It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · Season 3, Episode 8
“Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire” · Season 3, Episode 8
In this episode: Mac McDonald (6), Frank Reynolds (6), Charlie Kelly (5), Sweet Dee Reynolds (3), Dennis Reynolds (1)
Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
See, that was real news.
Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Yes.
Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.
[In a retirement home]
These places are like prison...
Like people getting their ass raped?
What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!
No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Because they're getting their ass raped!
The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!
Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?
And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate.
Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop.
Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands
Yeah! And then there's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and shit and Kurt Russell fights him.
(The gang is watching the video of the burning factory. Dee's screams can be heard from the TV. Dee herself comes into the room, smudged and pissed.)
Dee (furious): I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed!
Well, somebody had to do it!
Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!
You set me on fire!
We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!
Just barely!
We put you out!
Exactly! (Dee emerges from the building. As Frank is blasting her with the extinguisher, she throws the box of kittens to one side.)
Well, I do look kinda heroic--
What?! What are you talking about?! You threw the box of kittens!
I WAS ON FIRE!
Charlie (mimicking Dee): I was on fire!
Frank (annoyed): We gotta shoot this shit again!
Charlie (dismissively): Yeah, like fire hurts...
Dee (from inside the warehouse): It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here!
Uh-huh! (he tosses the match into the warehouse and runs)
People love well stories!
Really?
Yeah!
I don't know. That well thing seems a little played-out. I mean, who gets stuck in a well anymore?
Kittens do!
Kittens? You put those kitties down there?
Well...
Dee (annoyed): Oh, man, okay, I'll do it! Just don't set it on fire, okay? I think this is dangerous enough!
Deandra, use your head! How are we gonna set a well on fire?
It's filled with water. Save the kittens!
I'm going! (She gets into the well)
Save the day! (Frank and Mac start to walk away.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Gimme the matches.
Mac (handing Frank the matchbox): Yep...
(Cut to the video of the rescue. Frank walks slowly to the well.)
Dee I found the kittens! (Frank tosses something into the well and runs. Annoyed) Oh, come on! (Another explosion, and Dee starts screaming again.)
(Cut to the couch, where Frank, Mac and Charlie are watching the video.)
Now, it's all good up to right here--
(A cardboard box comes flying out of the well, followed by Dee. The gang throws up their hands in disgust.)
She throws the kittens in every take!
Aw, man, she loves to ruin, and ruin, and ruin, and ruin!
That's a bad idea. Whenever you get involved, someone gets hurt.
That's ridiculous! I'm just palling around with the guys, how's anyone gonna get hurt?
[Cue episode title]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
