Bender quotes from Futurama

Bender

And until then, I can never die?

Who said that? SURE you can die! [Pulls out big gun.] You want to die?!

Bender

No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don't own!

Leela

There, no rampaging for you tonight.

Bender

Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?

Leela

Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.

Fry

It'll be a rich, full day.

Fry

So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?

Farnsworth

You wish! You're in Los-Angeles!

Fry

But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns.

Leela

Exactly, you're in L.A.

Fry

But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.

Bender

That's L.A. for you.

Fry

But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever.

Bender

He just won't stop with the social commentary.

Fry

And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it.

Fry

Can I have my old job back?

Prof. Farnsworth

Why, I've forgotten why I haven't fired you.

Bender

Because he destroyed his business, his home and all his possessions!

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, that's right! Get lost! [pulls the lever and plants a floor trap on Fry]

Leela

Where are all the men in your society?

Men die out many year ago.

Bender

With all these women around, they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas? [He, Fry and Zapp laugh]

Fry

We have to go save them.

Bender

Nah, why bother?

Fry

Bender, think of the señoritas!

Bender

Vámonos!

Leela

Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and reprogram it to let them go?

Bender

Maybe you can interface with my ass...by biting it!

Bender

Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?

Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.

Bender

And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?

Fry

I'm Santa Claus!

Hermes

No, I'm Santa Claus!

Amy

We're also Santa Claus!

Dr. Zoidberg

[with a heavenly aura around him] And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Fry

Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.

Poopenmeyer

You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! [The display shows "00"] Hey! Zero! [He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets. Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them]

Bender

No! Not the magnets! [His eyes widen. singing] Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. [The witnesses applaud] Swing low, sweet...

Fry

This is horrible.

Prof. Farnsworth

But it's not boring!

Santa

Ho, ho, ho! [He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela dive behind some rubble]

Poopenmeyer

My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!

Zoidberg

I help those who help themselves.

Bender

Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me!

Santa

[laughs] I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas.

Bender

Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you?

Fry

Don't do it! He's evil!

Santa

I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?

Bender

Well ... 'tis the season!

Santa

Bender can't be Santa. He's not built to yuletide specifications.

Bender

Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.

We are free and fairly sober

Fry

Which is good because we don't intend to pay

The elves are back to work today

Leela

Then you'll all work triple shifts

It's back to work on Xmas Eve

Hooray.

Leela

And though you're cold and sore and ugly

Fry

Let my happy smile warm your hearts

There's a toy lodged in my brain

We are getting awfully tired

Bender

Why you selfish little bastards!

Now it's very nearly Xmas

Fry

These toy soldiers are poorly painted

Leela

And they're made from inferior wood

Bender

I should give you all a beating

Robot Santa

If I wasn't stuck here frozen

Now it's back into our tenements

Leela

You did the best you could I guess

HOORAY!

We're adequate!

The elves have rescued Xmas Day

Fry

Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing.

Bender

I'll get my kit!

Fry

Here lies Philip J. Fry, named for his uncle, to carry on his spirit.

Bender

Pay dirt! I've got the clover! Plus, his wedding ring. Sorry, ladies, I'm taken. Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little?

Leela

Uhh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment alone.

Bender

All right, grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.

Fry

Gosh, my old neighborhood. That's the bench where I found some shirts. That fire hydrant. In the summer, we'd light it on fire. On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter.

Bender

Was it poorly Xeroxed?

Fry

You better believe it.

Leela

The old comedians were right. This place is a lot different from L.A.

Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused.

Bender

Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you have just got me the death penalty?

Well I'da done better, but it's plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence.

Bender

Oh yeah, good luck with that.