Lorne Malvo quotes from Fargo

Lorne Malvo

[pointing at two different phones on Rundle's desk] This one calls an ambulance, that one calls the hearse. I'm going to ask you again, and depending on the answer, I pick up this [points at the first phone], or that [points at the second phone]. Who do I talk to in Fargo?

Lorne Malvo

[to Mr. Wrench] I watched a bear once. His leg was in a steel trap. It chewed through bloody bone to get free. It was in Alaska. Died about an hour later facedown in a stream. But it was on his own terms, you know? You got close. Closer than anybody else. I don't know if it was you or your partner, but look. If you still feel raw about things when you heal up, come see me.

Lorne Malvo

[after shooting three people] This one's on you. I worked this guy for six months, Lester. Six months. Can you imagine the number of sewer mouths I put my hands in? The gallons of human spit? Plus the hundred thousand ballot down the toilet, but still, the look on his face when I pulled the gun? Classic, huh?

Lorne Malvo

Mister, we're not friends. I mean, maybe we will be someday. But I gotta say, if that were me in your position? I would have killed that man.

Lester Nygaard

Well, now... Come on.

Lorne Malvo

You said he bullied you in high school, right?

Lester Nygaard

Four years. Gave me an ulcer. You know what, one time, he put me in an oil barrel and rolled me in the road.

Lorne Malvo

Seriously? And now he tells you that he had relations with your wife. He bullies you again in front of his children. This is a man who doesn't deserve to draw breath.

Lester Nygaard

Yeah, okay, but, uh - Here's the thing -

Lorne Malvo

No. That is the thing.

Lester Nygaard

Well, heck! I mean, oh, okay.

Lorne Malvo

Okay.

Lester Nygaard

But... What am I supposed to do? Heck, you're so sure about it, maybe you should just kill him for me.

Lorne Malvo

Your problem is you spent your whole life thinking there are rules. There aren't. We used to be gorillas. All we had is what we could take and defend. The truth is, you're more of a man today than you were yesterday.

Lester Nygaard

How do you figure?

Lorne Malvo

It's a red tide, Lester, this life of ours. The shit they make us eat day after day, the boss, the wife, et cetera, wearing us down. If you don't stand up to it, let 'em know you're still an ape deep down where it counts, you're just gonna get washed away.

Lorne Malvo

Evening, Officer.

Gus Grimly

Evening. License and registration, please.

Lorne Malvo

We could do it that way. You ask me for my papers. I tell you it's not my car, that I borrowed it. See where things go from there. We could do that. Or you could go get in your car and drive away.

Gus Grimly

Now, why would I do that?

Lorne Malvo

Because some roads you shouldn't go down. Because maps used to say, "there be dragons here." Now they don't. But that don't mean the dragons aren't there.

Greta Grimly

[over the radio] Dad. Come in, Dad. Over.

Gus Grimly

[to Malvo] You step out of the car, please, sir.

Lorne Malvo

How old's your kid?

Gus Grimly

I said step out of the car.

Greta Grimly

Dad, come in. Dad, over.

Lorne Malvo

Let me tell you what's gonna happen, Officer Grimly. I'm going to roll my window up, then I'm going to drive away, and you're gonna go home to your daughter, and every few years, you're gonna look at her face and know that you're alive because you chose not to go down a certain road on a certain night. That you chose to walk into the light instead of into the darkness.

Well, I'll need to see some ID.

Lorne Malvo

No.

What?

Lorne Malvo

You heard me.

Well, uh--uh, I can't give you your mail, if you don't show ID.

Lorne Malvo

Sure you can. All you gotta do is look through those packages over there, find the one addressed to Duluth, and then hand it to me.

Look, son--we're in Duluth, so technically all the mail is addressed to Duluth.

Lorne Malvo

Am I gonna need to come back there and find it myself?

...sir?

...o-okay.

This is highly irregular.

Lorne Malvo

No, highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster oven. This is just odd.

