DSDiane Simmons
Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois. But look on the bright side, you'll be a story on the 6 o'clock news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny.
Diane, please, please don’t do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God!
DSDiane Simmons
That's right, you won't. Goodbye, Lois.
[Diane is then sniped from behind and she falls off a cliff to her death, screaming.]
Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you.
[As Lois walks away, Stewie is revealed to be the shooter.]
StewieIf anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.
[Stewie and Brian are at Floyd Wetherton's house to trick or treat]
Stewie
[rings the doorbell] Trick or treat!
[Floyd opens the door]
Well, the thing about Halloween is that t-the candy corn is not p-particularly unusually cause of the determinant factor of timeless tradition in is in contrast to the Turkey Day. [sets down a lamp] Gesundheit. [closes the door]
Stewie
Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.
[cut to the main office of Penguin Publishing; a writer talks to a penguin]
PPenguin
You wanna get a book published, don't you?
PPenguin
Well, if you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.
[he smiles, and both he and the writer stare at the camera and each other]
[Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece Abby in line to see the mall's Santa]
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?
[not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.
Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! Are you excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.
[her eyes fill with tears]
That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.
Stewie
Uh-oh.
Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?
Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?
Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.
Who said anything about dying?
AAbby
Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
[holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, angrily grinding his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get out of here.
[Brian and Stewie do so]
Stewie
Should've gone into politics, Bri.
Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's a Christmas this year.
SSanta
Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon.
EElf
Uh, ye... He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving.
All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready.
Stewie
Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing?
Hey, who the hell are you?
What are you doing in my house?
Stewie
We're Santa Claus... es.
Yeah, you're Santa Claus, that's why you broke in through the window, I'm calling the cops!
No, no no no, I-I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually-, it's kind of a funny story. [Stewie beats Dan with a baseball bat knocking him unconscious] What the hell did you do?!
Stewie
He was gonna call the cops, man. You can't call the cops on Santa.
[after an exasperated Chris blows up in front of Peter and Lois]
I think we should go live with Mom...
Stewie
I just heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating.
[After Peter finishes the story, the power comes back on]
The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.
Uh, Dad, one question: What do you got against Seth Green?
I j… I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that?
Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me? I think Seth MacFarlane's a douche.
Yeah, I don't like him either.
Stewie
Well, wait a second, I hear he's a pretty nice guy.
Yeah, good looking guy. Talented, young…
Talented?! He ripped off The Simpsons!
Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it!
And he only puts out like ten new episodes a year.
And then he splits those up into five DVD sets.
He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.
But he still takes the money every week, how noble.
And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?
Well, I wouldn’t know about that, but I… I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.
[The Griffins stay silent for a moment before the credits roll]
[Brian is questioning Stewie about the damaged car]
Look at this! Do you know anything about this?!
Stewie
A- about what? About what a beautiful day - Oh my God, that is surprising! Oh, I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened?
Gee, I don't know! Do YOU know what happened?
Stewie
[chuckles] I'm sorry, what- what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night.
Stewie
Umm, you remember what you said about Lois', um, potatoes "au rotten"?
Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time, but... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!
[Pilot Stewie finds present day Stewie hiding under his crib]
Stewie
Oh… hey!
PSPilot Stewie
Who the deuce are you?!
Stewie
Uh, well, I'm, uh… I'm you.
PSPilot Stewie
You look like me, but that's utterly impossible!
Stewie
I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time.
PSPilot Stewie
That’s absurd!
Stewie
Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future! I know about the Eddie Bauer catalogue.
PSPilot Stewie
[gasps] It IS you!
Stewie
[to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?
Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?
Stewie
Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook!
[cut to an office with the Cookie Man and a man behind a desk]
[Lois, Donna and Bonnie lie on the couch, intoxicated.]
[drunk] He-he-ey-hey! I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny! [whispers to Bonnie and Donna] Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. [Bonnie leaves] Brian! Brian, come out here! [Brian enters the living room, reading a book]
[giggles] What...what...whatta you reading?
Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. Y'know, I'll admit, it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying -
[The wives jump on top of a struggling Brian.]
What? Hey-hey?! What are you doing?! Hey!
Push him down onto all fours!
No! What are you do-?! I don't wanna do this!
If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!
[The wives release Brian; he is dressed as a bee and trying to get the costume off.]
DDonna
Calm down! Calm down!
[She whacks Brian on the head with the book. He runs into the stereo and the three women break down laughing hysterically.]
Stewie
[walks in carrying a pistol] Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
So, where is the birthday girl?
Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's - I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here! There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]
Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.
Peter, that skank is your daughter.
Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.
Stewie
Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!
[Chris is dating a girl who looks just like Lois]
Stewie
Are they not seein' this?
I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.
Stewie
Yeah – looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.
Stewie
Just did.
[everyone cheers as Chris and Yamamoto furiously eat their hot dogs]
Chris, you're four hot dogs behind! Come on!
Ohh... I can't eat anymore!
Remember what I told you...
[a dream cloud comes as Chris remembers his father's words]
I get this weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get it checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me.
He's right. I can do it! [he starts eating up all the hot dogs, then Yamamoto does the same]
[the buzzer beeps]
AAnnouncer
We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated!
[the crowd cheers as Yamamoto sadly leaves]
[picks up Chris] Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies!
[there are four fat models]
Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.
Stewie
What's going on here?
Family Guy · 775 quotes
