Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Joey

Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...

Phoebe

You know he's gay?

Ross

I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

Rachel

Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica

Still... it's just such reckless spending.

Ross

I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler

Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica

That was me.

Ross

I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler

I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

Chandler

Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel

No, forget it.

Chandler

Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

Rachel

All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.

Joey

All right!

Ross

Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?

Rachel

No.

Ross

You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?

Rachel

No, it was just the three of us.

Ross

Huh!

Joey

So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Phoebe

That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

Phoebe

Thanks, Ross!

Ross

I'm paying you to stop.

Ross

Carol's late. She's going into labor and still in the cab.

Rachel

Don't worry Ross. It's probably $2.00 for the first contraction and 75 cents for each additional contraction. [laughs, sees that everyone's looking at her] What? It's okay when Chandler does it?!

Chandler

You gotta pick your moments.

Ross

[To Susan] It's because of you we are stuck here.

Phoebe

Hi I am Ben. Ben to the rescue.

Ross

Dammit! This is all your fault! This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, you know. My son is being born and... I should be in there, you know. Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.

Susan

The woman I love is having a baby today, I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

Ross

No, believe me, no one has been waiting for this just as much as I have. Okay, and you know what the funny thing is? When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay? Where does that leave me?

Susan

You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. And who am I? There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day, there's no Lesbian Lover Day.

Ross

Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Ross

Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.

Monica

Oh, no, she's out having drinks with Carl.

Ross

Oh. Hey, who's Carl?

Monica

You know that guy she met at the coffeehouse?

Ross:

No.

Phoebe

Oh, well, you see, there's this guy she met at the...

Ross

At the coffeehouse, right?

Phoebe

So you do know who he is!

We've gotta get some sleep.

Ross

Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

Chandler

Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

Chandler

Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a second?

Joey

Sure.

Chandler

Your tailor...is a very bad man!

Joey

Frankie? What are you talking about?

Ross

What's up guys?

Chandler

Joey's tailor [Pauses for a moment] took advantage of me.

Ross

WHAT??

Joey

Frank? No No. I have been going to the man for like 12 years.

Chandler

He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite...

Joey

What?

Chandler

Cupping.

Joey

That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Ross

Yes yes, it is...IN PRISON!! What's the matter with you?!

Ross

This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world.

Joey

Yeah, I know, but there's a baby sucking on it.

Ross

This is my son having lunch, OK? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.

Ross

Carol?

Chandler

Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

Carol

Sure.

Joey

Uh, does it hurt?

Carol

It did at first, but not anymore.

Joey

Chandler?

Chandler

So, uh, how often can you do it?

Carol

As much as he needs.

Joey

Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

Phoebe

Okay, y'know there's a lot of things I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean that they aren't true. Like...the Bermuda Triangle. Or crop circles. Or evolution.

Ross

Whoa, whoa...you don't believe in evolution?

Phoebe

Nope, not really.

Ross

You don't believe in evolution?!

Phoebe

No, I think it's a good story... y'know, Darwin, monkeys... but I just don't buy it.

Ross

Evolution is not something for you to buy, evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

Phoebe

Oh, okay -- don't get me started on gravity.

Ross

You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?

Phoebe

Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

Chandler

Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick, Pheebs, up on the ceiling!

Phoebe

I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.

Monica

Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! AND I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

Monica

Well? Didn't you?

Phoebe

I might've...

Monica

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Phoebe

Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?

Monica

What have I not told you?

Phoebe

[smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!

Monica

WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!

Monica

You are dead meat.

Chandler

I didn't know it was a big secret.

Monica

[smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a THIRD NIPPLE!

Phoebe

You have a third nipple?

Chandler

[to Monica] You bitch.

Ross

Whip it out, whip it out!

Chandler

Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!

Rachel

Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

Joey

I can't believe you- you told me it was a nubbin!

Ross

Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?

Joey

I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.

Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see!

Chandler

JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE!

Chandler

If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.