Monica Geller quotes from Friends

Monica

Man, I would be great in a war! I really think I'd make a fantastic military leader. I mean, I know I'd make general before any of you guys.

Chandler

Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Monica

Open your eyes.

Rachel

They are.

Monica

How many fingers am I holding up?

Rachel

Four.

Monica

Oh, my God. I was thinking four.

Rachel

Really?

Monica

OK, now this is just practice. One... two... three.

Monica

My pillow's all wet.

Rachel

Well, you said it was practice.

Monica

Then why did you move your head?

Rachel

Because I knew you were lying.

Monica

Okay. You cannot tell Chandler. Okay? But I ran into Richard.

Phoebe

Which Richard?

Monica

The Richard.

Phoebe

Richard Simmons?!

Monica

No, my ex-boyfriend Richard. You know: the tall guy, mustache.

Phoebe

Okay, that actually makes more sense. How was it?

Phoebe

This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!

Monica

Phoebe, you don't eat animals.

Phoebe

For 99 cents, I'd eat you.

Monica

What are you guys gonna do?

Rachel

Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer.

Chandler

Well, I think, I think... Ross already has one.

Monica

Yeah, yeah, that guy's finally gonna be able to put in that pool.

Ross

Ha, okay...

Chandler

Now, this one's free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so you get the third one for free...

Ross

Laugh it up! ...but the joke's on you... because we don't need to get divorced... okay? We're just gonna get an annulment.

Joey

An annulment?! Ross... I don't think surgery's the answer here!

Phoebe

So, my reading was wrong - I'm not gonna die!

Monica

How do you know?

Phoebe

Because my psychic's dead! She must have read it wrong.

Rachel

Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry.

Phoebe

Hey, better her than me. Ooh! Let's bake cookies!

Monica

I wonder what age it is that you stop being able to put both legs behind your head.

Phoebe

Oh, I can still do that.

Monica

How are you still single?

Rachel

You know what else I'm not gonna miss? [mockingly] "I'm Monica. I wash the toilet seventeen times a day, even if people are on it!"

Monica

"Hi, I'm Rachel. Is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I better wash it and shrink it!"

Rachel

"I'm Monica. I don't get phone messages from interesting people, ever.

Phoebe

Hey, I call her.

Monica

"Oh my, I love Ross, I hate Ross! I love Ross, I hate Ross!

Rachel

"Oh my...! I can't find a boyfriend, so I guess I'll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"

Phoebe

Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations. [she pulls out a drawer and dumps the entire contents into the box

Monica

Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?

Joey

Of course I did.

Monica

What exactly did you ask her?

Joey

"When can you move in?"

Monica

Honey, that's a great idea nailing your boxes to the floor !

Chandler

I didn't nail my boxes to the floor.

Monica

Oh so you can move them !

Rachel

[Referring to her boss Kim] She doesn't like me very much.

Chandler

That's great. Because my boss doesn't like me either.

Monica

My boss doesn't like me either.

Ross

Maybe it's like a universal thing.

Joey

Or maybe because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.

[In chorus] Let's get off to work...

Monica

Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did.

Ross

Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.

Monica

Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.

Ross

Monica and Chandler are living together!

Monica

Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN!

Phoebe

I love Jacques Cousteau!

Rachel

I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!

Joey

I wanna gooooo!

Judy

That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you're in an important relationship is beyond me.

Jack

And we kinda figured about the porch swing.

Monica

[to Janine] You know, you're not so quiet yourself, missy!

Chandler

[to Janine] And I'm blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it! [in a bad Australian accent] "Oh, Chandler, I just lost myself in the movement!"

Phoebe

I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.

Ross

Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures!

Monica

It didn't work on Mom. It's not going to work on us.

Ross

Hey, Joey, look -- Playboy printed my joke!

Joey

[Joey reads it and makes a slight chuckle] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jokes? But... You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?

Monica

Well, I guess it makes sense, you know, having such a terrible childhood.

Chandler

I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.

Monica

Yes, but you're dead inside.