Lorne Malvo

This is kind of embarrassing, but, uh, would you sign a copy of my book?

Stavros Milos

I'd be delighted. You--you want something personal?

Lorne Malvo

Yeah, could you put "To Frank Peterson, thanks for nailing my blackmailer".

A Zombie kit... shotgun, machete, some Bactine. It's a side business. I make up these knapsacks for the Zombie Apocalypse. You know... in case the dead come back to life and world gets all "dog-eat-dog."

Lorne Malvo

It's already "dog-eat-dog," friend. Not sure what worse a bunch of zombies could do.

Gus Grimly

How do you do that, just lie like that?

Lorne Malvo

Did you know the human eye can see more shades of green than any other color?

Gus Grimly

What?

Lorne Malvo

I said, "Did you know that the human eye can see more shades of green than any other color?" My question for you is, why?

Gus Grimly

No, no, no, just h-hold on.

Lorne Malvo

When you figure out the answer to my question, then you'll have the answer to yours.

Lorne Malvo

It was the Romans, wasn't it?

Stavros Milos

What are you saying?

Lorne Malvo

St. Lawrence, your window, Romans burned him alive.

Stavros Milos

They did.

Lorne Malvo

You know why?

Stavros Milos

Cause he was Christian.

Lorne Malvo

Maybe. But I think it was because the Romans were raised by wolves. The greatest empire in human history, founded by wolves. You know what wolves do. They hunt. They kill. It's why I never bought into the jungle book. Boy is raised by wolves and becomes friends with a bear and panther. I don't think so. I knew a guy once, had a hundred and ten pound Rottweiler, and one night this girl thought it would be funny to get down on all fours and let the dog hump her. Dog still had its balls. Well the dog gets up there, but he's not in on the joke. This is just a bitch in heat as far as he's concerned. He's not leaving til he gets what he came for. Well the girl, too late, realizes the kind of mistake she's made. She wants to get up. But the dog had other ideas. Had to shoot it behind the ear to get it off of her.

Stavros Milos

I don't uh... I don't...

Lorne Malvo

Well, I'm saying that the Romans raised by wolves, they see a guy turning water into wine, what do they do? They eat him. 'Cause there are no saints in the animal kingdom. Only breakfast and dinner.

This is a community. People watch each other's backs. Someone gets sick, someone dies, you bring a casserole, help.

Lorne Malvo

Maybe I'm here to help.

No, you have black eyes. You're trouble. I'm going inside, and I'm calling the cops.

Lorne Malvo

Which building? The one with the Jew bus outside?

There it is. Now the truth comes out.

Lorne Malvo

You know, some people think you don't need alarms on second-story windows. Think they can save a few bucks, you know, and still be safe. Another way they save money is they don't hook up the alarm to the phone line. So the bell rings, but the cops don't come. Or they come, but only after the neighbors call. Which, um, if this community's tight, as you say, you know just might be quick enough to save your life. Or your children's lives.

Lorne Malvo

[gesturing at a map of the United States on Rundle's office wall] So I noticed you got a pin on your map in every state but Georgia. What the hell do you got against Georgia?

My first wife. She was Korean. She used to spit at me when we had sex.

Can I sit? Or did you want to kill me standing?

Lorne Malvo

Two hombres took a run at me in Duluth.

Mexicans?

Lorne Malvo

That's the wrong part of the sentence to be focusing on. The point is, they said Fargo sent them. So, I have two questions. First: did you tell these boys where to find me? Second: who do I see about this in Fargo?

But you gotta understand: this is a business of relationships. I can't just--

Lorne Malvo

[interrupting] Relationships.

Right. And, well, it's not my position, professionally, to get involved in squabbles. Especially not of a private nature.

Lorne Malvo

How do you know it's private?

If people are unhappy with our services, they call. A guy screws up, arrangements are made. A cash settlement; if that's not enough, break a leg, or an arm. No calls. Not about you. So whatever it is...it's gotta be personal.

Lorne Malvo

Doesn't matter. It's the principle.