[singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]
Dennis[Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.
Dennis
I will.
What happened to your band?
Dennis
Kicked me out.
[laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it?
Dennis
Hm. What's with the curtains?
I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis
Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex]
Dennis
Why don't we put the curtains back up...
No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing]
Dennis
I never know, man.
Well, I just broke up with Kevin!
Dee, we're trying to practice!
I can't do it! I can't get it out of my head! I don't know if he's retarded or not, but I can't stop thinking about it!
Dennis
Dee, we're trying to have band practice here!
I mean, I was gonna ride this guy to the top, you know what I mean? He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos!
Dennis
Look, the guy's not retarded, okay?
(beat)
Dennis
Yeah, I was just saying that to mess with you.
Why? Why would you do something like that?
Dennis
I thought it'd be funny.
It's not funny! It's not funny at all! This guy's perfect for me, and you've gone and blown it! You've ruined everything! You are a bad, bad person.
(points at Dennis' jumpsuit)
Dennis
All right! Ready, guys?
So, that guy's not retarded?
Dennis
Oh no, he's totally retarded.
Hold on, hang on! You did not get that point down there! That was my point! That was my point! Retarded, two, Normal, one!
Dennis
She practically came out and told us he was retarded! Retarded, four, Normal, zero!
Whoa, hold on a second! Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four!
Dennis (ticking off the items): Well, let's see: there's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook, the "overcoming the odds," the living with the mom? And now the "special" thing. You know what, it's not four, it's five!
Oh, yeah? What are you, the Point King? You just pick up points left and right? It's Retaded, three, Normal, one!
Dennis
Oh, come on, there's so much more retarded stuff out there!
Dennis
Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?
TTimmy
I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
WWendell
All right, I get it.
TTimmy
He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
WWendell
Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?
TTimmy
He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
(Both Dee and Dennis wince)
WWendell
Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Dennis
Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
WWendell
Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]
Dennis
Well I...
Dennis is a prostitute now.
Dennis
No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
Dennis
There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Dennis
No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
Dennis
You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?!
I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.
[He slaps Dennis again]
Dennis
Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?
Dennis
OK, sorry.
Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.
Dennis
You promise?
I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, OK? You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, OK?
Dennis
OK.
What the hell are you doing here, dude?
Dennis
I'm working, what're you doing?
You can not seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!
Dennis
No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.
Mac (incredulous)': What did Frank do to you?
Dennis
Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.
Mac (does a double-take): What?! (Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!
No, Frank, he can not bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!
What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's banging a whore? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)
Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)
Mac (grabbing Dennis): Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis) STAY!
Frank (hits Dennis again): GO!
Mac (hitting Dennis again): STAY!
YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED!
Dennis
STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second!
Frank (nervous): You see? This is bad! You got him thinkin' for himself again!
Frannie (from the top of the stairs): What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs!
Dennis (after a few seconds): No.
FFrannie
Get your ass back in the bedroom.
Dennis (stronger): I'm outta here. (Dennis walks out.)
FFrannie
And what about you, Pussy Hands?
Mac (taken aback): Me? Oh, no, I would never sleep with you, you're gross.
Dennis
You put the bar up as a prize?
No, check again - I put the bar under the pride section, the things that you're proud of.
Dennis
Pride section?
It's a Z, Charlie - prize!
Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Your illiteracy has screwed us again, Charlie.
Your illiteracy is screwing us, man!
Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis
Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis
Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.
Frank: Hey street rat!
How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
Dennis
Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Dennis
Why would you do that?!
Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Dennis
Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Dennis
Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis
What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Dennis
Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
Dennis
So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations.
You're totally right, dude.
Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.
Dennis
Lay it on us, bud.
It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. [long pause] Not gay sex.
Ah...okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean...
We're gonna solve the gas crisis!
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
