Joey Tribbiani quotes from Friends

Phoebe

And I heard him say, as he flew out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Joey

Wow, you really wrote that?

Phoebe

Uh-huh.

Monica

So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?

Chandler

No, I sent everyone home.

Monica

You are such a good boss.

Chandler

Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.

Monica

Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.

Chandler

Well, yeah...

Joey

Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.

Monica

You're alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?

Chandler

Well... The second prettiest that year. If you count it now, she's probably the...

Rachel

Oh, Chandler, stop talking.

Monica

[On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?

Rachel

No, why?

Monica

Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!

Rachel

[Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!

Monica

[Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]

Monica

[To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!

Joey

Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!

Monica

No, we weren't.

Joey

Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Chandler

[Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

Joey

Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]

Monica

You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!

Joey

Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.

No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.

Joey

Hey, I gotta. Unless...

Chandler

Unless what?

Joey

Unless you name your first-born child Joey.

Chandler

What? Why?

Joey

Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.

Chandler

Your family name is Tribbiani.

Joey

[Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Rachel

Are you saying that women can't do it?

Joey

Women can do it; you can't.

Rachel

Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?

Monica

[to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.

Rachel

Well, I found the hardware store by myself!

Joey

The hardware store's just down the street.

Rachel

There's a hardware store down the street?

Rachel

Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?

Joey

Because she is!

Monica

Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.

Joey

Mm-hmm! For your boob job!

It's over, Joe!

Joey

Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

Monica

We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel

[raising her hand] I have another idea!

Monica

Sorry, idea time is over!

Phoebe

Are all of the tickets in the bowl?

Monica

Yeah.

Chandler

What about the ones on the nightstand?

Monica

There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler

Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!

Monica

[uncomfortably] No you didn't! You must be mistaken!

Chandler

There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!

Monica

Chandler, sense the tone!

Rachel

Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]

Monica

Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!

Phoebe

[gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!

Ross

I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!

Monica

You just got in five minutes ago!

Ross

Three! I don't know why that's important!

Joey

I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?

Monica

When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey

[sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!

Rachel

Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?

Monica

If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

Rachel

Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!

Chandler

[turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So screw you, the tickets are ours!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]

Monica

[jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]

Rachel

Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!

Monica

Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!

Rachel

That's it! I want my share of the tickets!

Joey

[snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!

Ross

[snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!

Phoebe

[tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!

Monica

No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!!

Joey

If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]

Chandler

Oh yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!!

Rachel

Joey, why won't you invite us to your parties?

Joey

Well you're fine, ok, but everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people.

Rachel

Well then, so just invite me.

Joey

Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.

First, I have to see the Met!

Joey

OK, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!

Charlie

No, not the Mets. The Met. Singular.

Joey

Which one? They all suck!

Ross

But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...

Charlie

What?

Joey

He said "erectus"!

Charlie

You're... you're kidding, right?

Joey

No, he really said it.

Ross

... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...

Joey

Erectus?

Rachel

Homo.

Chandler

Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?

Joey

Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.

Chandler

What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?

Joey

It's okay!

Rachel

But do you think that maybe, on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?

Joey

No, I don't have another level.

Ross

Is Emma awake yet?

Rachel

It's still nap time. She'll be up soon.

Ross

Where's Joey?

Rachel

I said, it's still nap time.

Ross

There's Uncle Joey! Say something to Emma for her 18th birthday!

Joey

[starts to turn on his charm for the camera] 18, huh?

Ross

[switches off the camera] NO!

Joey

It's for her hot friends!

Ross

When they see this you'll be 52!

Joey

And starting to think about settling down!

Rachel

Ross, don't forget to take a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge.

Ross

Sure.

Rachel

[to Monica] You're going to love this cake! I got from from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's!

Monica

That place has the creamiest frosting! I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid!

Rachel

Well, they make make these great novelty cakes in different shapes; and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing!

Monica

Did you do a picture of Emma?

Rachel

On a cake shaped like a bunny!

Ross

Does this bakery by any chance bake erotic cakes, for bachelorette parties?

Rachel

What are you talking? -OH, MY...! They put my baby's face on a penis!

Phoebe

Now it's a party!

Rachel

This is not funny! If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!

Joey

Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?

Judy

Jack, look at this!

Jack

I know what you're thinking! The resemblance is uncanny!

Ross

[angry] I am THIS close to tugging on my testicles again!!

Rachel

[on the phone] No, this is NOT what I ordered! I drove to New Jersey to get my daughter a cake for her birthday and I need a bunny cake right now!

Ross

Ask them if it would be faster to cut the baby's face off the penis and put it on the bunny. [to himself] That is a weird sentence.

Rachel

[on the phone with the bakery] Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back. I don't even want it in my home... JOEY, DON'T TOUCH IT!

Joey

I'm so confused!

Rachel

I still want my daughter's face on a cake, but a bunny cake! Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!

Chandler

To be fair, this one does have nuts.

Joey

Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.

Chandler

I don't... understand

Joey

Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?

Monica

It doesn't make any sense.

Joey

Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.

Chandler

On every word?

Joey

Yep!

Monica

What was this sentence originally?

Joey

Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."

Chandler

And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."

Joey

And hey, I really mean it, dude.

Monica

Uh, Joey, I don't think we can use this.

Joey

Why not?

Monica

Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.

Chandler

We don't feel we can host Thanksgiving this year.

Joey

What?

Ross

Are you kidding?

Chandler

Well, just with work and the stress of adoption we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.

Ross

That doesn't sound like you. That's Monica talking!

Chandler

No, no, we made this decision together.

Ross

She's putting words in your mouth!

Joey

Don't you put words in people's mouths. You put turkey in people's mouths.