Charlie Kelly quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Mac

Oh! Oh! Oh! Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of a sudden. Marriage is about procreation, okay? [Holds up two plugs] This is gay marriage! [Knocks them together] That's two dudes bangin' each other! What do ya get from that? Nothin'! Nothin'!

Dee

Uh, that's a persuasive argument. You should take your powerful "extension-cord" argument STRAIGHT to the Supreme Court.

Charlie

Mmm-hmm, they'll love it there.

Charlie

Oh my God. Did you smell her breath?

Frank

Like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit.

Mac

Let's talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there is nothing I can do about it. So speed is a must.

Dennis

Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests on this boat.

Mac

Yeah, we're gonna throw some P-Diddy style parties up on the deck.

Charlie

Can we talk shrimp for a minute. I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump amount of shrimp.

Mac

You should be writing this down.

Dennis

Why are you not writing this down?

Let me just see if i have this right here. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like what you guys are looking for P. Diddy style of shrimping vessel.

Charlie

You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.

Frank

Anyone want any more catfish?

Charlie

Yo dude. Definitely give me another one of those. They're delicious. And you can taste that sort of endangered tang...

"Reggie Leech" is... the correct answer!

Charlie

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Mac

We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, and the ones we've had we've squandered.

Charlie

We've squandered them all.

Hey, who's on the line?

Mac

Is that us?

Charlie

That sounded like us!

Mac

Uh, Mac from South Philly!

Alright, Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston & Steve.

Dee

Holy shit, he got on.

Mac

Holy shit, I got on!

Please don't curse. Alright, here is the question: what Philadelphia Flyer holds the franchise record for goals in a season? You have 30 seconds, go!

Mac

[to Charlie] Okay, this is a hockey question, go!

Charlie

Okay, hockey! Uhhhhhh, where's the "H" key? There's no "H" key-- there's no "H" key!

Mac

What are you talking about?

Charlie

Is there another way to spell "hockey"?

Mac

Dude--

Charlie

There's no "H" key on this key-

Mac

It's right there! Why did I put you in charge of this job? Aw, forget this, dude! I got this, I got this--think, Mac, think! Think--I gotta think like that guy that sits on the rock!

Charlie

[puts his fist under his chin] This dude, the one like that?

Mac

Yeah, with the big muscles and he puts his hand on his-

Charlie

He's big and green and he gets angry-- oh, the Hulk! The Incredible Hulk.

Mac

The Hulk doesn't think at all. Shit, I know this...

Dude, you gotta stop cursing!

Mac

You guys can't censor me, I'm a bit of a badass.

[chuckles] Can't censor him-- alright, let's go! Answer the question, come on!

Mac

Agh! I don't know, I don't know it. Damn it! Reggie Leach.

Reggie Leach is the... correct answer!

Charlie

AAAAAA--

They ain't American, I don't want to know them.

I know. I wish they'd all go back to the desert.

Mac

It does seem like they're bonding.

Charlie

It's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's a racist conversation.

Mac

Mom was a manager of Jiffy Lube for many years.

I never heard about this.

Mac

Well, she doesn't like to brag. She started her way at the bottom and worked her way to the tippidy top.

Charlie

There's only three people at Jiffy Lube so it's not exactly a high climb.

Dennis

It's fatness, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your very eyes.

Charlie

And I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore. They no longer apply.

Dee

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!

Mac

I feel like you say that all the time now.

Frank

You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.

Charlie

Wait a second, you definitely said that before.

Mac

Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.

Dennis

You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.

Charlie

He eats theater people.

Dennis

No, he doesn't.

Mac

I think he might.

Frank

He does.

Dennis

Do you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is?

Mac

He might not.

Frank

He doesn't.

Charlie

I don't.

I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?

Charlie

Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.

Charlie

Principal McIntyre, I recently starting mentoring one of the kids here.

Really? That's odd, because you're a janitor.

Dee

You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.

Charlie

A what day?

Dee

Spa day.

Charlie

What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

Charlie

oh my god i just found a rats nest slaughtered about 200 of them. It's like whole generations of those things have died at my hands. Mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.

Dee

Well, you know, keep up the good work.

Charlie

Sometimes, I wonder though, if our lives are really more valuable than theirs. You know what I mean?

Dennis

Yeah they are. Our lives definitely are without a doubt.