Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Ross

Here's to a lousy Christmas.

Rachel

And a crappy new year!

Chandler

Hear, hear!

Rachel

Oh, and -- and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.

Monica

What's a niffle?

Joey

You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

Rachel

All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist...

Ross

Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? I tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Phoebe

I just got to the part about "her public hair."

Chandler

What are you guys doing out here?

Ross

Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.

Joey

Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.

Ross

No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Joey

Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.

Chandler

Okay, you guys spend way too much time together.

Joey

[to Ross] ... and then he said, "When are you gonna start acting like my mom?" then she said "When are you

Ross

Are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna realize I am your mom?

Joey

Oh... That makes more sense.

Joey

Ross, did you really read all these baby books?

Ross

Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.

Ross

Wait, what were you doing seeing her boobies?

Chandler

Look, it was an accident! It wasn't like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts!

Ross

All right, all right. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.

Chandler

You know, I don't see that happening.

Rachel

C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.

Chandler

Well, I'm not showing you my tat.

Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.

Ross

No! Why would I... why? No. Why?

Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.

Ross

I don't think that Monica's failures...

Monica

Oh, so I'm a failure now, is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?

Ross

Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

Ross

Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

Joey

How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

Ross

Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Ross

Everything's going to be all right.

Carol

What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

Ross

I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

That's nice.

Ross

No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.

Joey

Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

Ross

Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.

Chandler

Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.

Ross

Uh-huh.

Chandler

Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.

Ross

Do you have a point?

Chandler

You know, you'd think I would.

Rachel

I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?

Ross

No, not this time. [he folds] So what'd you have?

Rachel

I'm not telling.

Ross

Come on, show them to me. [He reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up]

Rachel

No!

Ross

Show them to me!

Rachel

Get your hands out of there! No!

Ross

Let me see! Show them!

Chandler

You know, I've had dates like this.

Ross

Your money is mine, Green.

Rachel

Your fly is open, Geller!

Rachel, I can't marry Mindy anymore. I want you.

Ross

[had been looking forward to asking her out] We really need to start locking that door!