Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Ross

Okay, awkward question, the hospital knows you took two, right?

Ross

[Enters, mortified] Hi.

Joey

This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica

Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross

I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler

Cookie?

Monica

[Explaining to others] Carol moved her stuff out today. [To Ross] Let me get you some coffee.

Ross

Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.

Phoebe

But...

Ross

No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe

Fine... be murky.

Ross

I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica

No, you don't.

Ross

No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!

Joey

And you never knew she was a lesbian?

Ross

No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?

Chandler

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

Ross

See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just-- I just-- I just want to be married again.

Chandler

And I just want a million dollars!.

Monica

Rachel?!

Rachel

Oh, Monica, hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Can I get you some coffee?

Monica

[Pointing at Rachel] De-caff. [To the gang] Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. [To Rachel] This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel

Hi, sure!

Ross

Hi.

Monica

So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel

Oh... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- [to waitress]Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. [To Monica] So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica

-who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel

Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

Rachel

[Excited] Guess what?

Ross

You got a job?

Rachel

Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.

Chandler

And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Rachel

Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off.

Chandler

Oh, how well you know me.

Ross

Cut, cut, cut...

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Rachel

[cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...

Monica

Rachel, that was a library card.

Chandler

You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Monica

[to Rachel] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.

Chandler

I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross

Yeah, and -- and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that -- that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.

Chandler

You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.

Rachel

Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey

Are we still talking about sex?

Ross

[talking about the baby's name] Wait a minute, why is Susan's name in it?

Susan

It's my baby, too.

Ross

Funny, I don't remember you making any sperm!

Ross

A thumb?

Joey

Ewwww!

Phoebe

I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.

Chandler

Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

Monica

Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey

Probably kill myself.

Monica

Excuse me?

Joey

Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.

Ross

Joey, omnipotent.

Joey

You are? I'm so sorry.

Ross

It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel

Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler

We can? All right, I'm trying that.

Joey

You know what blows my mind? Women can see breast whenever they want, you just look down and they are there! How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe

You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.

Ross

... Multiple Orgasms!

Rachel

What is that?

Ross

Überweiss! It's new, it's German, it's Extra tough

Rachel

Come on, someone go.

Monica

OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.

Ross

That's my sister.

Joey

OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.

Monica

Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?

Ross

Phoebs, what about you?

Phoebe

Oh um... Milwaukee.

Rachel

Um... Ross?

Ross

Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Phoebe

Ooh, Rachel.

Rachel

Oh come on, I already went.

Monica

You did not go.

Rachel

All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.

Ross

Step back...

Joey

We have a winner!

Ross

Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.

Susan

Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it.