Harley Quinn quotes

You're a cancer, Quinn. Spreading from Gotham's lymph nodes into its spleen, and God help us if you get to Gotham's bladder! But I'm the chemo!

[to Batman] How long's he gonna keep doing this?

You're a festering boil, Quinn! A bedsore! A tapeworm that sets up shop in Gotham's lower--

Batman

Jim.

All right. Where's the Joker?

I'll never give up my Puddin'!

Batman

Why are you protecting a psychotic clown that treats you like garbage?

Asked the guy who fucks bats.

HE DOESN'T DO THAT!

Batman

Jim.

Sorry.

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Ugh, look what all those months in Arkham did to my poor babies. And where is that stupid neighbour kid I hired to water them, for fuck's sake?

Frank the Plant

Uh, he quit after a week. Very unprofes-- [retches and regurgitates the kid's digested remains]

Really, Frank? What if his parents come to look for him?

Frank the Plant

Unlikely. [hocks up the remains of both parents]

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[excitedly] Is this the good kinda acid that gives you superpowers?!

The Riddler

No!

Awwww...

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Just stopped by to check up on ya, but I see you're doin' great, love the new look, I'm gonna pick up some Thai food, text me what you want, okay?

Oh, no, wait! I'll have a green potato curry.

Yeah, but I mean-I just-just text it to me.

But you're right here.

Yeah, but then I'm not going to remember what you want, and you won't like what I get you, and you're gonna want some of mine. Just-just fuckin' text it.

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Scarecrow

[gossiping with Bane] Oh, crazy about Joker and Harley. I heard they tried an open relationship thing, which everybody knows only works for gay men...

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The Joker

I need a permit for a trap door?! The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it! Especially the city!

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Harley is at Penguin's nephew's bar mitzvah.

She crashed the stupid thing?!

Yeah, seems like she's doing pretty well. Brought a tiger. Pretty cool.

What?! Anyone can buy a tiger! You know she has HPV, right?

Hey, most sexually active adults do.

SHUT UP!

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I know it's you, Scarecrow, Two-Face, other half of Two-Face, [in a deep voice, doing a muscle-flexing pose] Bane!

[Two-Face and Scarecrow laugh]

[sulkily] I'm going to blow up this Bar Mitzvah!

Two-Face

Quinn, great to see you! Where you been hiding?

On your left, where you can't see shit.

[Bane, Two-Face and Scarecrow laugh]

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BANE! Quit dicking around with Kite Man and get those two!

But he was attacking me.

With what?! A KITE?! Just do what I tell you, you dumb, freakish monster!

Bane, why are you letting him talk to you like that? [to the other villains] In fact, why do any of you let him talk to you like that? He doesn't even have powers! His only power is bullying you into doing what he wants. I should know. He did it to me for years.

Don't listen to her! She's nothing!

She makes a good point. I don't like how you called me a monster.

Scarecrow

Yeah, that was pretty harsh...

Two-Face

Oh yeah...

Oh my God, it's just an expression!

Also, let's talk about dinner! I selected the beef well in advance and you stole it from me! You said you didn't even want to come to this "stupid thing!"

[Everyone gasps and gives the Joker disapproving looks]

My feelings exactly! This is a monumental night for young Joshua!

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[To the boys transforming into trees]

Okay, boys. [claps] So, I got the antidote to turn you back into humans, okay? But the only effective way of doing it is when my saliva interacts... [shrugs and sighs] with your saliva.

BBenjamin

[grinning] So... is this a kiss?

No! It's not a kiss, it is... it is an antidote delivery system, nothing more. You will still be sexless nerds by the time the night is over, okay? [drinks the antidote] And... [kisses the boys one by one, turning them human again] Yep. This is... this is procedural, okay? [Benjamin tries his luck again, carrying a branch] Yeah, I kissed you already, buddy.

BBenjamin

Yeah, I'm... I'm still a little bit tree!

Ah, fuck off, get outta here.

Yeah, fuck off, kid.

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I need a fucking crew!