Sy Feltz quotes from Fargo

Sy Feltz

We're in trouble here. Enemies are at the gates - inside the gates! Fornicating with our cookware!

Sy Feltz

It's, see your firm, Narwhal, like I said last year, we borrowed a hefty sum. And I know you're not bona fide FDIC, but I mean, unless you boys do business differently in... Where you from?

America.

Sy Feltz

What the goddamn hell--!

[holding up a framed photo of Sy's wife] You have a fat wife.

Sy Feltz

Excuse me?

Which part of what I just said is giving you trouble?

Sy Feltz

This is my office!

A fat woman is inherently untrustworthy as she is a sensualist; she sees no real difference between a pastrami sandwich and a dick in the mouth.

Sy Feltz

What are you doing?

Do you know what a chicken is?

Sy Feltz

What?

A chicken. Do you know what a chicken is? A chicken is an egg's way of making another egg.

You see, it's all a matter of perspective. The chicken sees it one way, the egg another. So let's start again: this is not your office, just as your wife would not be your wife if I came to her in the night with a platter of cold cuts.

[patting Sy on the back and leading him to a chair] Oh, sit down, my friend. You have shock. All is well.

Sy Feltz

I'm not--I just--I need a minute to--

No problem, no problem.

Have a drink, you'll feel better.

Sy Feltz

[shocked] Are you out of your mind?!

Nice drink. Refreshing.

Sy Feltz

...are you threatening me?

No, no no no. The whole thing.

Sy Feltz

You're talking about doubling the size of the company in six months!

Three months.

Sy Feltz

It's a lot of debt! Just to line our pockets? Shouldn't we... I'm just sayin'... the more cautious approach. Why not?

Because the shallow end of the pool is where the turds float. Emmit?

No one ever got anywhere stayin' home, Sy.

Sy Feltz

And what does that mean?

It means we're either doin' this, or we're not doin' this. Whether you step off the board with one foot or two, you still end up in the water.

Sy Feltz

Okay. But what about the IRS? You said yourself, he's sittin' in a conference room, right now, goin' over the books!

Some books. Not the books.

Sy Feltz

What the heck does that mean?

Let's just say, for testimonial purposes, it's better that you don't know.

Sy Feltz

You think the IRS won't - this is what they do! Tax cheats!

Middle managers and movie stars. People who park their money in a Denver Wells Fargo under their mother-in-law's maiden name. But I assure you, the IRS could not unravel an intricate web of shell companies and loan-outs with secret accounts in Monaco, Luxembourg, and the Cook Islands if you gave them the account numbers.

Sy Feltz

What?

I'm beginning to think that finance is more of a hobby with you.

Sy said your husband died.

Sy Feltz

That's not—we don't need to...

It's fine. My Walt. It'll be a year in May since he passed. Did you lose someone?

Stella. 25 years. She left last week. Sex tape. Not a real one, of course—I mean, it was a real sex tape, but not my, y'know... forgery. To the end of securing a payout. Which, y'know, that's the price of it, I guess, being rich.

I don't know...

Enemies, I'm sayin'. Not at first. First come the well-wishers with their fake smiles. Then, the richer you get, here come the deadbeats with their hands out.

Sy Feltz

You know, it's getting pretty late...

The jackals laughing in the dark, trying to pick the meat off your bones.

Sy Feltz

Check, please!

Money is a blessing and a curse.

No, don't blame money! It's people. Sore losers. Making up stories about how we're villains. The dreamers, the hard workers. In the office before dawn. Toiling, saving... Ebenezer Scrooge and the like. Have you heard of the vile maxim?

No...

"All for ourselves and nothing for other people is the vile maxim of the masters of mankind." You think a rich man wrote that?