Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

Where from?

Israel. It just got to be too dangerous. I mean, you know with everything that's happening.

Dennis

Well, that's a tough situation you got over there.

Charlie

Oh yeah, you got that whole tsunami and the...

Mac

No, not that...

Charlie

Well, the superdome thing.

Mac

No, there's no superdome...

Charlie

Well it's one of those places over there.

Mac

It's a different country, Charlie so why don't...

Charlie

Well I'm just trying to help the guy out.

Mac

Why don't you just shut up!

Mac

This isn't gonna do shit!

Dennis

What do you mean this isn't gonna do shit?

Mac

There needs to be a next step, or something-

Dennis

Hey! Do you know how hard it is to get toilet paper off of a building, especially when it rains? This Jew's in for a ton of work—

WHOA!

Dennis

Whoa, what?

Mac

Come on, man! You can't say things like that!

Dennis

I don't know what I said. What'd I say?

Charlie

You dropped a hard "J" on us.

Mac

Yeah. Yeah.

Dennis

Jew? You guys said it—

Mac

Shhh! You can say it, but it has to be like, in context-

Dennis

You guys—you guys said I could say Jew.

Charlie

You can, but in the right context, man.

Mac

It's gotta be in the right context.

Dennis

Well, what's the right context?

Charlie

Well, uh—this, y'know...

Mac

Person of the Jewish faith in a group of other people from the Jewish faith.

Charlie

"This guy's got a ton of work to do! I think it's okay that he's Jewish."

Dennis

But that's not what I'm saying—

Mac

That's not what he's saying. Now, hold on a second, this is...if—

Dennis

You guys don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Charlie

"This man is in for a ton of work! He's Jewish."

Mac

We know—we know what we're talking about.

Charlie

Yeah, we know what we're talking about.

Mac

No worries about that.

Frank

Hey gang, what's the action?

Dennis

What's going on here?

Frank

Asians love gambling!

Sweet Dee

You know these guys?

Frank

Yeah, from Nam.

Mac

You were in Vietnam?

Dennis

Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.

(Holds up soda can)

Dennis

Diet? Does it look like I need to be on a diet?

I don't know

Dennis

Terrible, take a lap.

Frank

Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.

Charlie

That's why I did it.

Mac

That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?

Frank

You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.

Sweet Dee

How come Charlie...? It's not fair...

Dennis

Why would you do this to us, dad?

Frank

Because you're crackheads, children.

What you need?

Dennis

Uh, one, please.

One what?

Dennis

Uh... one rock of crack.

Dee

One crack...

Dennis

A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? I don't...

Dee

Uh... how much would you recommend for a first-time user?

Dennis

[after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh...

Charlie

Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.

Dennis

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!

Charlie

Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?

Dennis

I was gonna...

Charlie

No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.

Are you going to take care of the crime problem here?

Dennis

Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them fight the terrorists.

You're very handsome.

Dennis

Thank you ha ha.

Charlie

This is going very, very well man.

Dennis

I know people are really responding to me.

Charlie

They love the bone structure.

Mac

[walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help.

Charlie

What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do.

Dennis

Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.

Mac

Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do?

Charlie

"What should I do"? Strike one, buddy.

Dennis

You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.

Mac

All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.

Oh, thank you.

Mac

Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.

Excuse me?

Mac

Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.

You know, I'd rather not.

Mac

[stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you know...it's...good for him and it's good for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby.

You know what? Please leave me alone.

Mac

OK, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible.

I said no!

Mac

Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller]

Somebody help me!

Charlie

This is campaign suicide, dude...

Dennis

Let's get out of here.

Charlie

Ok,ok, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.

Dennis

Good work.

Charlie

No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.

Dennis

That's why we call it Charlie Work.

Charlie

No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]

Charlie

You kidding me?

Dennis

What? What?

Charlie

You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.

Dennis

What is he talking about?

Charlie

You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.

Frank

It's a bar.

Dennis

Yeah, it's a bar.

Dee

Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.

Mac

Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.

Dee

Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.

Mac

Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.

Dennis

If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.

Charlie

I work in this bar. I work here.

Dennis

But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.

Frank

Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

Dee

You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

Frank

...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Dee

Oh my god.

Dennis

Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.

Charlie

You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.

Mac

Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.

Dennis

Thank you.

Dee

Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.

Charlie

Oh, I'm unamerican?

Frank

You're practically a Vietcong.

Charlie

Is that right? Ok. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.

Dee

Where are we going?

Charlie

We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Dee

I am not a failure!

Mac

Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?

Dennis

Uh, that would in fact be a failure.

Charlie

Look, could you imagine America where everyone just gives up?

Dee

I don't care.

Charlie

Ok, let's just give up.

Mac

Hey Charlie.

Charlie

No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?

Mac

No. No.

Charlie

No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.

Dennis

What are you talking about? Will you shut up?

Charlie

I'm gonna be a smoker.

Mac

You don't have to smoke Charlie.

Charlie

You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]

Liam

That's what you get Charlie.

Dennis

Hey get the hell out of here.

Liam

You get forkstabbed!

Mac

Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers.

Dennis

You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning!

Mac

Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.

Charlie

Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.

Mac

Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.

Dennis

Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.

Charlie

Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.

Mac

You're tripping?

Charlie

Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.

Mac

Oh, Jesus.

Liam

Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?

Ryan

Yeah, we're going to be famous.

Dennis

Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.

Mac

Yeah, just go over there.

Dennis

Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.

Charlie

Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.

Mac

Frank, What the hell are you doing?

Artemis

He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.

Frank

Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?

Dennis

What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)

Frank

I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!

Artemis

I think he took a dump in there.

Mac

Can you give us a second, please?

Artemis

Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.

Dennis

All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?

Mac

Great. Walk me through the plan again.

Dennis

Awesome.

Dennis

The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.

Mac

That's a great plan.

Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?

Dennis

Like, two seconds.

Charlie

Seriously?

Dennis

Frank, give me the gun.

Frank

Where is it?

Dennis

It's in your hand!

Charlie

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?

Dennis

I don't know!

Frank

That lizard talks!

Charlie

Where? Where? I don't like lizards!

Mac

We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

Frank

Lizard, am I standing in poop?