Father Dougal quotes from Father Ted

No it's not great! That means they'll be sending over some bishops to do a ceremony. And you know what that's like - we'll have to be on our best behaviour.

Father Dougal

I thought there was something up with the Holy Stone. Wasn't someone cured there?

No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

S2 Tentacles of Doom

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(The three priests and three bishops are gathered around the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, giving the blessing liturgy)

BOBishop O'Neill

Heavenly Father, hear our prayer. We pray that this rock be upgraded to a class 2 relic. And by the grace of God, bring healing to all who pass within a radius of 2½ to 3 feet of it, at your discretion. And may all who are healed in such a way give glory to you, our Lord, through your earthly form of this class 2 relic. Amen.

EEEveryone else

Amen.

Father Dougal

Eamonn.

S2 Tentacles of Doom

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(Fathers Ted and Dougal are waiting outside for the bishops as they leave)

(Bishop O'Neill exits first. He is dressed in hippy clothes)

BOBishop O'Neill

Dougal.

(Bishop O'Neill shakes Dougal's hand)

Father Dougal

Oh. You're welcome Bishop.

BOBishop O'Neill

(correcting him). No, no. "Eddie".

Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision?

BOBishop O'Neill (Eddie)

No. Anyway it's too late. I'm off to India for two months with a few friends. Ah, there they are. (gives peace sign to Ted and Dougal)

(Hippies in a VW Kombi drive up)

See you again then.

(Bishop O'Neill (Eddie), climbs into van with hippy friends, and is immediately given a marijuana joint, which he begins to smoke)

(Bishop Facks is the next to exit, walking very gingerly and accompanied by a paramedic)

Ah, your grace. (quietly) The Holy Stone... will it still be a class 2 when they, er... (motions head towards Facks's buttocks)

(Bishop Facks does not reply and walks off into a waiting ambulance)

(Bishop Jordan is the final one to exit, in a coffin carried by two men in suits)

God Bless. (Dougal gives a wave to the coffin as it passes by)

(Fathers Ted and Dougal walk inside into the living room)

That went pretty well I thought.

S2 Tentacles of Doom

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Father Dougal

God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.

No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

Father Dougal

Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?

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(Father Dougal and Father Damien Lennon have finished playing football and are standing in front of Damien's parochial house)

FDFather Damien

(smoking) Here, you want one? (offers cigarette to Dougal)

Father Dougal

Ah no thanks Father Lennon.

(Father Damien puts cigarettes back into his pocket)

Father Dougal

What time's your tea ready?

FDFather Damien

Frosty usually has it about six.

Father Dougal

Who?

FDFather Damien

(annoyed). Frosty! Father Frost!

Father Dougal

(incredibly impressed by Damien's attitude) Oh wow! "Frosty"! Brilliant!

(Father Damien flicks cigarette from his hand out of the frame)

FDFather Damien

What do you call your fella?

Father Dougal

Who, Ted? Just Ted.

(Father Damien looks very unimpressed)

Father Dougal

But it's the way I say it, you know?

FDFather Damien

He's an awful eejit isn't he?

Father Dougal

(pauses) Yeah.

(In the background, Father Frost walks out of the parochial house)

FDFather Damien

Which one do you prefer, Oasis or Blur?

Father Dougal

Blur.

FDFather Damien

(shocked) What???

Father Dougal

Oasis! I mean Oasis!

FFFather Frost

(in the background) Father Damien, your tea is ready!

FDFather Damien

(yelling) I'LL BE IN INNA MINUTE!

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(Ted and Dougal are asleep in bed. Dougal is talking in his sleep... dreaming that he is a contestant on Countdown)

Father Dougal

Consonant please Carol.... Vowel... another consonant.

(Ted is awake)

Father Dougal

Vowel. Consonant.

(Ted turns the light on and gets up)

Father Dougal

Richard. Where you going?

Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley. Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.

(Ted leaves the room and turns the light off)

Father Dougal

Consonant. Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.

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(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)

Dougal, is there anything on your mind?

(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)

Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way?

Father Dougal

Like what Ted?

Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong?

Father Dougal

Wrong?

Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic".

(Dougal looks clueless and confused)

Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff.

(Dougal continues to look confused)

What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong".

Father Dougal

(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge) Just give me a second Ted. (stands up)

Arson. There's one. (pause) Murder. (pause) Swearing.

Father Dougal

Swearing. Yeah.

Anything else?

(Dougal is racking his brains)

Father Dougal

Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying?

(animated) Well done Dougal! Yes!

Father Dougal

Thanks Ted.

(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)

Dougal are you all right?

Father Dougal

I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down.

(Dougal sits back down)

Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there.

Father Dougal

No worries Ted.

(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)

Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing.

(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)

What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do.

Father Dougal

Right. Except you.

(shocked) What?

Father Dougal

Well you're allowed to steal.

(indignant) What are you talking about?

Father Dougal

The money. From that Lourdes thing.

(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)

(defensively) Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!

Father Dougal

It was resting for a long time Ted.

Yes, but...

Father Dougal

A good long rest.

(frustrated) Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU!

Father Dougal

Is there anything you want to tell me about?

(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)

This, for example?

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Father Dougal

You know the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place?

Yes?

Father Dougal

Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett?

What?

Oh, nothing, Father. Dougal's decided to name his new pet rabbit after you.

What?

Dougal this is far too confusing! Can you not come up with a better name?

Father Dougal

Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack now! Can we not call Jack something else?

[exasperated] Flipper! Flipper the Priest!

Yes!

Father Dougal

I think Father Jack wants a drink.

Yes!

Right, get him some water.

Water? Feck!

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(trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?

Father Dougal

(shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?

Bishop Brennan

What did he just say?!

Ah, I can explain...

Bishop Brennan

Did he call me Len again? You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

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(The opening credits of "Father Ben" begin playing)

Father Dougal

(excited) Ted! Ted! Quick! It's "Father Ben"!

(Ted comes rushing in to watch)

God, I love this!

(The show within the show begins. Father Ben is sitting on a lounge that looks exactly like the one in Father Ted)

(In the show, Father Brendan appears, with something on his head)

FBFather Brendan (on TV)

God, Ben! I'm such an eejit! I put the shorts... on me head!

(Fathers Ted and Dougal laugh)

FBFather Ben (on TV)

God almighty Brendan, you really are a big fool!

(laughing at show) This is really top notch stuff.

Father Dougal

(nodding) That Brendan's an eejit!

I know someone just like Ben... Big thicko!

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Father Dougal

Wait, I got one! You see the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place?

Yeah?

Father Dougal

Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett?

[sarcastically] Perfect! Father Jack it is!

What?

Ah, nothing, Father. Dougal names his new pet rabbit after you.

What?

Father Dougal

Are you all right, Father Jack?

What?

He’s not talking to you, Father, he’s talking to the rabbit.

What?!

Father Dougal

I think Father Jack wants a drink.

[gleeful] Drink! Drink!

Maybe we could give him water.

Water!? Feck!

Dougal, this is getting far too confusing!

Father Dougal

Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack! Can we not call Father Jack something else?

[exasperated] Great! What'll we call him?! Flipper! Flipper the Priest!

Yes!

No, Dougal. This is not going to work.

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(Ted and Dougal and wondering what to do to solve their rabbit problem)

What are we going to do?

Father Dougal

Well wait now now. There is actually something we can do Ted. If we errr now let me see now. Just wait a second there. Er Ah. I know. I know. I've got it Ted.

What?

Father Dougal

Right now, now. The way I see it is, if we errr, now wait a second. Errm. What's the problem again?

THE RABBITS!