Bender quotes from Futurama

Bender

Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?

Fry

Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best... at being a big jerk who's stupid and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt!

Bender

Eh, I've heard better.

Prof. Farnsworth

Being a captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is the perfect candidate for the job.

Bender

Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Bender

Sorry I got you sent to that South American Turkish prison instead of me on account of mistaken identity.

Flexo

You bastard! They treated me like an animal, and that's what I became! [laughs] Nah, you're all right. Good to see ya, buddy.

Bender

That's right, baby, I ain't your loverboy Flexo: the guy you love so much you even love anyone pretending to be him!

Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you're pretending to be.

Bender

Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that!

Fry

Wait a minute! I know what's going on here... you've all become IDIOTS!

Bender

Hey, let's all join the Reform Party!

Calculon

[upset] Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.

Bender

Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".

Bender

That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.

Dr. Zoidberg

Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud.

Bender

No I didn't. Raise middle finger.

Amy

What are their names?

Bender

Kids have names?

Bender

And from now on you're all named Bender Jr.

Daddy Bender, we're hungry.

Bender

What's with you kids? Every other day it's food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I'll get you some stupid food.

Can we have Bender Burgers again?

Bender

No! The cat shelter's on to me.

Prof. Farnsworth

That sounds very dangerous. Someone could get killed. [pointing] Fry, Leela, Bender...

Bender

[shaking fist] Damn you, old man!

Bender

Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery!

Fry

The address was to "Dogdoo 8", but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7.

Hermes

[to Dwight] Child mon, is this true?

Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission.

Cubert

[points at Bender] Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property!

Bender

[nervously] Lies! Lies and slander! [belches foam]

Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?! That's the last straw! You boys have been underfoot long enough!

Hermes

You jerked the words right outta my mouth! We're their fathers, and it's high times we acted like it!

Bender

[eagerly] Ooh-hoo! Here comes violence!

Hermes

[clears his throat] Get a job, you lazy kids!

Bender

[groans, then gets out a baseball bat] I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

Bender

We're making beer. I'm the brewery.

I heard alcohol makes you stupid.

Fry

No I'm ... doesn't.

Leela

Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21 it becomes very, very good.

Hermes

People, as you know, our young sons have become great successes in the very same field as us.

Bender

All right!

Fry

That's great!

Leela

That's good.

Hermes

Naturally, we're humiliated.

Farnsworth

That's why we need you, our loyal crew, to make Planet Express eight-hundred-percent more profitable.

Hermes

We'll start by slashing salaries. And this time, I mean REALLY slashing.

Leela

Uh, guys, I don't know how to tell you this... so I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly.

Fry

[cheerfully] We don't work for you anymore!

Farnsworth

What?!

Bender

Ah, beer. So many choices, and it makes so little difference.

Fry

How 'bout Löwbrau? It has dots.

Bender

Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot.

Fry

I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody.

Bender

Wah, wah! Baby wants a Zima!

Leela

Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk.

Bender

What's that? One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about?

Fry

No, it's an old Volkswagen van. [to Sal, shouting] Hey, Mister? Mind if I take this old van?

Sal

Sure. You wanna dump the corpses out of theres, it's yourses.

Fry

Yeah, yeah, I've gotten used cars before.

Leela

What's that? One of those Jefferson Starships I've heard so much about?

Fry

It's called a van, and in light of the fact that it's not a-rockin', I invite you to come a-knockin'!