You should have seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.
You knew that it was a dick?!
With Mac :Dennis: You knew?!
“Dennis and Dee's Mom is Dead” · Season 3, Episode 3
In this episode: Dennis Reynolds (3), Charlie Kelly (2), Frank Reynolds (2), Mac McDonald (1), Sweet Dee Reynolds (1)
Well yea we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.
It was always meant to be a bicep.
Well why didn't you cut it like a...cause it totally looks like a dick. I thought well alright lets go with the dick thing, its more masculine anyway. I mean shit if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins.
I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!
Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.
I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]
LLawyer
I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
No, just get to the reading part.
Get on with it, man. Let's go.
LLawyer
All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Yo!
LLawyer
OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
What?!
What?!
Bruce Mathis?!
LLawyer
[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
LLawyer
You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Why are you giving it to him?!
LLawyer
I'm not--
She barely even knew him!
LLawyer
Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Where is that rat bastard?!
LLawyer
Sir, I don't know!
'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
LLawyer
You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
LLawyer
"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
I would never let him in.
What?!
LLawyer
Deandra?
Yes.
LLawyer
"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
A mistake? We're twins.
LLawyer
Yeah...
We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
LLawyer
Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
LLawyer
It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
LLawyer
These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
LLawyer
You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
LLawyer
Mmm-hmm, 'kay.
[Dennis leaves]
LLawyer
[to himself] Jesus Christ.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.