Lawyer, Dennis and others in “Dennis and Dee's Mom is Dead”

I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.

That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?

No, just get to the reading part.

Get on with it, man. Let's go.

All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?

Yo!

OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."

What?!

What?!

Bruce Mathis?!

[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."

You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?

You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.

Why are you giving it to him?!

I'm not--

She barely even knew him!

Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.

Where is that rat bastard?!

Sir, I don't know!

'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!

Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!

You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."

Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.

"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."

I would never let him in.

What?!

Deandra?

Yes.

"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."

A mistake? We're twins.

Yeah...

We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.

Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!

Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!

Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.

You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!

Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?

It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.

Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!

Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!

Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...

Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...

[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.

You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...

[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]

Mmm-hmm, 'kay.

[to himself] Jesus Christ.