Calculon quotes from Futurama

Calculon

I was all of history's great robot actors: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny!

Calculon

Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.

Calculon

Let me get this straight: Does anyone here not have amnesia?

Calculon

Catastrophe Beach Party – scene one. Cue disaster effects and, action!

Calculon

Cut! That extra looked at the camera; we'll have to do it again.

Calculon

I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me?

Oh, Calculon! Yes!

It fits! Then you must know I'm...

Calculon

Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert.

Calculon

Give it to me straight, doctor. Don't sugar-coat it.

All right. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured home, and you have inoperable cancer.

Bender

[laughs hysterically] Bet you didn't expect that one, Calculon!

Fry

Knightrider wasn't evil!

Calculon

No, but his windshield wipers were. Didn't come up much in the show...

Calculon

[upset] Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.

Bender

Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".

Calculon

That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are, you will never work on my show!

Fry

Yay, Bender!

Leela

We demand Bender!

Calculon

However, you've got the job.

Calculon

Now, that's more like it. Always living wanting more. - That's the secret.

Robot Devil

Arrgh!!!

Calculon

So, what do you say, R.D.? Shall I dazzle the damned with a command performance of my one-man show?

Robot Devil

[screaming in despair] OH GOD!!!! HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH!!!!????? [points to suffering robots in fire]

Calculon

I'm the spokesman for fast acting.

Bender

You're the spokesman for fast-acting hemorrhoid cream.

Calculon

Your point?

Bender

I have none.

Calculon

It's those damned lazy writers! They can't even manage to write an hour-long episode every 15 minutes.

I died doing what I hated. [dies]

Leela

Can't you just ad lib?

Calculon

Asking an actor to ad lib is like asking a... guy... to... five.