Father Dougal quotes from Father Ted

Father Dougal

Ted do you believe in the afterlife?

Father Ted

Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.

Father Dougal

Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!

Father Ted

Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?

That's wonderful. I'll just go and freshen up.

Father Ted

Ah no she's probably just going to the toilet.

Father Dougal

Ah, nuns are great though Ted. It's good because you don't feel as nervous with them as you do with real women do you?

Father Ted

Ah you're right there.

Father Dougal

Even though I only got the courage to talk to her a few minutes ago, it's nice to have a nun around. It gives the place a bit of glamour!

Father Ted

"A woman's touch" (nods head)

Father Dougal

I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Ted

[astounded] I'm sorry!?

Father Dougal

I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Ted

Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal!?

Father Dougal

I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!

Father Dougal

Will I put on the kettle?

Father Ted

Go on then.

Father Dougal

...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.

Father Ted

Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?

Father Dougal

...no.

Father Dougal

Kettle's boiled there Ted.

Father Ted

Mmm.

Father Dougal

Will I put more water in and turn it on again?

Father Ted

No... I liked it best the first time.

Father Dougal

Do you want to walk over to that fence?

Father Ted

Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement

Father Dougal

Will I put on the kettle?

Father Ted

Go on then.

Father Dougal

...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.

Father Ted

Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?

Father Dougal

...no.

Father Dougal

Kettle's boiled there Ted.

Father Ted

Mmm.

Father Dougal

Will I put more water in and turn it on again?

Father Ted

No... I liked it best the first time.

Father Dougal

Maybe we could turn it on with no water at all, see what happens.

Father Ted

I don't think you should do that. It would just blow up. You'd be picking lumps of metal out of your face for a year. You'd have puffy fish lips bigger than your face.

Father Dougal

Like Father Bigley.

Father Ted

Exactly like Father Bigley.

Father Dougal

Maybe that's what happened to him!

Father Ted

God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?

Father Dougal

Hmmm....

Ted

Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)

Dougal

Aha!

Ted

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Dougal

I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....

Ted

What?

Dougal

I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?

Ted

(mystified) What are you talking about?

Dougal

Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...

Ted

You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?

Dougal

I did, yeah!

Ted

Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.

Father Ted

Bingo!

Father Dougal

No luck then, Ted?

Look, I'll have the money for you next week. Please, just one more chance that's all I ask, please. For Gods sake have some pity. I'm a priest!

Oh they have you everywhere you know. I was in the AA there for a while, but the insurance was very expensive.

Father Dougal

Oh right (getting bored)

I had to crash the car to get the money back and they had witnesses who said they'd seen me steer it towards the wall you know. There was talk of me going to jail for a while!! (Dougal gets up and walks off, he turns to the holy father) Ah its yourself!! (carries on rambling on to Him)

Father Ted

Bloody hell!

Father Dougal

Good news Ted?

Father Dougal

(on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?

Father Ted

No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

Father Dougal

But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!

Father Ted

Dougal! They're bishops!

Father Dougal

(looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...

Father Ted

(points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.

Father Dougal

Bishops love sci-fi!

Father Ted

[apoplectic] Dougal, we are not watching Aliens!!!

Father Ted

Anyway, back to religion.