Kurt Hummel quotes from Glee

Finn

Look, I'm getting to the point in my life where I kind of need to be honest with myself about who I am.

Kurt

And who is that?

Finn

Not you. Not Rachel.

Kurt

That's the point, Finn. There are plenty of us, trust me. The one thing that Glee Clubs and theater programs don't have is the hot straight football player who can sing and sort of dance. You're unique, Finn. And I can't see this proposal thing as anything else but you giving up on yourself.

Mercedes

How is the girl with no ass supposed to choose between the juiced-up wolf and the depressed vampire? She is into both of them.

Rachel

Oh come on Mercedes, she just knows.

Mercedes

What if they both make her feel amazing in differents ways?

Rachel

No, you don't get to choose when it comes to true love. True love chooses you. And you better be certain when it comes to marriage, because marriage is a promise and it lasts forever.

Kurt

Ladies, I appreciate you spending time with me while Blaine recovers, but why are you being so weird and serious? Our periods don't come until the end of the month.

Will

All right, guys! Let me ask you something: where do you think you'll be in the year 2030?

Broadway! (They look at each other) Twinsies!

Artie

Walking.

In jail. Or dead. Or both.

Sugar

Okay, everyone! It's time for my extra special guest! Back from the dead and cute and compact as ever.

Blaine

[standing by the door] Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.

Kurt

[looks up shocked]

Sebastian

Well well well, if it isn't a young Barbra Streisand and an old Betty White. Where's Gay Cyclops? Still trying to stumble his way in?

Kurt

We can't come here anymore.

Sebastian

[to Rachel] I brought an engagement gift for you. [hands Rachel an envelope]

Rachel

[opens the envelope, takes out a picture of Finn and gapes in shock] Oh my God! [covers Finn's privates in the picture] That thing is photoshopped! His thing is not that small, or brown!

Kurt

And he could never fit into those pumps.

Sebastian

Just think, from now until eternity, every time someone Googles 'Finn Hudson', they'll be treated to that. And dozens just like it. That's the beauty of the internet. It stays with us forever.

Rachel

What do you want, Sebastian?

Sebastian

I want a guaranteed Regionals win so I want you to drop out. McKinley gets home court advantage this year, and you're gonna come down with Asian bird-flu, or whatever Tina Blowhen-Wang just had.

Rachel

But that is show choir terrorism.

Kurt

You give a bad name to the entire gay community.

Sebastian

And you give the gay community cutting-edge fashions usually only seen on Puerto-Rican Pride floats.

Kurt

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over your giant horse teeth.

Sebastian

You have 24 hours to drop out, Rachel, or I press the 'upload' button. [walks away]

Quinn

I feel sorry for Karofsky, but what he did was selfish. He didn't just want to hurt himself, he wanted to hurt everyone around him. I went through the wringer, but I never got to that place-

Kurt

Quinn, please. Sure, you had a baby when you were sixteen, and you had a bad dye job for two weeks, but seriously? The world never stopped loving you. And you're going to Yale. You've no idea what Karofsky was struggling with.

Quinn

You really want to try to compare-

Kurt

The despair, the self-loathing…

Quinn

It doesn't matter. I just can't imagine things getting so messed up that you would consider taking your own life.

Kurt

That is so harsh and reductive. Have some compassion.

Kurt

I'm looking forward to watching my dad make a difference in Congress.

Rachel

I'm looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life.

Rory

I know this sounds silly but the peanut butter really is amazing, Mr. Schue. Do you know what I'm looking forward to? Winning at Regionals.

Kurt

Can I come in?

Yeah. The doctor's took me off 72-hour watch. I get to go home tomorrow.

Kurt

That's great. I'm really happy that you're alive, David.

Me too.

Kurt

I should have returned your calls.

Why would you, after the way I've treated you?

Kurt

It's okay.

No, it's not okay. It's like you said on Valentine's Day, I made your life a living hell for months. But when the same thing happened to me, I couldn't take it for a week. My supposed best friend telling me he never wants to talk to me again, my mom telling me I have a disease… and maybe I can be cured. I don't know what to do. I can't go back to that school.

