Charlie Kelly quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Charlie

Okay, I cannot see the driver's face, but the subject appears to have pointed feet of some kind. Okay, I'm repeating here. He has pointed feet, so careful now.

Dennis

[on walkie talkie] What does that mean? What does that mean?

Mac

He's wearing cowboy boots.

Charlie

Yeah, give me a chip.

Mac

No, you're not getting the chips. The chips are off the table, okay?

Charlie

I want a chip!

Mac

Don't bring up the chips.

Charlie

Give me a chip!

Mac

He wants chips, and I asked him in the store, Dennis, you were there. I said, "Charlie, do you want a bag of chips?" He said, "No, I don't want chips." If you wanted the goddamn chips, you should have gotten the goddamn chips at the hamburger store!

Frank

Hey Charlie, you asleep? Charlie, are you asleep?

Charlie

No...no.

Frank

I got a great idea.

Charlie

I don't want to hear it. Frank, I'm a successful man now, okay? I need to maintain a certain level of excellence, so I can't have you like telling me terrible ideas all night, because that brings me off me excellence, okay?

Frank

Okay, but this is a great idea. We take--we take the M-80s that I have and we stick 'em in some lamb, and then PATCHYA! We blow it up.

Charlie

What are you looking to do like flash cook a--a gyro sandwich?

Frank

Yeah. That's a good idea. Flash cook a sandwich.

Charlie

Oh my God.

Frank

Cook the meat immediately.

Charlie

I mean, what you're talking about is just a meat bomb, and that's just a waste of a good lamb. So if you're done coming up with good terrible ideas, um, I'm gonna go back to bed.

Frank

A meat bomb! You--you--you blow it up!

Didn't you also give everybody ringworm?

Mac

No! No, that was a rumor, I only gave ringworm to Charlie. I--I got it from my dog, Poppins, and then Charlie and I were wrestling every day because we were trying out for the wrestling team, and then...you know, we just sort of passed it back and forth.

Charlie

Yeah, we passed it back and forth. Although then we did try out for the wrestling team, and then I do think a couple of the guys got it on the team. So yeah, you're right. You're right.

Wow. Yeah no, that is really gross. Yeah, that is about as low as it gets.

Dee

They probably still have it 'cause they're so gay together!

Totally. Hey, Dee, why don't you come back to our table? You know, have a drink?

Dee

Oh yeah, sure, that sound cool. See you later, Dirtgrub and Ronnie the Rat. Hope you suck each other's rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer! [whispers to Mac and Charlie] For some reason, homophobia, it's just awesome to these guys.

Charlie

Do you remember Psycho Pete?

Unfortunately, yes.

Charlie

Any word on if he's coming tonight or...

Well, I hope not. He's the reason we have extra security. He threatened to burn down the building.

Charlie

Ha, that's...

Mac

He was probably just joking.

Charlie

That's his sense of humor.

Mac

He has a very dark sense of humor.

Charlie

You gotta lighten up around Pete.

Was he joking when he cut his family into little pieces and ate them for Christmas dinner?

Charlie

[pause] That doesn't sound like a joke.

Mac

Did that really happen?

Charlie

Yeah, that sounds much more serious.

[drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?

How you doing, fellas? Having fun?

Charlie

Schmitty, excuse me...

Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.

Do you wanna have sex with me?

Yes, I do.

See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?

I don't know.

We'll use mine, come on.

Charlie

Schmitty.

Mac

Let's go back to the bar.

Dee

Yeah.

Frank

Let's go, Charlie.

Charlie

Schmitty just...

Mac

Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.

Mac

Jesus Christ, Dennis, you're coming in hot!

Dennis

I am the king of the minions, not Tim Murphy, not that jerkoff Adri--jerkoff! (opens a compartment in his car)

Frank

What the hell are you doing, man?

Dennis

She rejected me! Me, Frank! Me, the coolest guy in the history of this goddamn school! Oh, they're all gonna pay! THEY'RE ALL GONNA PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!

Charlie

Whoa.

Mac

Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?

Dennis

TOOLS! Tools, this is, uh...duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!

Charlie

W--Why do you have a bunch of like weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?

Dennis

Ffffetish, fetish shit! I--I--I--I like to bind, I like to be bound! I--uh...that's not important! D--don't ask me questions. I'm not taking questions. The golden god is not taking questions! I AM THE GOLDEN GOD! I--I'm taking action, I gotta go--

Mac

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, Dennis. Wait a second. I think we can help you, dude.

Dennis

Yeah?

Mac

Yeah, we can help each other. We both want the same thing...revenge.

Charlie

You're gonna be our new Psycho Pete, pal...and guess what? The freight train's back in service!

Mac

Let's get nuts in that school. Let's get crazy, alright? Come on, let's get some revenge here!

Mac

[wearing goggles] Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.

Charlie

Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.

Mac

Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.

Charlie

Oh, I thought you were scared every time...

Mac

That's classified!

Dennis

Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.

