Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Stewie

Hey fat ass! [Yamamoto looks on Stewie] I got news for you, the news of the world! [zooms in on the album and Yamamoto gets scared]

Agh! Why does robot hold dead people? Is that future or past?

Lois

Hey, kid. Cm'ere. I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth.

Stewie

Why don't you go and hump a pile of garbage?

Lois

Stewie, Rise and Shine, Good morning, Stewie.

Stewie

Fuck you.

Stewie

Somehow, my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.

Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that mean? I don't get it.

Okay, now I get it.

Stewie

What the devil is that?

It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble.

Stewie

My God. Why is there so much vomit everywhere?

[points at a bottle] Is that the ipecac bottle? [suddenly realizes] Oh, no! No, please, not this!

Stewie

Oh, God! It's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going - [throws up]

Oh, dear God! [throws up; Peter's vomit covers his eyes] Aah! WHAT THE HELL?!

Stewie

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! [regurgitates]

Chris

Dad, I'm scared! [vomits and cries]

Stewie

Oh God, this is so disgusting! I think I'm gonna puke! [regurgitates] FUCK!

Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We've GOT to fix this! We just ate so much vomit!

Stewie

Brian, it gets worse. Look.

Yeah, Bonnie is pregnant with Susie. So what?

Stewie

That means Susie has been "unborn".

Oh, my God! Stewie, you aren't that much older than Susie.

Stewie

Brian, if we don't push time forward again soon, then I too will become unborn.

Peter

Oh my god, everyone, strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand!

Stewie

No, thank you. I prefer to die giving you the finger. [Stewie does so]

Peter

If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

We've had this conversation. Do yourself a favor and move on.

Stewie

Oh, that's interesting, Brian, because l found this [takes out his trashed play] buried in the backyard next to your soup bone!

(gasps) Stewie, l...

Stewie

You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like l knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".

Peter

I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.

Lois

No, Peter.

Peter

"Little" means mouse?

Lois

No, Peter.

Peter

I feel so old and in the way.

It's still a good play!

Stewie

It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld.

(panicking) I never saw that episode!

Stewie

I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!

(distraught) SHUT UP!

Stewie

May every person who laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity, and pierce your heart like a knife.

(angry) Get in here, you bastard! [chases the squirrel after he has it pinned on the grass] You stink and your play stinks!

This ain't about me, is it?

[breaks down crying] No... and l'm sorry.

Chris

Mom, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

Stewie

No, but I'm ready for therapy.

Peter

There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam.

Quagmire

But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there.

Peter

Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?

Quagmire

My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Stewie

Oh, yeah.

Lois

[to Peter] I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

Stewie

Is that my ass?

Meg

You guys. I think this is a meth lab.

Lois

Oh my god. Do you mean like as in D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L?

Stewie

What's going on? What are you guys talking about?

Lois

Uh-oh, someone's getting cranky. [picks up Stewie] I think he needs an N-A-P.

Stewie

What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

Peter

Kids, I've got an announcement...

Stewie

[sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor] He's wearing a rubber.

Peter

We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now.

What?!

Meg

Are you kidding?

Stewie

Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.

Chris

What are you... [starts to choke and struggle]

Stewie

[in an Italian-accented whisper] You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart.

Stewie

[sees a car speeding straight for Brian] Brian, look out! [the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net in the process] Aah, Brian! [runs to him]

Lois

[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt] Oh, my God! [runs to him] Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!

Peter

Holy crap! What the hell happened?!

[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits] That guy sucked! [runs away, cuts to Quahog Vet]

Meg

Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?

Lois

I don’t know, Meg. But this is the best veterinary in Quahog. Brian’s getting the fine care there is.

Stewie

You have to share an ambulance with a chicken.

Peter

[to Chicken] Hey, Um, aren't you supposed to be running around?

[to Peter] Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.

Lois

Doctor, how is Brian? Is he gonna be okay?

[sadly] I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him. I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your good-byes. [The Griffin family are shocked in horror to the Veterinarian, they walk to Brian’s deathbed]

Lois

[tearfully] Oh, my God! Brian, no!

Peter

[tearfully] I can't believe it. Y-You're really...

Stewie

[tearfully] Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together. We were gonna become windsurfers. I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! [Brian wakes up; groans softly]

Lois

You guys, I think, I think Brian's trying to say something!

You... you've given me a wonderful life. I love you all. [smiles before finally passing away, to the family's horror. The veterinarian checks his heartbeat. Nothing.]

[sadly] I'm sorry. He's gone.

Chris

[tearfully] Oh, my god... He's...

Lois

[tearfully] Yes, Chris. I'm afraid... I'm afraid our Brian is dead!

Damn it, Stewie! What the hell did you do?!

Stewie

I know, I know, I messed up.

[Mocks] "I messed up!" [Normal voice] You went back to 17th-century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians. And now they're running everything!

Stewie

I said I messed up, all right?! I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked.

Well, it's not a good trait.

Stewie

Oh, come on. Don't say that. Let me buy you lunch.

Thanks to you, the Indians killed all the white people and took over America! I mean, you're the one who's always saying "never alter the past".

Stewie

Oh, come on, Brian, let's be honest. I frequently alter the past.

All right, so, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?

Stewie

Hey, Judas, he ordered like 5 margaritas. All you had was a salad.

Stewie

[comes from the future and sees Brian on the street. He sees the car heading right for him and runs to him] Brian, look out! [pushes him out of the way, letting the hockey stick and toy net get broken by the car]

What the hell?

Stewie

You're alive, my friend! [hugs him]

What? Of course, I'm alive. What the hell is going on here?

Stewie

Brian, [points at the car] that car killed you, and when it did, a little part of me died as well. I couldn't live without you, so I came back from the future to save your life.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine.

Stewie

Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here. Oh, that reminds me. I better send this back to where it came from.