Fargo quotes

Lorne Malvo

Mister, we're not friends. I mean, maybe we will be someday. But I gotta say, if that were me in your position? I would have killed that man.

Lester Nygaard

Well, now... Come on.

Lorne Malvo

You said he bullied you in high school, right?

Lester Nygaard

Four years. Gave me an ulcer. You know what, one time, he put me in an oil barrel and rolled me in the road.

Lorne Malvo

Seriously? And now he tells you that he had relations with your wife. He bullies you again in front of his children. This is a man who doesn't deserve to draw breath.

Lester Nygaard

Yeah, okay, but, uh - Here's the thing -

Lorne Malvo

No. That is the thing.

Lester Nygaard

Well, heck! I mean, oh, okay.

Lorne Malvo

Okay.

Lester Nygaard

But... What am I supposed to do? Heck, you're so sure about it, maybe you should just kill him for me.

You'll make a good chief one day.

Molly Solverson

Me? What about Bill? He's got seniority.

Bill cleans his gun with bubble bath. No, it'll be you.

Lorne Malvo

Your problem is you spent your whole life thinking there are rules. There aren't. We used to be gorillas. All we had is what we could take and defend. The truth is, you're more of a man today than you were yesterday.

Lester Nygaard

How do you figure?

Lorne Malvo

It's a red tide, Lester, this life of ours. The shit they make us eat day after day, the boss, the wife, et cetera, wearing us down. If you don't stand up to it, let 'em know you're still an ape deep down where it counts, you're just gonna get washed away.

Lorne Malvo

Evening, Officer.

Gus Grimly

Evening. License and registration, please.

Lorne Malvo

We could do it that way. You ask me for my papers. I tell you it's not my car, that I borrowed it. See where things go from there. We could do that. Or you could go get in your car and drive away.

Gus Grimly

Now, why would I do that?

Lorne Malvo

Because some roads you shouldn't go down. Because maps used to say, "there be dragons here." Now they don't. But that don't mean the dragons aren't there.

Greta Grimly

[over the radio] Dad. Come in, Dad. Over.

Gus Grimly

[to Malvo] You step out of the car, please, sir.

Lorne Malvo

How old's your kid?

Gus Grimly

I said step out of the car.

Greta Grimly

Dad, come in. Dad, over.

Lorne Malvo

Let me tell you what's gonna happen, Officer Grimly. I'm going to roll my window up, then I'm going to drive away, and you're gonna go home to your daughter, and every few years, you're gonna look at her face and know that you're alive because you chose not to go down a certain road on a certain night. That you chose to walk into the light instead of into the darkness.

Lou Solverson

So I got two kinds of sandwiches, tuna and turkey. Tuna's for the fish. Unless you think they'd think that's cannibalism.

Well, I'll need to see some ID.

Lorne Malvo

No.

What?

Lorne Malvo

You heard me.

Well, uh--uh, I can't give you your mail, if you don't show ID.

Lorne Malvo

Sure you can. All you gotta do is look through those packages over there, find the one addressed to Duluth, and then hand it to me.

Look, son--we're in Duluth, so technically all the mail is addressed to Duluth.

Lorne Malvo

Am I gonna need to come back there and find it myself?

...sir?

...o-okay.

This is highly irregular.

Lorne Malvo

No, highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster oven. This is just odd.

Stavros Milos

You're looking at the Supermarket King Of Minnesota, la mercado rey. And it all started right here in this office. Next quarter, we're expanding into Wisconsin and the Dakotas. By this time next year, rule the whole goddamn midwest. You see my mangos? Straight from Ecuador, kiwis too. That's what makes my stores so goddamn superior. I got mangos in goddamn January. And the back of a 90-year-old woman.

Lorne Malvo

This is kind of embarrassing, but, uh, would you sign a copy of my book?

Stavros Milos

I'd be delighted. You--you want something personal?

Lorne Malvo

Yeah, could you put "To Frank Peterson, thanks for nailing my blackmailer".

Gus Grimly

Well, you know, sometimes there's more than one right thing.

Greta Grimly

What does that mean?

Gus Grimly

It means I got you, and I am responsible for you, and sometimes I might be in a situation where-- and this hasn't happened, and it won't-- but a situation where if I try to stop a guy from doing a bad thing, I could get hurt. Or worse. And then who would take care of you?

Greta Grimly

But it's your job.

Gus Grimly

Well, I got two jobs, and the first, the most important, is being your dad.

Greta Grimly

Well, if I saw somebody doing something, I would stop 'em.

Lou Solverson

Not sure if you remember, but when you were five, they had to put you under anesthesia to fix your teeth. Gave you that mask.

Molly Solverson

Hmm. Gas that smelled like tutti frutti.

Lou Solverson

Yeah. My soft little girl in a hard world of drills and needles.

Molly Solverson

I'm 31, Dad. I carry a gun.

Lou Solverson

I know. But it's relative, you know? There's the kind of things a schoolteacher gets exposed to--truancy and the like-- and then there's the stuff a cop sees-- murder and violence and general scofflawery. And then there's the kind of deal you're looking at now.

Molly Solverson

Which is?

Lou Solverson

Which is, if I'm right...savagery, pure and simple. Slaughter, hatred. Devils with dead eyes and shark smiles. And one day, you're gonna get married and have kids, and when you look at them, their faces, you need to see what's good in the world, 'cause if you don't, how you gonna live?

Molly Solverson

You talk a lot, you know that?

Lou Solverson

It's always been a problem.

Now here I am, stuck in the Yukon with my two mongoloid sons.

Lester Nygaard

Oh, they're not so bad.

I've taken shits I want to live with more than them.

A Zombie kit... shotgun, machete, some Bactine. It's a side business. I make up these knapsacks for the Zombie Apocalypse. You know... in case the dead come back to life and world gets all "dog-eat-dog."

Lorne Malvo

It's already "dog-eat-dog," friend. Not sure what worse a bunch of zombies could do.

Stavros Milos

A million dollars? He killed my damn dog and now he wants a million dollars? "Eat a turd" is my response.

Stavros Milos

Saint Lawrence. Patron saint of hard asses. Burned alive by the Romans. You know what he said? "Turn me over. I'm done on this side." That's a goddamn saint.

Molly Solverson

Hey, you ever heard of a spider layin' eggs in a person's neck?

Greta Grimly

What's that now?

Molly Solverson

Friend of mine said it happened to a friend of hers.

Greta Grimly

Gross.

Molly Solverson

Yeah. Said they were He was sleepin', and all these baby spiders just ran right out. Not sure I want to live in a world where something like that can happen to a person.