Father Dougal quotes from Father Ted

Father Ted

Maybe he's agoraphobic.

Father Dougal

Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.

Father Ted

Dougal, look.

Father Ted

I am Chinese, if you please!

Father Ted

Come on, Dougal, lighten up! [Chuckles]

Father Ted

[pointing at the window] Dougal, there were Chinese people there!

Father Dougal

All right, yeah.

Father Ted

I mean, what... what...

Father Dougal

That's the Yin family. They're living over there in that old Chinatown area.

Father Ted

Chinatown area?! There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?! Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was gonna be a Chinaman there to see me doing a Chinaman impression!

Father Dougal

Why not, Ted?

Father Ted

Because... Because it's racist! They'll think I'm a racist! I'm gonna have to catch up with them and explain I'm not a racist!

Father Ted

And basically, if I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get this thing called "fat eyes." [the car drives around Ted and speeds away] I hope you don't think it was of a racist nature! Thanks now, see you, bye!

Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap. But the free drink, very much appreciated! Thank you Father Crilly!

Father Ted

Yes well, I just wanted to clear things up; I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... More drink!

Hooray!

Father Ted

To China!

Hooray!

To Craggy Island!

Hooray!

Father Ted

More drink!

Hooray!

I'm sorry, the bar's closed.

Hooray!

Father Ted

Tell you what, how about everybody goes back to my place for a drink?

Hooray!

Father Dougal

Wait, I need to go to the toilet first!

Hooray!

Father Ted

"God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep..."

Father Dougal

"I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now."

Father Ted

"Why?"

Father Dougal

"Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"

Father Ted

"DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist!"

Father Dougal

"Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist."

Father Ted

"The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist!"

Father Dougal

I think people will soon give up listening to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead.

Father Ted

You know, from what I hear the charts today, I'm not sure if that's happening already!

Father Dougal

(confused) What?

Ted

There were a lot of sloppy efforts in the best baby competition this year. A lot of very hairy babies.

Dougal

Well, Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before the show...

Dougal

(referring to the baby competition) I thought the standard this year was rubbish.

Ted

It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn't be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade.

Dougal

Exactly Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean...

Father Ted

You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.

Father Dougal

Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.

Father Ted

Should I?

Father Dougal

Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.

Father Ted

Okay, I'm going to do it. Will I?

Father Dougal

Yeah, go on!

Father Ted

Okay, hold the camera.

Father Ted

(yells loudly) I don't believe it!

Richard Wilson

I'll bloody well kill you!

Father Dougal

Well? What did he say? Did he laugh?

Father Ted

No. No, no, no. Not really. I'm going to sit down now.

Now, this rock here is actually granite.

Father Ted

How long would that have been there?

Oh, many, many millions of years.

Father Ted

Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.

Father Dougal

How come all the rocks are different sizes?

Well... you know, rocks are generally different sizes.

Father Dougal

Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.

Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater.

Father Dougal

How did everyone breathe?

Father Ted

They'd have had some sort of apparatus.

Father Dougal

Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there!

This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago.

Father Ted

Really? Wow, I don't believe it.

Richard Wilson

You again! [attacks Ted] Get out of it, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD!

Father Dougal

Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?

Father Ted

No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.

Father Dougal

Got the forfeit, Ted!

Father Ted

Oh God...

Father Dougal

Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.

Father Ted

All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!

Father Dougal

Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...

Father Ted

What is it!? Break it to me gently!

Father Dougal

All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...

Father Ted

What?

Father Dougal

You have to...

Father Ted

What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!

Father Ted

Dougal, I don't want you to be physio this year. I want you to... look after the corner flags.

Father Dougal

Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do.

Bishop Brennan

Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!

Dougal

Oh right. (pause) Well done.

Father Ted

Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?

Dougal

Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.

Bishop Brennan

Alright, Crilly, I’ll make this short. Show me the likeness and I'll be off. I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the pope.

Dougal

I love those programmes. Have you seen the one with Elton John?

Bishop Brennan

SHUT UP!