Father Dougal quotes from Father Ted

Father Ted

(trying to stall Bishop Brennan after he had thrown himself into the stairs) I'm all right, Bishop. I'm fine now, thanks. Phew! (laughs uneasily)

Father Dougal

(shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?

Bishop Brennan

What did he say?!

Father Ted

Look, I'd better tell you...

Bishop Brennan

Did he call me Len again? (shouting down the stairs) You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Dougal

Sorry, Bishop Len Brennan!

Father Dougal

(finding more rabbits in a room next to Father Jack's) Ted, there's loads more in here. Look at this one. Doesn't he look like that fella Harvey Keitel?

Father Ted

Harvey Keitel? How could a rabbit look like... God Almighty! It's the spitting image of him!

Father Ted

(seeing magazine cover) There she is again. She's all over the place.

Father Ted

"Clit Power". What does that mean?

Father Dougal

Don't know.

Father Ted

I knew a Father Clint Power. Maybe she's having a go at him?

Niamh Connolly

Craggy Island. Yeah. Craggy Island's the place for me.

Niamh Connolly

I see it as being a safe haven for those who wish to escape the hypocrisy of the mainland.

Father Ted

God!

Niamh Connolly

I wish to create a world free from sexual and religious intolerance

Father Ted

No that's terrible news!

Father Ted

Right! Basically we have to stand our ground. If she's on the island I'm bound to bump into her. I'll just tell her the people of Craggy island will NOT stand for a world free of sexual and religious intolerance!

Father Dougal

(animated in his agreement) No Way! Jose!

Father Dougal

You all right there? How's your bra?

Niamh Connolly

WHAT?!

Father Dougal

Your bra! Is it comfortable? Do you have a bra?

Father Dougal

It's not too tight, is it? 'Cause you can loosen it if you want. Take it off, sure, go on.

Father Dougal

Or would you like some tea? I'll tell you what, I'll make the tea and you take your bra off. [gets up]

Father Ted

Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but- This is water.

Sister Assumpta

That's right.

Father Ted

....Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where's our real breakfast?

Father Dougal

Ted, I'd love a pop-tart.

Father Ted

Yes, Father Dougal likes his pop tarts first thing in the morning.

Sister Assumpta

I really don't think pop tarts have any place in our Lord's plan for the world.

Father Ted

I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them but I'm sure He delegates them to someone almost as important.

Father Dougal

What about....Frosties?

Father Ted

Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea but He'd be the one who'd give them the green light.

Father Dougal

Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms-

Sister Assumpta

FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE- Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment.

Father Ted

(speaking to Dougal) One day! You think we could go one day without giving in to temptation. (Ted speaks into phone) Hello? Hello? (speaks to Dougal again) God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices that Matty Hyslop made...

Father Dougal

Who?

Father Ted

Matty Hyslop. He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided to punish himself for his sins. Oh he used to do all kinds of things. Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats, so instead of avoiding them, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. He'd sniff it from time to time. His head just inflated like a balloon.

Father Dougal

Fair play to him.

Father Ted

I mean Dougal could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?

Father Dougal

(upset at himself) I know, I know Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike, you know. I used to get a great buzz just going down to the shops. But after a while it just wasn't enough! I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills! But I could handle it Ted, I could quit any time I want.

Father Ted

Well you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't!

Father Dougal

(breaks down) You're right Ted. I admit it! I have a problem!

Father Ted

Hello there. (Ted realises who it is) Ah! Sister Assumpta!

Sister Assumpta

(shakes Ted's hand) Hello Father!

Father Ted

Dougal! Do you remember Sister Assumpta?

Father Dougal

Ah no.

Father Ted

She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent back in Kildare. Do you remember it?

Father Ted

Ah you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper.

Father Ted

You must remember all that! And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah you must remember it Dougal!

Sister Assumpta

And when you were accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!

Sister Assumpta

And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

Father Ted

Do you remember? You can't remember any of that?

Father Ted

The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? You don't remember?

Father Ted

You were wearing your blue jumper.

Father Dougal

(suddenly remembers) Ahhhh! Sister Assumpta! (shakes her hand)

Father Ted

I'll leave her a note saying we've gone to a funeral or something.

Father Dougal

Or... an autopsy! Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead! That'd be more exciting!

Father Ted

He's not a very nice man, is he?

Dougal

God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.

Father Ted

Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!

Father Fintan Stack

What are we watching?

We're looking at the sports day.

Father Fintan Stack

Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!

Father Ted

Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.

Father Stack

Yes I am.

Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.

Father Stack

If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.

Father Ted

Dougal, where did you go to?

Dougal

Ted, how are ya!

Father Ted

(Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...

Dougal

Guess what, Ted?

Father Ted

What?

Dougal

(confused) What?

Father Ted

Dougal! Have you been drinking?

Dougal

I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!

Father Ted

Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.

Dougal

(shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.

Father Stack

Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.

Father Ted

Oh, well, that is the last straw.

Dougal

I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)

Father Stack

Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal

I can see up your trousers, Ted!

Father Ted

Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!

Ted, it's getting a little late.

Yes, I really think we should go.

Father Ted

No, you don't have to go.

I think we should.

Father Stack

(leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.

Father Ted

Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.

Dougal

To the pub, Ted.

Dougal

(Excitedly) Ted, Ted, would you like a peanut?

Ted

You woke me up to offer me a peanut? God, Dougal. Let's get back to sleep.

Dougal

God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.

Father Ted'

Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?

Father Jack

A pair of feckin' women's knickers!

Father Ted

Who knows...

Father Jack

Knickers!

Father Ted

Yes, Father.

Father Jack

Women's knickers!

Father Ted

Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.

Father Ted

Oh God, Dougal. We're in Lingerie!

Dougal

Where's the problem there, Ted?

Father Ted

Who's got the most boring voice?

What?

Father Ted

Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?

(extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...

Father Ted

Right, now, listen to me--

I have an awful dreary monotonous voice, God help me...

Father Ted

Yes, yes, now listen--

(loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?

No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.

In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!

Father Ted

Listen! This is what we're going to do...

Dougal

(to Father Terry) What's going on?

I think Ted has a plan.

Dougal

No, I mean in general.

Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section.

(speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...

Father Ted

(grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way!