Commissioner Gordon quotes from Harley Quinn

Commissioner Gordon

Best thing about chest hair. Chip catcher.

Commissioner Gordon

[to Barbara] Are you gonna lend a hand or is Batgirl too cool to help her dad in a montage where we skip past the hard parts of beating an alcohol addiction and cut to the part where I'm clean?

Commissioner Gordon

Citizens of Gotham! You are here today because you have answered the call. We have an opportunity to save our beloved Gotham City and get back our rightful place in the United States. That means clean water, fresh food, and overpriced Internet providers!

Commissioner Gordon

I got into public service to shoot bad guys, allowing for the occasional accidental shooting of an innocent because no one's perfect!

Commissioner Gordon

[to the Joker] Wow. You really are changed. You're the kind of stepdad I wish I can be for my biological daughter.

Commissioner Gordon

You're a cancer, Quinn. Spreading from Gotham's lymph nodes into its spleen, and God help us if you get to Gotham's bladder! But I'm the chemo!

Harley Quinn

[to Batman] How long's he gonna keep doing this?

Commissioner Gordon

You're a festering boil, Quinn! A bedsore! A tapeworm that sets up shop in Gotham's lower--

Batman

Jim.

Commissioner Gordon

All right. Where's the Joker?

Harley Quinn

I'll never give up my Puddin'!

Batman

Why are you protecting a psychotic clown that treats you like garbage?

Harley Quinn

Asked the guy who fucks bats.

Commissioner Gordon

HE DOESN'T DO THAT!

Batman

Jim.

Commissioner Gordon

Sorry.

Batman

I work alone.

Commissioner Gordon

What about me?

Batman

Not now, Jim.

Commissioner Gordon

Are you sitting?

Batman

Sometimes I sit.

Commissioner Gordon

Never seen it.

Batman

You don't know everything I do.

Commissioner Gordon

Now I brought a list of things that I need you to pay for so I can take back the city. One: police officers. Two: a codpiece that I can wear that opens up and shoots a tiny missile.

Bruce Wayne

That doesn't exist.

Commissioner Gordon

Not. Yet. That's where you and your fat wallet come in.

Commissioner Gordon

So... got any plans for tonight, Batman?

Batman

Uhh, stop Joker from blowing up Gotham.

Commissioner Gordon

Yeah! Huh, of course. I meant, like, after that.

Two-Face

What, ya gonna write me a ticket?

Commissioner Gordon

A ticket TO HELL!

Harley Quinn

Probably be best if you turn around your merry band of meatbags.

Commissioner Gordon

And why the hell would I do that?

Harley Quinn

Gordo, I have a flying army from a hell planet under my control.

Commissioner Gordon

Well, I made my decision! And I never back down from my decisions. It’s a terrible quality that has ruined most of my personal relationships, so bring it!

Dr. Psycho

The point is, I'm gonna do what you never could, because you are a pussy!

Harley Quinn

Pussies are powerful. They birthed all of humanity!

Commissioner Gordon

I was a C-Section.

Fuck you!

No, FUCK you! [throws the microphones and storms off]

Harley Quinn

I'm getting nervous about Kylie's and Brittney's improv skills with Gordon.

Poison Ivy

They're trained professionals. I'm sure they can buy us at least another five minutes.

Oooh, no. We've been bad.

Oooh, we need someone to punish us.

Not Commissioner Gordon!

We're respect and fear him so much.

Two-Face

Something about this doesn't seem right.

Commissioner Gordon

Hold on. Let's hear 'em out. [Two-Face switches the lights on to see their faces.] What the...? Adult film actresses Kylie Kyriptonite and Brittney Bionic?

I'm a huge fan.

Loved you in The Drilling Joke.

Please, sign my gun.

Can I get an autograph? I-it's for my husband.