Sue Sylvester quotes from Glee

Sue

Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without express permission of the president of the Federal Reserve!

Figgins

Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without confetti cannons!

Sue

Do you think your kids can manage life without their daddy?

Sue

First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse-sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to Hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles, but you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.

Do not get up in the Panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.

Sue

[Whispering] That doesn't make any sense.

Jacob

I love Britney Spears!

Lauren

I wanna be that hat!

Jacob

Take it off! Yes!

Lauren

Mr. Schue, let me be your Britney!

Jacob

[Moans, jumps up and down] It's so sexy! It's so sexy!

Lauren

Mr. Schue I want you!

Jacob

[Pointing at the stage] Don't stop doing that! Don't stop doing that! Yes! Yes! [Jacob grabs the butt of the person standing in front of him. It turns out to be a guy] Uh-oh. [The guy punches Jacob]

Sue

It's a Britney Spears sex riot! [Pulls the fire alarm]

Sue

How's your father?

Kurt

They say his condition is critical but stable. Good news, I guess.

Sue

I'm sorry for what you're going through, Lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I guess I don't have to--I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don't like what Schuester doing in that classroom even more than usual, but I can't go the school board without an official compliant from a student.

Kurt

So you want me to be your scapegoat?

Sue

You don't understand…I know at times I was around with you guys for fun. I admit it-it aids digestion. But I'm not joking here. I want to be your champion.

Emma

What happened to you, Sue? What horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant?"

Sue

Have a seat. Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her, and so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after awhile I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough. It's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.

Emma

Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?

Sue

It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how open-hearted, or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?

Sue

(holds up a piece of broccoli) Do you know what this is?

Mercedes

A toilet brush.

Sue

It' broccoli. When I showed this to to Brittany earlier she began to whimper thinking I cut down a small tree where a small family of gummy bears lived.

Will

I thought we were friends.

Sue

Yeah, that got boring.

Kurt

It's the fear that's the worst. I never know when it's coming. I can't concentrate. I don't feel like I'm part of the school. I feel like I'm in a horror movie where this creature follows me around terrifying me and there's nothing I can do about it? You don't know what's going on in this kid's head. You don't know what he's capable of.

Will

What does that mean?

Kurt

Nothing. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Sue

Lady, if this kid lays a finger on you, I will expel him faster than a Thai take-out place can read back your order. Okay? But until that happens, I'm genuinely sorry to say this, there's nothing legally I or the school board can do.

Will

Come on Kurt. We're gonna be late for rehearsal.

Kurt

[Gets his bag and begins to leave but stops and turns to Sue] You know when you call me lady, that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.

Sue

I'm sorry, I thought that was your name. As an apology I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, or Tickle Me Doughface.

Kurt

I guess I'll go with Porcelain.

Sue

Damn, totally wanted Tickle Me Doughface.

Sue

I'm going to stop you right there! Why are you wearing that hat?

Lauren

Because it's Christmas, and it's fun.

Sue

No, it's offensive. You're wearing a Santa Claus hat, and yet you're not handing me any gifts. I need gifts.

Lauren

You want my hat?

Sue

It's a start.

Becky

Christmas came anyway, Coach. It's beautiful.

Sue

It is.

Will

(enters his home and takes off his scarf and coat and grabs something from his fridge then enters his living room)

Sue

Hey Will.

Will

(shocked) How--How did you get in here?

Sue

Oh, I had key made ages ago.

Will

(staring in astonishment)

Sue

Do you like your tree?

Will

Uh, it's-it's beautiful. What's going on? What's with all the presents?

Sue

Well you remember that old meanie who stole of those stuff in the choir room? Well she's sorry.

Will

Really? Well what made her change her mind?

Sue

I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something but I got you something special. (gives Will a present) It's okay. It's not going to explode.

Will

(takes the present, opens it and takes out a razor)

Sue

I thought you'd like to put us all out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.

Will

(smiles) Thanks, Sue. The tree really does look great.

Sue

Well Santa had some helpers. (blows her whistle)

Rachel

No one should be alone on Christmas, Mr. Schuester.

Sue

Too much talking, lady. Come on, let's get some Christmas up here.

Will

I thought you hated the holidays.

Sue

Nah, I just hate you.

Will

Merry Christmas, Sue.

Sue

Merry Christmas, Will.

Thoughts?

Sue

I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

So tell me Sue, how are you holding up?

Sue

I'm hanging in there. Thank you.

I know it's painful, but can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as "Loser of the Year"?

Sue

I thought this was The 10 Most Fascinating...

That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, nine percent unemployment, and Sparky Lohan who is Dina Lohan's dog, and apparently also a loser. How do you cope with that?

Sue

I've been drinking a lot of bleach.

Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?

Sue

Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.