Kurt

Then go to another school. I'm not gonna lie to you, it isn't going to be easy. And there will be days when… life just sucks. But you're gonna get through this. ‘Cause I'm gonna help you. And so is everyone who loves you and accepts you for who you are. And if they can't accept that, then… screw ‘em, right?

Yeah.

We all know why we're here. I've waited five years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day. Go.

Kurt

Ooh! A Gershwin/Sondheim scavenger hunt!

Santana

[scoffs] That sounds like torture.

I want actual ideas, Kurt.

Mike

Footloose marathon. Footloose, Footloose 2011.

Mercedes

What about a non-alcoholic pub crawl?

It's Senior Ditch Day, not Senior Citizen's Ditch Day.

Brittany

It's springtime. I would like to see something give birth. [Tina and Quinn smile and giggle.]

Rachel

[begins to cry] Quinn, I'm so sorry. It was my wedding you were going to when you got in your car crash. And you were answering my text message and now we're all sitting here, we're talking about this day that's suppose to be the most amazing and unforgettable day of our high school lives. And we're completely ignoring the fact that she's sitting in that chair. [shakes her head] It's not right. It's not right and it shouldn't be like this.

Quinn

Well, maybe not, but this is the way it is. My accident, which you did not cause by the way, doesn't define me or ruin our senior year. I meant what I said in the choir room. I'm not going to dwell on this and neither should any of you. Okay? [to Rachel] Come here.

Kurt

You've said you're sorry a million times and I believe you. And I'm trying to forgive you, but I'm just not there yet. But it's Thanksgiving and it's sectionals, and I miss you like crazy and I can't stand not talking to you even though I'm mad at you, because you're still my best friend.

Blaine

You're mine, too.

Kurt

Rachel is a serious actress, Brody. She doesn't do nudity.

Brody

As performers, that's a question that we're all gonna have to face. If you want to win an Oscar, you have to show your boobs. Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connolly, Kathy Bates.

Rachel

So, did you hear about Santana's good news?

Kurt

That she doesn't have a yeast infection?

Kurt

Are we all set in there?

Santana

If by all set, do you mean did I light the candy cane scented candles on the toilet, then yes, we're all set.

Kurt

[as Spencer walks into the locker room] Hey, I'm open. [Spencer tosses the football at him, which flies out of his hands] Well, I guess that's why I was the kicker....which was a transformational moment for the school, by the way. Yeah, marked the beginning of a great synchronicity between Glee Club and football. Just ask any of the football guys that are back for homecoming.

So why aren't they here trying to recruit me? Why did they send you? 'Cause we both like guys?

Kurt

[following him to the bench] Look, I know we don't have much else in common, but only a gay man knows what it's like for us out there.

I know when you were in high school, being gay was how you primarily identified yourself, but that’s not my thing.

Kurt

Don’t you think it’s everyone else’s thing?

When I told people I was gay, only two people had a problem with it. Coach Beiste kicked them off the team.

Kurt

Look, you’re naive if you don’t think you’re standing on our shoulders. Okay, you owe Glee Club.

Please, I owe Modern Family. Listen, when Coach Beiste kicked those guys off the football team, they cornered me in the parking lot when I was getting into my car, got all up in my face. One of them ended the day with his jaw wired shut, and the other, I don’t think he ever stopped running. I can’t stand Gaga, I’ve never seen Newsies, and I don’t write Archie fan fiction where Archie and Jughead are hot for each other. Just because you and I happen to be born in the same 10% of the population that would choose Andrew Garfield over Emma Stone doesn’t mean we have anything else in common. So I’m not saying no to your Glee Club because it’s gay or straight, I’m saying no because I think it sucks. I’m sorry, man.

Kurt

[while with Sue Sylvester in her office] I met someone online, his name is Walter.

Sue

[looking horrified] Oh, Porcelain. No-no-no-no. You will never come out of this alive. This person is obviously a cannibal. I mean, look at you. You're exceptionally well marbled.'

Sue

[continuing] If I was on a desert island with everybody I knew, I would absolutely eat you first. It doesn't even have to be a deserted island. There could be any number of casual dining establishments, and I would still opt to eat you. A mouth-watering delicious corn-fed Porcelain rump roast.

Kurt

Okay, I'm leaving.