Charlie

Mm-hmm.

Dennis

Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.

Charlie

Yes... [points to Mac and Dennis]

Mac

You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.

Charlie

Oh, good.

Mac

Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.

Charlie

Oh, yes. Right, yes.

Dennis

Is he... listen to us? I can't tell-

Mac

He- He's listening. He's not understanding.

Charlie

Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...

Dennis

We're talking about you!

Charlie

Ah...

Dennis

Okay, let's move on from thi-

Mac

What do you think is happening right now?!

Charlie

...It's good.

Charlie

Okay, it's time to get out of here. I mean, look at that guy!

ALL THE MCPOYLES SPRUNG FROM MY LOINS! FULLY FORMED! ONE OF THEM BABIES... TRIED TO EAT ME! I ATE HIM FIRST! (sobs) I ate him first!

Mac

[obviously weirded out by the elder McPoyle's actions] Okay, I'm with Charlie. I'm leaving.

Dennis

Wait. You guys are just gonna leave? You're just gonna go?

Mac

Yeah. We're out.

Mac

Guys, why are you dressed like that?

Frank

Some scumbag company's trying to take over the business that I founded, and I'm not gonna stand for that.

Charlie

No, we're not gonna stand for that. Frank's taking me under his wing, he's gonna teach me how to swim with the sharks.

Dennis

Charlie can't read.

Frank

...He'll adapt!

Dennis

H-He'll adapt to reading?

Charlie

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know. Common sense is on trial... and well, common sense would tell you that eatin' a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- well, it's reckless. It's moronic. One might even call it... donkey-brained.

Dennis

"Donkey-brained"?

Charlie

It- it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature-

Dennis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.

Charlie

Oh, that's- that's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?

Dennis

Uh- yeah, okay. Sure. Fine.

Charlie

I'll take it! Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution, is that correct?

Frank

That's correct. But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go... and they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.

Charlie

I would like to add into evidence Article 1. Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?

Mac

Mhm. "By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains". [shows everyone the certificate]

Dee

What?

Dennis

What is that?

Dee

That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?

Charlie

Well, it's written right here in plain English! Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?

Frank

Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me Frankie Donkey-Brains, and it was very traumatic. So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.

Dennis

Yeah, great- what does this have to do with anything?

Charlie

Oh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do... you have any such certificate?

Dennis

...What?

Charlie

Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal! We know Frank's not a donkey! How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?

Dennis

Why would I have a certificate-

Charlie

You don't have a certificate?

Dennis

No, no, no, the burden of proof is not on me.

Mac

The defendant will answer the question!

Dennis

The defendant-? I'm not the defendant!

Charlie

Just answer the question.

Dennis

...No.

Charlie

No further questions! [everyone except Dennis puts their gavels on the Trial Meter to Frank's side]

Dennis

You gotta be kidding me- because of that?!

Mac

You don't have a certificate. I mean, y'know, what else are we supposed to... you may have donkey brains, I don't know.

Dennis

No one can prove they're not donkey-brained except for him!

Dee

I just- I wish you had a certificate.

Charlie

got it! I got it! Got what? The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song. It's amazing. Get with the program.

Dee

Yes, Charlie, please. We're all clamoring to hear.

Charlie

Whoa, they say "The world's your oyster" Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me. You're the belle of the ball But you ain't my cup of tea. They always vote you best in Show But this doggie disagrees. 'Cause I like life In Paddy's Pub...There's a place for me It's the place I go Where the beer is cheap, and the lights are low It's Paddy's Pub. I like Paddy's Pub. Let the record show The greatest place to go Is that bar called Paddy's Pub. [Harmonica playing]. I like life at Paddy's Pub.

Charlie

Attention, attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub. I'm-a siiiing it!

Mac

Charlie's doing the song. The song was light. The song was light. That'll lighten things up. Do the song, dude, do the song.

Dennis

Please enjoy this song.

Charlie

There is a spider, spider Spider. He's deep in my soul, soul. He's lived here for years Years. He just won't let go. He's laying around. He's got a mean bite. Now he's ready To fight...And stand up for what he knows...I don't need your trophies or your gold I just want to tell you all Go fuck yourselves...

[laughing] Oh, shit.

Charlie

Go fuck yourselves...[spits] Ooh, wah-ooh...

Mac

Is he spitting? Is he spitting? Oh, he's spitting at them. Is that the sign?

Dennis

That's the sign. Spit! Spit! [The Gang spits on the crowd]

Charlie

All right, I'm sold. I'm in.

Mac

Of course you're buying it, because you're as big of an idiot as she is. You're getting scammed, Dee!

Dee

It's not a scam!

Dennis

You walked into a room that you could have walked out of with a free set of golf clubs, but instead you got got.

Mac

Hey, I say we get ourselves a new pair of golf clubs, huh?

Dennis

Yeah, well, we won't get got though. We gonna get. See, Dee, people like us, we don't get got. We go get.

Mac

That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.

Dennis

No way. (laughs)