Sweet Dee Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.

Dee

Bill Cosby.

Frank

The cards are a little outdated.

Dennis

I want to talk to you about our future. Can we get into it?

Dee

Yes. Yes!

Dennis

Alright. Here, sit down for a second.

Dee

Okay?

Dennis

'Cuz, in order to do that, I think we're gonna have to get real.

Dee

Yeah, go ahead.

Dennis

And I want to get very real with you right now, and I do that because I feel like I'm always coddling you.

Dee

...Interesting.

Dennis

But that's neither here nor there; I just want to get real with you for a second, okay? So, the acting thing.

Dee

Mhm?

Dennis

It's done... but it's been done for a long time. I mean, you were too old in 2006, you're way too old now, and you're... bad at it.

Dee

...Thank you... for your honesty.

Dennis

Yeah, is- are you cool?

Dee

Oh, so much do I appreciate you for that. That must've been hard for you to say.

Dennis

It was.

Dee

Can I be honest with you?

Dennis

I need you to.

Dee

Right? Okay, so, the veterinarian thing. I feel like the only reason you wanted to be a vet was to keep the skins.

Dennis

What?

Dee

You want to keep the skins, don't you.

Dennis

T-there's no denying that the skins are... fascinating. It's the most fascinating part of the animal- the skin of any animal is the most fascinating part, but that's not why I wanted to become-

Dee

Also, you're going bald.

Dennis

I'm going bald?! What are you talking about-

Dee

In the interest of "being real".

Dennis

Where in the hell am I possibly going bald?!

Dee

In the back of your head-

Dennis

There's no evidence of that!

Dee

There's quite a bit of evidence-

Dennis

No, nah, there's absolutely not- no.

Dee

I'll get two mirrors, I'll show it to you-

Dennis

Don't get mirrors, because, there's- you're not gonna find anything!

Dee

I see fat spilling over the back of your pants on a pretty regular basis.

Dennis

There's no fat there- what the hell are you talking about?!

Dee

I'm just trying to let you know!

Dennis

And by the way, there's no reason why a bald man who enjoys skins - who has a little bit of extra somethin' somethin around his belly - can't be a goddamn veterinarian!

Dee

Okay, you know what?! I CAN ACT!

Dennis

YOU ARE A WRINKLED BITCH!

Dee

Let me tell you something, my characters are great-

Dennis

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to do this with you, okay? Do you see what's happening?

Dee

We just jumped right back in. We just leaped right back in. Same old place.

Mac

If we want to make money, we need to honor ancient Irish traditions, like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people who are genetically pre-disposed to having alcohol problems. You see, Saint Patrick started that tradition, and that's why we celebrate him today.

Charlie

Yea- no! That's not what he did! No, he-he played the flute for some kids, and then he lured them into a cave somewhere and he diddled them.

Frank

Nah, you got him mixed up with the Pied Piper.

Dee

Right.

Frank

Saint Patrick didn't play the flute. He drove the kids out of Ireland... and then he molested them.

Mac

No, no, if- if Saint Patrick molested kids, he would be regarded as a scoundrel.

Dee

No, no, no. I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

Charlie

Alright, relax, nobody's dying.

Dee

That's right, just listen to Charlie. He seems to have his head straight. Calm down-

Charlie

'Cuz we're already dead.

Dee

...Come again?

Charlie

Oh, I figured it out. We're dead, we died... and I don't know when it happened. It might've- it might've happened on the cruise ship, it might've happened on the drive to the cruise ship - you were going awful fast, Dennis. I don't know, maybe it happened weeks ago at the bar, some sort of... colossal and awesome event, I would imagine, but we're dead! And we're in hell, we're just being toyed with, here! Or- or maybe we're not in hell yet, maybe this is purgatory, and we're on our way to be judged. And soon, oh boy... ha ha, yeah, soon we'll really be in hell, won't that be something...

Dennis

Charlie, calm down. It's g- it's gonna be fine, okay? We can't be freaking out every five minutes. Now, look... if we work together, everything's going to be fine! We're gonna get out of here!

Charlie

Nah. We're already dead. I'll prove it. (points flare gun at his head and fires)

Mac

(after showing off his exercise bike with a dildo attached to it) I know, but it's not what it looks like.

Dee

Yeah, what it looks like is that you are fucking yourself with a dildo bike.

Dennis

Hey, Charlie? Mac?

Charlie

Dennis!

Mac

The cops, the parents - they're all after us!

Charlie

How'd you get a Range Rover?! Just- get in, get in!

Dennis

Yeah, get in.

Charlie

Oh man, we did a bad thing!

Mac

Oh, Jesus...

Charlie

Just get out of here, man! Go, go, go! We did a bad thing, dude! I think I killed a kid!

Mac

He did, I saw him. I think the kid's dead.

Dennis

Shh, shh, shh... doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Dennis

Hey! Hey, Dee, Frank, what's up?

Frank

We almost got T-boned by an Asian. It was totally my fault; she did everything by the book. Very surprising.

Frank

Also, Dee banged a kid.

Dee

No, no, I was trying to cuck a bit-!

Dennis

Shhhh, shh, shh, shh. It doesn't matter. It's okay. You're in the Range Rover now. All is well.

Dee

I need a place to stay. Let me talk to Frank.

Charlie

What's on your hand?

Dee

It's a piece of door; move past it.

Charlie

This is great! This is just great! You know, I'm like, now what are we supposed to all put our teeth in?!

Dee

Our faces? What are you talking about?

Charlie

I'm talking about our legacy! You know, I can't hold on to it, man!

Dennis

Legacy? You wanna talk legacy? You know what our legacy is? Spending our lives in this goddamn bar with a lunatic man who acts like a dog and handles his gun like a maniac!

Dennis

We could be known as a "suicide bar", and that's no good. I don't want to be that.

Cricket

Yeah, kinda grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.

Dee

You don't have business.

Charlie

Oh! What uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful. Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like... "The Last Call".

Dennis

"The Jump Shot".

Dee

"Lemon Drop".

Charlie

There ya go.

Mac

"Cosmo-fall-itan"?

Charlie

Oh, very good!

Dennis

We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers, y'know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar to immortalize them, y'know, turn them into martyrs.

Mac

That's cool- and we'd play music, we'd play music. Uh... "Highway to Hell", "Free Fallin'."

Dee

You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a- a haunted house kind of bar theme, you know?

Cricket

Yeah, that'd get my business back.

Dee

You don't have business, Cricket!

Dennis

Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies, yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved" is... is actually "yes!"

Mac

Yeah, but if- if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right Dennis?

Dennis

No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.