Harley Quinn quotes from Harley Quinn

Poison Ivy

Oh, wait a second. Is this the one that you got from Halloween when you tried to go as Wonder Wolf-man and no one got it?

Harley Quinn

I was a wolf wearing a Wonder Woman suit. It made perfect fucking sense.

Harley Quinn

I promise, if you let me have this one, I will never bring it up again.

Poison Ivy

You will absolutely bring it up every year.

Harley Quinn

Yeah, but with less gusto.

Harley Quinn

Who's disrespecting you? I will kill them!

Poison Ivy

Oh, that's so sweet.

Alfred

Following rules is like folding a fitted sheet. Sometimes you do it. But other times, you stuff it in a drawer and say, "Close enough."

Harley Quinn

You're a real crumpet, Alfie, you know that?

Harley Quinn

Out of my way, Alfred! I finished my chores, and now I'm off to fight crime. Step aside or I'll have to fuck you up!

Alfred

I wish a bitch would try. [Sprays her with water]

Harley Quinn

Ah! Why?

Harley Quinn

You should know that your rage is making your forehead wrinkles pop! [Clayface looks in a mirror and sees it's true]

Clayface

Don't look at me! [Covers his face and runs away]

Harley Quinn

[Rough housing with Babs and Dick, body flipping him on the floor] And... you're both dead! Come on. You can do better than that! [Punches Barbara in chest]

What the heck?! That was dangerously close to my nipples! [Harley gets Barbara into a headlock and noogies her head]

Harley Quinn

Toughen up! You think real villains are about giving you a titty twister?! [Grabs Dick by nipples and throws him on floor] Think again!

I want my bat stun gun!

Harley Quinn

If you want a weapon, look around! Everything's a weapon!

Fine. What about my belt that Amelie poked four extra holes in?

Harley Quinn

Horrible choice for fashion. Great choice for weapon. [Garrotes Babs's neck with belt]

What about cheese balls? There were several on the floor this morning! I nearly broke my neck. Those Euro scum are trying to kill me!

Harley Quinn

Okay, paranoid, I'm sure it's just a Swedish tradition. [Points] Be... respectful!

[Pokes head in door] Hello! Do you recommend any Thai food?

It's in the binder, Jonas!

"Yonas"! Thanks, ya. [Draws head back out]

Harley Quinn

Remember this binder from when we fought the CleggBnB guest? Man, that was amazing! I mean, look, it still has some of Yonas's pubes on it!

Batgirl

Harley, maybe focus on the mission?

Harley Quinn

I was thinking that too! Where are you guy's friendship bracelets?

Nightwing

[Leaps off rooftop with Batgirl and Robin] We're not wearing them because we're not friends! [Proceeds to assault common thugs in alleyway] We're just super people who fight crime together!

Harley Quinn

[Leaps onto a thug] Of course we're friends! Just like my old crew! [Points to each crew member ignoring her] Batgirl, you're King Shark! Robin, you're Psycho! Uh, [punches a thug in face] Nightwing, [punches a thug in face] you are Clayface, [kicks a thug in face] because of what a drama queen you are!

Nightwing

Stop talking while we're fighting!

Harley Quinn

See? Such a Clayface!

Harley Quinn

I never realized how bad my night vision was till I started sneaking around in the shadows with you. [Gasps] It does explain why I went down on Ivy's armpit. Meh, she still got there.

[Harley bumps into him] Dude, watch where you're going!

Harley Quinn

Okay, okay. I see what's going on. You haven't let me into your hearts because my eyes suck. [Pokes Nightwing's abdomen]

Nightwing

Don't boop my tummy!

Harley Quinn

[Runs to thug running with a warehouse pallet] I'll protect you! [Jumps past thug and knocks herself out on a pipe]

[Harley wakes up] The LASIK went great! [Puts sunglasses on her] Your night vision is now 20/20!

Harley Quinn

Thank you for the hero discount! I cannot wait to surprise the Bat family with my new eyes! If they're willing to see how far I'm willing to go to be better, maybe they'll reciprocate and wear my bracelet.

Mmm-hmm. We called your emergency contact to pick you up, but her assistant said you were unavailable. She also said parting my hair like this makes me look matronly. But she couldn't see me, right?

Harley Quinn

Ugh, yeah. Nora. [Holds up phone] Let me try, Ivy. Call soulmate peach emoji sweat droplets emoji devil horn smile.

[To Harley in waiting room] You better find someone to pick you up or we'll be force to reverse the surgery.

Harley Quinn

Okay, I'm trying! I'm trying! [Calls Batgirl only to be unanswered with a scene of her phone left on bed] I've been abandoned!

Harley Quinn

[Walks in Ivy's apartment with a box calling for Ivy] Ive? Ivy? Guess who's moving in? [Sees Frank] Frank?! What.. what are you doing here?! I thought you lived at the office?!

Frank

I did until those Jons tried to get rid of me. They sent me to some fucking place called "Bialiya" to be "repotted". Luckily, I escaped by eating a truck driver.

Harley Quinn

The Jons?! Ugh! I don't even know what's going with Ivy anymore. I mean, wait. Does she still have red hair? Tell me everything.

Frank

Ooh. The NDA they made me sign is as strong as the truck driver's will to live. I shouldn't have said anything about Bialiya.

