Monica Geller quotes from Friends

Monica

I'm really getting tired of always sneaking around all the time.

Chandler

Me, too. What if we went away for the weekend? No interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.

Chandler

I'll say I have a conference and you can have a... uh... chef thing.

Monica

I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey!

Chandler

Okay! You know you're not, though.

Phoebe

Can you hear anything?

Chandler

Oh, yeah, someone just said, "Can you hear anything?"

Monica

Hey, Joey's ass. What are you doing?

Joey

[About Ross and Rachel] Well, remember when they had that big fight and broke up, and we got stuck in here with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, you know? So I hid this in here.

Monica

Ooh! Candy bars, crossword puzzles...

Phoebe

Ooh, Mad Libs! MINE!

Chandler

Condoms?

Joey

Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth!

Chandler

And condoms are the way to do that?

Monica

We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!

Rachel

It was, like, this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!

Monica

And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!

Joey

Uhh, like, dark hair, bushy beard?

Rachel

Yeah!

Joey

Yeah, you fogged Danny.

Rachel

Please! We did not fog Danny!... Who's Danny?

Monica

So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.

Ross

Touched, used, sat on, slept on.

Gunther

I'll take it all.

Rachel

No, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna be screwed up for a long time. And besides, you know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.

Monica

Right, you only go for them five minutes before they get married.

Monica

I'm sorry.

Chandler

Well, sorry doesn't bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home.

Ross

Someone at work ate my sandwich!

Chandler

Well, what did the police say?

Ross

My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!

Chandler

It's just a sandwich!

Ross

Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]

Monica

I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...

Ross

That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!

Chandler

[reading the note] "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch." "'Ross Geller's lunch' who?" "Ross Geller's lunch; please don't take me, ok?"

Joey

I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch!

Phoebe

You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

Ross

Really? So what would you say? 'Keep your mitts off my grub'?

Chandler

Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?

Phoebe

[writing a note] This will keep them away from your stuff!

Monica

Phoebe, you are a bad-ass!

Phoebe

Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!

Monica

Phoebe!

Phoebe

HE STABBED ME FIRST!!

Monica

Danny, you know Rachel? She's nice. She's not bad to look at, right?

Rachel

Thanks, Mon.

Well, of course.

Monica

Do you want to go out on a date with her?

Rachel

Monica!

Absolutely! Is Friday okay?

Monica

Friday's perfect. She can't wait.

[to Monica] On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly?

Monica

What's that noise you just made?

Chandler

Oh, that? That's my work laugh.

Monica

Your work laugh?

Chandler

Yeah, and if you want to survive this party, you'll need to come up with one too.

Monica

You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?

Chandler

Well, my grandfather was Swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Phoebe

I'm going to kiss you now.

Chandler

Not if I kiss you first. [They awkwardly put their hands on each other] Well...I guess there's nothing left for us to do but... but kiss.

Phoebe

Here it comes. Our first kiss.

Chandler

Okay, okay, okay, you win! You win! I can't have sex with you!

Phoebe

And why not?

Chandler

Because I'm in love with Monica!

Phoebe

You're...you're what?

Chandler

[as Monica, Rachel and Joey enter] Love her! That's right, I love her! I love you, Monica.

Monica

I love you, too, Chandler.

Phoebe

I thought you guys were doing it. I didn't know you were in love.

Monica

Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?

Chandler

Well, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry's about fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.

Monica

[Trying to seduce Chandler] I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?

Chandler

No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out.

Monica

Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!

Chandler

Oh. So?

Monica

So we've gotta go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.

Chandler

Honey, you've got to stop this competitive thing. Just to beat some other couple you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and... I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!

Monica

[creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room] You know, Chandler, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you?

Chandler

No. And, if I did, I don't think we would be seeing each other.