Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Charlie

Well yea we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.

Dennis

It was always meant to be a bicep.

Charlie

Well why didn't you cut it like a...cause it totally looks like a dick. I thought well alright lets go with the dick thing, its more masculine anyway. I mean shit if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins.

Frank

I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!

Dennis

Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.

Frank

I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]

I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.

Dennis

That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?

Dee

No, just get to the reading part.

Frank

Get on with it, man. Let's go.

All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?

Frank

Yo!

OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."

Dennis

What?!

Dee

What?!

Frank

Bruce Mathis?!

[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."

Frank

You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?

You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.

Dee

Why are you giving it to him?!

I'm not--

Dee

She barely even knew him!

Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.

Frank

Where is that rat bastard?!

Sir, I don't know!

Frank

'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!

Dennis

Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!

You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."

Dennis

Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.

"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."

Dennis

I would never let him in.

Frank

What?!

Deandra?

Dee

Yes.

"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."

Dee

A mistake? We're twins.

Yeah...

Dee

We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.

Frank

Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!

Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!

Dee

Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.

Frank

You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!

Dee

Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?

It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.

Dee

Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!

Frank

Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!

Dee

Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...

Frank

Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...

Dennis

[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.

You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...

Dennis

[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]

Mmm-hmm, 'kay.

[to himself] Jesus Christ.

Dennis

Dude, I swear to god if you try and give me a noogie I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half.

Mac

(walks in from the office) Helloooo!!! What's up bitches?

Charlie

Mac, can an asshole rip in half?

Mac

Like tissue paper.

Charlie

Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?

Dennis

I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?

Charlie

Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?

Dennis

I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there."

Charlie

Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?

Dennis

You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit.

Charlie

It's locked! All right, let me try this out.

Dennis

What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!

Charlie

Why not?

Dennis

We're not at your apartment, shithead!

Charlie

Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?

Dennis

Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.

Charlie

Well eventually they're gonna overlap--

Dennis

They're not ever gonna--

Charlie

You know what, you're right, it's not working.

Dennis

Oh, no shit.

Charlie

Well it was worth a try!

Dennis

It was not worth a try.

Dee

Those goddam North Koreans.

Dennis

They are some sneaky bastards.

Dennis

When she jumps up on the stage we'll blast her with the water, the crowd will go crazy, the other girls are gonna wanna join in, and we will save the bar and then she'll break up with Charlie ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had.

Mac

I agree with the first part but the second part seems incredibly harsh.

Dennis

It's the best goddamn part.

Mac

You promised you wouldn't bring up the helicopter!

Charlie

Dude, you're not the boss of me, okay?

Mac

Technically, Charlie, I am the boss of you, because I own half your shares!

Charlie

Since when?

Mac

You sold me half your shares of the bar for "goods and services"!

Dennis

Wait, you've definitely given me half your shares too, dude!

Charlie

Maybe I gave you guys a couple of shares when my back was against the wall and I needed a little breathing room--

Mac

Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares one time for half a sandwich!

Charlie

What're you guys doing? Is this a hose job, where you're hosing me down?

Dennis

Dude, you hosed yourself down!

Mac

You hosed yourself up and down, Charlie!

Charlie

C'mon, what do you guys want me to do?

Mac

I don't care!

Dennis

Yeah, get a job!

Charlie

Oh, get a job?

Mac

Yeah!

Charlie

Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!

Charlie

I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.

Mac

Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.

Charlie

Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.

Dennis

That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...

Charlie

How are you going to be wood?

Dennis

Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.

Frank

Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?

Dennis

A twink is small and slender, like Mac.

Mac

Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.

Dennis

Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.

Frank

Smooth. I would be a bear.

Dennis

No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you would be, because you're definitely not a twink.

Frank

I'd be a top, that's for sure.

Mac

Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?

Dennis

I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power-bottoms.

Frank

What's a power-bottom?

Mac

A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.

Dennis

Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.

Frank

Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?

Mac

Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.

Dennis

Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?

Mac

Goddammit!

Dennis!

Dennis

Ooh, hey.

[Flirtatiously] Hehe, hi.

Dennis

Ha, so listen, first let me apologize for never calling you back, ever. Second, I was applying here and maybe you could, you know, help me out.

Ooh, hehe...well, um, why don't I just go get you an app...

Dennis

...App...lication and uniform?

Hehe, yeah!

Dennis

Ha ha, that's weird that we said that at the same time.

Hehe, I know! Well I'll be back and, yeah.

Dennis

All righty.

Hehe, um, yeah. Hehe, yeah, bye.

Dennis

Ha ha, bye.[Waitress walks out] What's her name again?

Charlie

I hate you.

Dee

I have been taking this place up the butt with a little thing I like to call "Dee's Double-Drop."

Dennis

So you're doing the double-drop here too?

Dee

You know about that?

Dennis

Yeah, we always used to take the difference out of your purse.

Dennis

Guess what? I just topped myself for most phone numbers in one day--nine.

Charlie

Uh, don't make 'em, 'cause you won't have your jobs much longer. Corporate's on their way down here right now to fire your asses!

Dee

What?! You told on us?

Charlie

He doesn't even know your name!

Dennis

Yes, I do!

What's my name, what is it? (There is a pause while Dennis tries to figure out a way to bullshit his way out of this one.)

Dennis

Beautiful. (It didn't work.)

Dennis

That's what I call you all the time. Would you not want to be called "beautiful"? (Corporate Guy enters.)

Are one of you guys the one that called me? (Charlie turns to face him.)

Hey, I know you...(points at Dennis)...and you. You're the ones who run that dive bar down the street!

Charlie

Yeah, and you're the corporate dude with the helicopter.

Right. Here's the thing--I had a really strange night last night. Your friends and their doo-wop group, they showed up at my house and tried to attack me. One of them died on my doorstep, and it sorta put me in a funk. So I'm gonna clean house, and you're all fired. (The Gang is taken aback, but the Waitress is incredibly smug.)

Did you hire these people? (Various affirmations from the Gang.)

Charlie

She hired me.

Well, then, clearly you're an idiot, because these people are psychopaths. (sarcastic) But no, you're not fired. (beat) I'm just kidding, you are. Get the hell out of my restaurant. (He walks out.)

Charlie

Don't worry about it, you can come and live with me, all right? (He reaches out to her, but she rejects him.)

GO TO HELL!!! (She storms off.)

Charlie

Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?

Mac

See, that was real news.

Charlie

Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?

Mac

Yes.

Dennis

Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.