Harley Quinn

Uh, hey, Frank, I'm gonna aw up for Ivy, okay? [Sets box on floor, sits in sofa seat and falls asleep]

Frank

[To Harley asleep holding a knife impaled pillow] Bitch! Wake up! You sleep-stabbed all the pillows!

Harley Quinn

What?! No, I didn't!

Frank

Then you kicked the TV! I was watching Bobby Flay make a goddamn turkey burger! You opened up every closet and you screamed for 60 seconds! You know how many closets there are up in this bitch?! Then you shaved Catwoman's favorite cat! Then you tried to use me as a mannequin to see all of Catwoman's earrings, even though I kept telling you I don't have fucking earlobes! Man, I never seen sleepwalking like that.

Harley Quinn

Sleepwalking? Wait, wait, is Ivy here?

Frank

No, she just dropped in and changed from her spa blazer to her business blazer. Then she tripped over on that box on the way out. She was so goddamn pissed at whoever left it there. Don't worry, though. I covered for you.

Harley Quinn

She didn't even notice I was here?

Frank

That's how covering works. You're welcome. [Retracts back fully into his planting pot]

James Gordon

[Using camera to trim nose hairs] You are one sexy muchacho!

Harley Quinn

[Bursts in causing James to lose balance and have scissors rammed up nose] Gordon! I need your help!

James Gordon

I hit a blood vessel!

Harley Quinn

[Grabs James and throws him into chair] Listen, I was here last night for the Nightwing's dead party, and I saw another Harley! I gotta know if I'm losing my fucking mind! So, can we please check the security cameras now?

James Gordon

You know, I thought I saw my doppelganger once, but it was just a plate of carne asada and nachos atop a trash can.

Harley Quinn

[Looks at monitor] Who the hell is this?

James Gordon

Get ready for some cuteness. [Plays footage]

[Shooting camera of baby shark playing with handgun] Okay? Give daddy back his gun now. [Baby shark discharges firearm into camera]

Harley Quinn

Come on.

James Gordon

Hey! This is my... you find what you need?

Harley Quinn

Hey, where is the rest of the footage?!

James Gordon

I got some bathroom stuff, some make-out stuff. [Shoves James and kicks over a monitor in frustration] The rest, I kind of taped over.

Harley Quinn

[Grabs James shirt and gets on his lap] So fucking worthless! When I'm looking for something... I need to know what's happening to me! Gordon, do I seem insane to you?!

James Gordon

Um... no, you seem good.

Harley Quinn

[To Batgirl on the computer in the Batcave] Batgirl, I need to have a very one-sided conversation about my mental state. So, could you... hello?!

Batgirl

Sorry, what?! I can't hear anything with my headphones on. They're for busy girls in loud places, see? [Shows headphone reading "BUSY GRRRLS LOUD PLACES"]

Harley Quinn

So, um, I just wanna, like, talk about last night.

Batgirl

Weird. You didn't bring this up two hours ago when you brought me half an egg sandwich.

Harley Quinn

I did?! I don't remember doing that or eating half an egg sandwich?! Oh, my God. I'm really losing it?!

Batgirl

Okay. Well there's nothing to talk about. I had a nice cold shower, and I'm totally good now.

Harley Quinn

Okay. Well, cool. But I am totally not good. I'm more...

Batgirl

I don't think Joker murdered Nightwing. [Gets up]

Harley Quinn

What?

Batgirl

It doesn't add up. If Joker really did it, why would he wait an entire day to tell everyone?

Harley Quinn

Oh, my God! You're right! He really is the worst at keeping secrets! I mean, he always tells the kids where the afikomen is hidden at passover!

Batgirl

We gotta prove Joker's lying or no one will believe us when we find the actual murderer. Whoa! You look like do-do!

Harley Quinn

Right! That's, kind of, what I was hoping to talk to you about.

Batgirl

Okay, sorry. But I can't be the friend you need right now. I owe it to Nightwing to find the real killer. Can't you talk to Ivy? I'm trying to respect her boundaries and not to bother her with this stuff. Because, you know, she's been busy with...

Harley Quinn

Awesome. You're the best. Thank you. [Walks away]

Batgirl

Please close the door.

Harley Quinn

[Enters office] Hey babe, um...

Nora Freeze

Hey.

Harley Quinn

What's with the red wig?

Nora Freeze

I'm expecting the IRS this week. Gotta throw them off their game.

Harley Quinn

[Arrives to Poison Ivy attempting to hijack the time-sphere from a moving transport-truck] Listen, I need to talk to you.

Poison Ivy

Oh, man. People don't just show up at their partner's work like this.

Wonder Woman

Yeah, Harley. Imagine if the Supreme Court got Frenched on the bench.

Harley Quinn

I would not have come if it wasn't super important.

Poison Ivy

Can we just talk about this later?

Harley Quinn

I don't think we can.

Poison Ivy

Baby, are you trying to stop me from stealing the time-sphere?

Harley Quinn

Geez! There's a time-ball on this truck?!

Poison Ivy

Yes, I am a big deal super-villain! And sometime I steal time-spheres, okay?

Volcana

[Flying by] ABST. Always be stealing...

Poison Ivy

Enough with the fucking acronyms! Baby, I'm doing all this because I'm building something! So, when we're like, 60 years old and still hot, we can sip wine in our chateau and have plenty of time to talk.