Charlie Kelly quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Charlie

What does 3D even stand for?

Dee

3rd Dimension. Just... shh. Please stop talking.

Charlie

3rd Dimen... (chuckles) What dimension are we in?

Dee

Shh, Charlie. I don't know. Shh.

Charlie

Isn't stuff... like... suppossed to pop out at us?

Dee

I don't know. I'm not sure. Let's watch and find out.

Charlie

Wow. Did you see that?

Dee

Yeah, yeah. I saw that.

Charlie

That came like right at you. Is this safe?

Charlie

Are you wearing makeup?

Dennis

I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation but that's not the point.

Dennis

That's all our money!

Charlie

No, it's all my money. You lost your money when you said no to the trucker.

Charlie

"Yeah, me too. I would love to go on a vacation."

Mac

"Yeah but not to the Jersey Shore though. That place sounds like a nightmare."

Dennis

" What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?"

Mac

"Come on, you've seen that TV show. It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases."

Charlie

Hoooooolllllyyyy Shhhittt! Is that the ocean?

Dennis

Yeah buddy that's the ocean.

Charlie

What's on the other side of it there?

Frank

Europe

Charlie

Now how long would it take....

Dennis

Do not try to swim to Europe.

Charlie

Don't swim to Europe.

Dennis

A couple of homeless guys banging each other!

Charlie

I know that, but why?! That's not magical! That's not romantic!

Frank

I can't figure this tie out here. [microphone feedback]

Frank

[over speakers] I got...I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?

Mm...no.

Frank

Imagine stuff like that goes on all time, right? [chuckles] I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? [audience gasps] Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want.

Charlie

Turn his mic down.

Artemis

I'm trying! I don't know! I don't know how!

Charlie

You don't know how?

Artemis

I don't know which one it is!

Frank

...fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli...

Dee

What's going on, you idiot?

Frank

...make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. Oh! Ooh, shit. Is my mic on?

Charlie

Oh, God.

Frank

[chuckles] Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. [audience jeering] That was a mistake. The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system. Puerto Rican guy. [audience murmuring]

Dennis

Okay, let's talk about the limes, guys.

Charlie

We'll keep emotion out of it.

Dennis

Reason will prevail.

Mac

Reason will prevail!

Charlie

[simultaneously] Reason will prevail!

Dennis

I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.

Charlie

What the hell! Thin limes?! People will choke! People will die!

Mac

Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it--

Frank

Charlie's got a point! One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes!

Charlie

Yeah, don’t tell me-

Mac

I AM GONNA PUT MY THUMB THROUGH YOUR EYE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!

Dennis

No, no, shhh. Stay calm, stay--hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional. Let's--let's be democratic. Let’s put this thing to a vote.

Mac

A vote?

Dennis

A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?

Mac

...Yes.

Dennis

So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands. [Mac and Dennis raise hands] And all for thicker limes, raise your hands. [Frank and Charlie raise hands] Now there you go. That's a democracy in action. That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy...has failed.

Dennis

We're gonna call it a hurricane party. It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome, yeah.

What's a hurricane party?

Dennis

A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like. It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.

Oh, I've heard of that bar.

Dennis

Yeah?

Charlie

Hey! [laughs] Hello! All right, all right! Hi! Crazy, crazy weather coming our way!

Yeah.

Charlie

You trying to get these girls down to the bunker or...?

Dennis

Oh, no, I'm inviting them back to our very cool bar we own.

Charlie

Oh, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got a sweet bunker, too. Yeah, well...it's like so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to. We'll be like totally safe down there. I got a bunch of supplies. You guys like pickled eggs? Sardines, too...

Dennis

[nervous laughter] Yeah, we got a bunch of other, you know, normal food and normal stuff there, too. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great bar. Gonna be free drinks for everybody, so you know, you'll come, you'll party with us, and you can bring your girlfriends too, you know? [laughing] We don't want just the two of you. You got to bring your girlfriends. That's a requirement.

Sounds like fun. Can our boyfriends come too?

Dennis

Oh. Your boyfriends?

Yeah, our boyfriends.

Dennis

You two have boyfriends? How did you not know...that the reason I invited you back to my bar...was to bang you? Get out of here! Get the hell out of here! Get--get out of here! Shoo away from me!

You're a dick.

Dennis

You're a dick! [turns to Charlie] She's a...I'm not a dick.

Dennis

You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?

Charlie

Yeah. They're gonna be like, "Look at this sweet dude, his awesome gear and his awesome hatchet. He's prepared, he's ready for anything. Storm coming? Hatchet coming."

Mac

[reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?

Charlie

I don't think I wrote that.

Mac

You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?

Charlie

I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.

Mac

Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the-- Just throw out a guess.

Charlie

Pass.

Mac

No!

Pass, pass?

No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.

Mac

Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.

Charlie

Pass.

Mac

Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.

Dennis

[eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!

Charlie

That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.

Mac

Last time we played, Dee got "Emotional Battery". We berated that bitch for like two straight hours.

Charlie

I mean, really personal stuff. Way over the line. The kind of stuff that cuts you to the core, you know.

Mac

She held it together without a single tear.

Charlie

Dude, when her two minutes were up, she cried for a month straight.

Mac

Yeah, it was really sad. Every day, crying all day long. She talked about taking too many pills.

Charlie

I think she tried to kill herself.

Mac

She did, she did. I saw it, but I didn't tell you about it.

Charlie

We have to blow the sign off of the building-- you know, maybe I'll do the blowing. That's fine.

Dennis

Charlie, Charlie, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do you think a human being can blow a sign off of a building?

Charlie

I didn't until Mac said it.

Mac

I never said that.

Dennis

A man cannot blow a sign off of a building.

Mac

In Charlie's defense, you could loosen the screws, get up there and blow...

Dennis

We are talking about the internet. You are derailing the conversation.

Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Kelly, I'm detective Larson. I'm gonna need to clear something up on your report here.

Dennis

It doesn't...yeah, we're good.

It says here this was filed as an assault, but the only thing that you're claiming was that...this man shushed you?

Charlie

Yeah, but...it was an assault.

Shushing somebody is not an assault.

Charlie

There was more to it than...

Dennis

He--yeah, it wasn't just shushing though.

Charlie

Yeah!

Dennis

And the reason it was an assault was because he was shushing our cries for help.

Charlie

Right! This guy was raping us.

Dennis

W--wha--?

He was raping you?

Charlie

Well, yeah--yep.

The both of you?

Dennis

No! No, no, no, no...

Charlie

[snort] You can't rape two guys, it's the--

Dennis

I wouldn't even necessarily classify it--

Charlie

You know, what happened was that he only raped my friend here. I actually shook him off in time, the guy never quite made it inside of me, but my friend here...yeah.

So he was only raping you?

Dennis

Yep.

Charlie

Yeah, yeah. He, like, really kinda made soup of your insides.

Dennis

No, no, no. He barely--he barely made it in there, so trust me, I'm fine.

Charlie

Yeah, but he bit his dick.

Dennis

Not--what?! No, he did--he--the reason we were going to file as a--a rape was because the--he did make it inside me, but like, just barely, and the guy was super-small, so I'm fine! And then I did get away. [Larson begins taking notes] Well, don't--don't write any of this down! Y--look, can we just drop the case?

Charlie

Yeah! We don't need to--

Dennis

Right? We just need the drawing.

Charlie

I didn't even think about that, because if we had the drawing, we can find the guy. We can dole out the justice.

Dennis

And then this never needs to go in any files, anywhere!