Mike Chang quotes from Glee

Artie

Stop picking on Kurt.

You mind? I'm changing.

Mike

We're serious. [slams locker closed] This is a warning.

Oh, yeah?

Artie

From now on you're gonna leave him alone.

Look, if he wants to be a homo, that's up to him. Don't rub it in my face.

Artie

We're not asking you.

Mike

Yeah, we're done talking about this. It ends now. Just back off, alright?

Why don't you back off? [pushes Mike into Artie]

(walking and talking in the hallway)

Mike

I'm pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush in the parking lot.

Lauren

You can eat that you know.

Artie

Brittany still believes in Santa Claus.

Mercedes

(holds in a laugh) You cannot be serious.

Sam

Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern.

Quinn

She's gonna find out sooner or later.

Rachel

(looking at Finn)

Finn

(decorating the tree)

Rachel

Do you mind, um, meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at four?

Finn

Sure.

Lauren

Someone's gotta break the news to her.

Uh uh. Not me. I mean I'm cruel and all but that's just hardcore.

Artie

That's my point. Hear me out. Remember how excited you get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little longer?

Mike

How?

Artie

I got it all figured out.

Brittany

Go Mercedes, go Mercedes, go! (smiles)

Mercedes

(sitting on Santa's lap) I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony and a dolly that laughs and cries and...one of us smells like McDonald's.

Lauren

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. And I want sweet potato fries.

Santana

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want bling. I can't be more specific than that. Okay hold up. Don't tell that's a roll of Certs in your pocket. (gets off)

Artie

(nodding)

Quinn

(sitting on Santa's lap) Do you have anything for stretch marks?

Sam

(sitting on Santa's lap) Chapstick. Lots of Chapstick.

Mike

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.

Tina

(sitting on Santa's lap) When does Asian Santa arrive?

Next.

Brittany

(to Elf Lady) Just know, you have rights.

Ho, ho, ho.

Brittany

(sits on Santa's lap)

What's your name?

Brittany

Brittany. You've gotten really tan.

That's because in the North Pole there is a hole in the ozone.

Brittany

(laughs) You're amazing. I know you're really busy so I only want one thing for Christmas. (points to Artie) Do you see my boyfriend over there?

Artie

(waves)

Artie

(frowns)

(turns to Artie)

Artie

(shakes his head no)

Um...sure. I'm on it.

Brittany

Thank you Santa.

Artie

Now we're screwed.

Brittany

(hugs Santa)

Tina

[piggy back rides Mike and nibbling his ear]

Mike

[laughing]

Santana

[voiceover] How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action in this school, and here I am, on Valentine's and single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable.

Quinn

[smirking at Finn]

Finn

[smiling back at Quinn]

Santana

Wait, that's weird. Quinn has that queen bitch smirk on her face and Finn only has that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. [gasps] Holy sweet hell. They're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like! I do it all the time. [chuckles]

Mike

[goes to comfort Tina]

Tina

[crying harder and turns to Mike] Everyday is Valentine's Day when I'm with you. I'm so overcome with love. I love you, Mike Chang.

Will

Okay, wow. That was powerful...almost too powerful. [goes to Mike and Tina]

Tina

[wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I need to close my locker and it's going to sound like a gunshot. [closes her locker gently]

Mercedes

[starts walking with Tina, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've had the worst hangover since Saturday and it's Monday.

Santana

[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've been dry heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was I told her I was practicing bird calls.

Mike

[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] You guys, I can't stop barfing.

Tina

Please don't say barf.

Santana

I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girl's bathroom.

Mike

I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.

Tina

Can we talk about anything else?

Santana

This is a song I wrote for Sam. It's called "Trouty Mouth".

Sam

[frowns] Wait, what's it called?

Mike

Trouty Mouth.

Sam

Why didn't you tell us?

We did.

Santana

Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into eye de-slanting.

Tina

That's extraordinarily racist.

Santana

Just keeping it real.

Tina

Sorry Santana, I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing.

Mike

Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? [whispers] Self hating Asian.

Tina

Not too many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to mirror what I see in magazines.

Finn

My dancing kind of bothers me. It almost killed Rachel but I like the way I look.

Santana

Oh please. You have weird puffy pyramid nipples.

Sam

[tries to look at Finn's nipples]

Finn

[slaps Sam's hand away]

Santana

They look like they're filled with custard. Or you could dust them off with powdered sugar and pass it off as some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel is fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.

Mike

I got an A-, Tina.

Tina

You got an Asian F?

Finn

Ugh, I'm freaking out! I have no idea what to get Rachel for Christmas!

Artie

When in doubt, go with socks!

Mike

A wok is always good!

Rory

What about soil?

Blaine

I agree with Artie about the socks.

See? This is why I don't have a high maintenance girlfriend. Or any girlfriend, for that matter.

Kurt

[putting on lotion and eavesdropping]

Artie

I want to be there to see my kid's first steps.

Sugar

I want to be there to see Sex & The City Part 3.

Wow.

I'm sort of embarrassed to admit it, but I really do want to graduate high school.

Finn

I'm going to petition the Army to change my dad's dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one.

Quinn

I'm looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class.

Santana

I'm looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again.

Brittany

I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.

Blaine

I'm looking forward to marriage equality in all fifty states.

MIke

I'm looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnegie Hall.

Tina

I just want a song.

We all know why we're here. I've waited five years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day. Go.

Kurt

Ooh! A Gershwin/Sondheim scavenger hunt!

Santana

[scoffs] That sounds like torture.

I want actual ideas, Kurt.

Mike

Footloose marathon. Footloose, Footloose 2011.

Mercedes

What about a non-alcoholic pub crawl?

It's Senior Ditch Day, not Senior Citizen's Ditch Day.

Brittany

It's springtime. I would like to see something give birth. [Tina and Quinn smile and giggle.]

Rachel

[begins to cry] Quinn, I'm so sorry. It was my wedding you were going to when you got in your car crash. And you were answering my text message and now we're all sitting here, we're talking about this day that's suppose to be the most amazing and unforgettable day of our high school lives. And we're completely ignoring the fact that she's sitting in that chair. [shakes her head] It's not right. It's not right and it shouldn't be like this.

Quinn

Well, maybe not, but this is the way it is. My accident, which you did not cause by the way, doesn't define me or ruin our senior year. I meant what I said in the choir room. I'm not going to dwell on this and neither should any of you. Okay? [to Rachel] Come here.