Sue Sylvester quotes from Glee

Emma

Sue should join the Glee club.

Will

Wait, what?

Sue

No, rather be dead.

[about Sam dressed like Justin Bieber] That haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.

Sue

Shh. Let her speak.

Sue

Hey, where's the hate?

Will

Not the point of glee club, Sue.

Brittany

Hey.

Santana

[looks at Brittany then back to her locker]

Brittany

Can I ask you a question? We use to be really close and I really miss being your friend.

Santana

Still waiting for the question.

Brittany

Did I do something wrong?

Santana

No. Look, I don't know. Did you? All I know is you blew me off to be with Stubbles McCripplePants. That's fine. It's your loss. 'Cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're going to sing at Regionals.

Brittany

Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.

Santana

I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Could you stop staring at me? I can't remember my locker combo.

Sue

Well well. If it isn't Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Fake Boobs.

Brittany

You know you can't talk to us like that. You're not our cheer coach anymore.

Sue

I'm not anybody's cheerleading coach anymore.

Mercedes

[at her locker when sticks start getting thrown at her] What are you doing?

Sue

[throwing sticks] Throwing sticks at your head. I'm going to crush you at Regionals.

Do I get a super villain nickname?

Sue

Your nickname is Panda Express.

But I'm not Chinese.

Sue

Neither is the food at Panda Express.

Sue

"I miss my sister. Every night at 10 or so, she used to call me on the phone, and when I asked her why...she'd tell me her body told her...she wanted to hear my voice." [begins to cry]

Will

[gets up and takes Sue's paper] Here, I'll read it. [begins to read] "I miss my sister. The smell of her shampoo. The way she could always convince me to read her another book. When you love some like I loved her they're a part of you it's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them and now every time I reach for that tether I know there's no one on the other end and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness and then I remember Jean. I remember a life lead with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets and I'm inspired to get up out of bed and go on. I miss my sister so much it feels like piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Just ten more seconds-- is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can't and I won't and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So for now I'm just going to miss her. I love you, Jeannie. Rest in peace.”

Sue

Now, if this is about the complaint you lodged against me with Principal Figgins, I already know.

Becky

You do, Coach?

Sue

Oh Becky, I've known ever since I tinker-tailor-soldier-spied my way into Figgins's file cabinet and read the evaluation cards. And when I saw one written in crayon, I knew it was either you or Brittany, and you're the better speller.

Sue

You know, Roz, the English language lacks the requisite words to express just how much I dislike you. And I'm onto you. Yeah, I've seen All About Eve. I know what you're planning. You're waiting for me to take maternity leave, and then you're going to swoop in and try to steal my job.

Roz

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Wait. Oh, my God. Hold up. Maternity leave?! Are you pulling my leg?!

Sue

No, I am not. I am getting pregnant, and then I am having a baby.

Roz

With whose vagina!? Sue, you can't have no baby. You are old as a hill. You ain't gonna give birth to no child. You gonna give birth to a grandchild. You gonna get in them stirrups, and you gonna push and push, and a full-grown adult gonna pop out with a briefcase and a job talking on a cell phone.

Sue

Hold it right there, Sandbags. You and I need to have a serious chat. Now I realize when I chose Becky as co-captain for the Cheerios! it might have rubbed you the wrong way.

Santana

Wanky.

Sue

And I've often admired the craven heartlessness of your pointless, vindictive back-stabbing. Kind of takes me back to the old salad days. But you crossed the Maginot Line when you started messing with Sue Sylvester's family.

Santana

What are you talking about? What family?

Sue

You lodged a complaint about my teaching tactics with Principal Figgins, possibly derailing my bid for tenure just when I'm trying to have a baby!

Santana

A baby? With whose vagina?!

Sue

Black Sue, it's no secret I despise you. I spent the weekend sending your photo to ivory poachers who could make an absolute fortune selling your enormous white teeth on the black market. Yet it sounds like you and I finally have something to agree on.

Roz

Look, I understand kids making jokes about things they find uncomfortable, like how there's a cheerleading coach at their school who's old as dirt and still trying to have a baby, who they know is gonna come out looking weird with rabies and wings, and it's gonna fly out of your hat box and straight back into hell. But domestic violence? That's nothing to joke about.

Finn

Whoa, whoa Tina where are you going?

Tina

You guys don't need me-- carry on.

Rachel

Tina, you don't understand. I need this.

Tina

Because you blew an audition? That's not a reason for you to get a solo at nationals. Maybe the rest of us would like one, too.

Rory

I wouldn't mind having another one before I get deported.

Sugar

I want one even though I can't sing.

Mike

Tina, Rachel's a senior.

Tina

So are you, but you can bet the only thing you'll be doing is a dance break with Brittany. Other people matter.

Will

Tina, you might not always get the solos, but you are a key player. I put you in charge of costumes.

Tina

Wow! like that's some prize. You want props to move around? Well I'm a human prop, and I'm sick of it!

Sue

Take a lap and cool down, Asian Number One.

Tina

My name is Tina. Tina Cohen-Chang!

Sue

Isn't she the one who used to stutter?

Artie

This is bad. Never in the history of show choir competitions has anyone ever fainted.

Sam

We got the juice. We got the juice.

Marley

No, I'm okay.

Kitty

Drink the damn juice!

Finn

Marley are you okay? What happened?

Jake

She hasn't been eating. She's skipping lunch.

Santana

Is that because you've been telling her too? You're trying to turn her into a damn rexy?

Kitty

What? No. Why would I- why would I want that?

Santana

Because you're a crazy evil bitch.

Will

Hey Marley, are you alright?

Finn

The nurse is on the way, Mr. Schue.

Will

Santana, Puck, you stay here with Marley. The rest of you guys get back up there. Leaving the stage mid-competition for any reason is risking immediate disqualification.

Finn

What?! That-That's a Rule?

Sue

Yeah, it's a rule. One of the bylaws actually. As all of you were spiraling into a self-created k-hole of crazy, the judges, by unanimous vote have declared the Warblers victorious. Hey, congratulations Finn Hudson. For the first time in its charmed yet pitiful existence, the New Directions has lost Sectionals. But here's the good news, Christmas came early for one Sue Sylvester.

Finn

I seem to recall a rumor about a certain cheerleading coach at this school who once took horse estrogen and posed for Penthouse back in the day. So maybe I can just track that down and make a few copies and sell those to raise money for Regionals.

Sue

That's nothing but a rumor. But if that rumor were true, my Penthouse centerfold so groundbreaking that it completely redefined the term 'hirsute,' and gave birth unto these United States a pose so limber, they named it the Regal American Not-So-Bald Spread Eagle, I promise you, my friend, you would never find it.

Emma

Um, Sue, I feel really scared. I feel really overwhelmed. I feel like I can't think straight. I'm just really, really worried that this isn't going to work.

Sue

Well, of course it isn't going to work. You're a weird bird lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD. And Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children. And his best friend? Nineteen.