Joey Tribbiani quotes from Friends

[on the phone, which Rachel left on the counter] You never think of the consequences of your decisions!

Joey

[picks up the phone] Hey! I do too think about the consequences of my decisions... Well what gives you the right to- ... Go to hell!

Joey

Stupid guy on my phone.

Monica

Just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.

Joey

What?

Monica

Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.

Joey

Phoebe!

Phoebe

Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals!

Joey

No, they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious! Besides, eating them is a tradition. It goes back to the very first Thanksgiving when the Indians sat down with the cowboys!

Rachel

Oh, right, that's when they had that big rodeo at Plymouth Rock!

Monica

It's not just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry!

Joey

She is?

Rachel

Yeah! Don't you remember? I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?

Joey

Yeah, but I thought it was just because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table!

Monica

It just doesn't seem worth it to make an entire turkey for just three people, okay? It's a lot of work!

Joey

But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving with no turkey is like 4th of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!

Monica

All right, fine, if it means that much to you! But there's gonna be a ton left over!

Joey

No, there won't! I promise, I will finish that turkey!

Monica

Okay, you're telling me that you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?

Joey

That's right! 'Cause I'm a Tribbiani, and this is what we do! We may be not great thinkers, or world leaders, we don't read a lot, or run very fast... but damn it, we can eat!

Joey

Well, that's it. I'm done. Whew! [wipes his forehead] There come the meat sweats. [Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.]

Monica

Well, Joey, we're all... we're all very proud of you.

Chandler

Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.

Phoebe

Is there anything we can do for you?

Joey

No, just nobody press on my stomach.

Rachel

You can keep those pants, by the way.

Joey

Whoa--hey--wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?

Monica

Yeah. You want some?

Joey

Ah, just cut me a little sliver.

Joey

A little bigger.

Joey

Little bigger.

Joey

What? Are you afraid you're gonna run out? Cut me a real piece!

Joey

Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross if you had to, who would you punch?

Rachel

No one, they are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.

Joey

Chandler?

Rachel

Yeah, but I don't know why.

Joey

The baby's kicking

Ross

Wh... It is?!

Joey

Do you have a bobby pin?

Chandler

Yeah. Oh, wait, I'm not a 9-year-old girl.

Joey

Then why do you throw like one?

Phoebe

Oh, hey Rach.

Rachel

Hi.

Phoebe

Hey, happy valentine's Day.

Rachel

Oh, you, too.

Joey

Hey, so ah how's it going living over at Ross's?

Rachel

It's good, except he makes us watch The Discovery Channel [slightly annoyed tone] all day long.

Rachel

Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the middle ages?

Joey

I... I think I'm falling in love with you.

Rachel

[After a moment] Who you talking to?

Phoebe

Well, if you're gonna get to know him then you'd better do it now.

Joey

Why?

Phoebe

Because I'm gonna kill him.

Joey

What? Why?

Phoebe

You guys were right, Parker's too excited about everything. I mean I'm all for living, but come on, this is the Geller's 35th wedding anniversary, let's call a spade a spade, this party stinks!

Joey

I know, I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, then when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!

Phoebe

Really? Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?

Joey

I dunno, I guess it could've been. I didn't really look at it. I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell outta there.

Joey

Who knows what I might say this time?

Chandler

If only there was something in your head to control the things you say!

Joey

Fine, all right, I'll do it. But, hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid!

Ross

Just then, or -- or all the time, 'cause... we have jobs, you know.

Joey

In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for kids.

A "mento"?

Joey

You know, a mento. A role model.

A men-to.

Joey

Right.

Like the candy?

Joey

As a matter of fact, I do.

Monica

Hey Joey, come taste this.

Joey

What is it?

Monica

Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well... [Feeds him a spoonful of what she's cooking] I'm getting my revenge!

Joey

You cooked him?

Joey

Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that's the first A I've gotten since seventh grade, and I didn't have to sleep with the teacher this time.

Monica

Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?

Joey

What the hell!

Monica

Okay.

All right, let's start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between frontstage and backstage is?

Phoebe

[Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.

Joey

[Stifles a laugh]

Phoebe

I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.

Joey

[Bursts out laughing] AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Chandler

No, no we're not together. We're not a couple- we're definitely not a couple.

Oh! Sorry.

Joey

Wow, you, uh, you seem pretty insulted by that. What, I'm not good enough for you?

Chandler

We're not gonna have this conversation again.