Hermes Conrad quotes from Futurama

Hermes

You wanna see a picture of my boy?

Zoidberg

Sure. [Hermes presents photo] That's your penis!

Hermes

That's my boy!

Hermes

You'll have to be respectful. This customer is fifty-feet tall and sensitive about his appearance.

Amy

Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humongous acne cream... Aw, and one regular-sized condom.

Bender

All that and a small wiener? This guy's got it goin' on.

Hermes

As you can see, since Bender's death, request to bite one shiny metal ass are down 98%.

Hermes

Do you mind doing that later?

Scruffy

Bite my shiny metal ass.

Zoidberg

Hey, look, a fog is rolling in.

Hermes

No, that's just the Jamaican pride float.

Amy

Looks like it's speeding up.

Hermes

Oh, no! It's within munching distance of the Doritos float!

Hermes

Last time you went to the suicide booth, you ended up dating it for six months.

Leela

How is Lynn, by the way?

Bender

Livin' in Oregon with her crazy mother!

Fry

All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. [dials a number.]

Hermes

Who you gonna call?

Fry

Gho— [interrupted by a beep.]

The number you have dialed has been lame since 1989.

Hermes

Well, it's 6o'clock. I guess we'll have to deliver that human heart tomorrow. Good work, people!

Bender

Woo-hoo! Time to go clubbing! [pulls out a baseball bat] Baby seals, here I come!

Hermes

So... You grow hemp?

Yes.

Hermes

And... You do what with it?

All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope...

Hermes

Oh. Well, nice talking to you. [goes away.]

Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.

Hermes

[comes back] Let me give you my pager number.

Hermes

I can see sideways in time! [reverse] !emit ni syawedis ees nac I

Amy

Gee, I see CGI! [reverse] !IGC ees I, eeG

Fry

Poop! Ha-ha-ha! [reverse] !ah-ah-ah !pooP

Bender

Aw, yeah!

[in a conga line looping around the cockpit] Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender!

Bender

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-- Awww! That was the greatest uncountably infinite bunch of guys I ever met.

Hermes

Zoidberg was popular?!

Amy

Zoidberg had hair?!

Prof. Farnsworth

I never said he had hair! If you imagined it that way, that's your business!

Leela

Need I remind you that in space, the captain's word is law? I could marry Hermes with Bender against their will if I wanted to.

Hermes

[gasps] You wouldn't dare!

Bender

Eh, I've been married to worse.

Amy

Where are we?

Hermes

Inside the belly of the beast.

Fry

Like that guy in the Bible... Pinocchio!

Farnsworth

You're not my breakfast friends! What are you doing here?!

Amy

Leela's blackmailing us into eating healthy, organic food.

Farnsworth

Blackmail? What does she have on you?

Hermes

As long as we eat her filthy scrambled eggs, you'll never find out.

Morbo

Linda?

Linda

Morbo? The so-called common cold, introduced by living fossil Phillip J. Fry, is spreading out of control. All citizens are advised to wash their hands thoroughly... after beating up Phillip J. Fry.

Fry

[after he and the others hear this] Phew... lucky I'm safely locked-up in here with you guys.

Amy

[pointing at Fry] THERE HE IS!

Hermes

GET HIM!

Prof. Farnsworth

Of course! Having no mouths or ears they can only communicate through motions!

Fry

Or perhaps by odors.

Bender

That is how you communicate.

Hahahahahahaha!