I was super hungry but my mom was gone so I busted out the George Foreman. It wasn't making cool grill marks like it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes, but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy.
“Grilled Cheesus” · Season 2, Episode 3
In this episode: Kurt Hummel (14), Finn Hudson (12), Brittany Pierce (5), Mercedes Jones (4), Santana Lopez (3), Rachel Berry (2), Quinn Fabray (2), Sue Sylvester (2)
When I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God. Literally: I have made a Grilled Cheesus. I'm not the most religious guy. I sort of worship Eric Clapton and Ochocinco.
Dear Grilled Cheesus, first of all, you're super delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie & I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you did kind of screw him in the leg department. And in return, Cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee club.
Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.
PPuck
Oh my God, he's coming out.
Why, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.
PPuck
That's way worse.
Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus I'd go to church. And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.
I don't see what's wrong with getting a little church in here.
I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I've turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.
Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard-baby?
Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.
You got a problem with Jesus?
PPuck
Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.
Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over.. and she has to work the night shift.
I-I can't do this Friday. They have sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale Theater, it's a once- a-year event.
And last week you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
SEASON SIX, Dad.
Those Friday night dinners are ritual in our family - one your mom started.
I know, but I'm a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this?
What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something. I didn't go to Sunday school so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing... Dating Rachel is great, but she's kind of a prude and I'm sort of going crazy. Anyway, her boobs aren't that great, but they're still girl boobs and I'll still like to touch them. So, Jesus, considering that I've dedicated a week of my musical life to you, I hope you can see it in your heart to answer my prayers. Amen.
Hey Kurt, we're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.
I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.
[Entering] What the hell happened?
My dad's in the hospital.
I know. My mom just called me. I feel I'm the last one to know.
I'm sorry Finn, but it didn't occur to me to call you because he's not your father.
Yeah, well, he's the closest person I'm ever going to get, okay? I don't know what it looks like to everyone else, but I thought we were sort of family. Look, I guess I just didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class.
Thank you Mercedes. Your voice is stunning but I don't believe in God... You've all professed your beliefs, I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God is kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay and then he has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don't want a heavenly father, I want my real one back.
Look, Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God.
You can't prove that there isn't a magic tea pot floating around on the dark side of the moon, with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?
Is God an evil dwarf?
We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right.
I'm sorry Quinn. But all you can believe whatever you want to, but I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thought, but I don't want?your prayers.
Let's discuss your new-found love for Jesus and how it's affecting me. I want this relationship to go the distance, but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies, that those babies will raised in a certain way...
You don't think you're gonna have sex until you're 25?
Both of my dads' people were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.
Sure. Of course. Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and wear those hats and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.
I made him a card that said "Heart attacks are just from loving too much."
How's your father?
They say his condition is critical but stable. Good news, I guess.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, Lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I guess I don't have to--I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don't like what Schuester doing in that classroom even more than usual, but I can't go the school board without an official compliant from a student.
So you want me to be your scapegoat?
You don't understand…I know at times I was around with you guys for fun. I admit it-it aids digestion. But I'm not joking here. I want to be your champion.
What happened to you, Sue? What horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant?"
Have a seat. Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her, and so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after awhile I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough. It's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.
Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?
It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how open-hearted, or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Glee pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.