Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

What's it called?

[sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.

Stewie

Name 20.

"Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Alison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".

Stewie

Name 6 more.

"Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".

Stewie

Name 5 more.

"Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".

Stewie

Go fuck yourself.

Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.

Stewie

Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.

[voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? A little four-minute movie that tells the story of a...

Stewie

Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Stewie

This... was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhasuting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses l have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.

Stewie

There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!

Well, then LeVar and l were going to pool hours for the Fuzzy Troll pencil topper.

Stewie

Oh, yeah? You're gonna share that?

Stewie

Really? How's that gonna work?

Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.

Stewie

For a pencil topper?!

l have to pee again.

Stewie

That's it. Goodbye. [pulls a lever on the control panel. The entire cast were teleported, but LeVar's drink doesn't and causes a stain on the floor] Fuck!!

Peter Griffin

Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.

Chris Griffin

I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche.

Meg Griffin

Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.

Chris Griffin

How?

Meg Griffin

Tell me what it was like, being one of them.

Chris Griffin

It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.

Stewie Griffin

I flew today.

What the hell? What's happened to us?

Stewie

I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.

Look! There's our house!

Stewie

[laughing] Look how gaily we run!

Whoa, this is trippy.

Stewie

I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.

Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV.

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed!

Stewie

How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?

Fuck you!

Stewie

Bye!

Lois

Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.

Peter

Join me for what?

Lois

No, PETA, the organization.

Peter

What organization?

Lois

PETA.

Peter

What?!

Lois

PETA is an acronym, Peter.

Peter

No, I'm not. I'm Catholic!

Stewie

Are we doing this?

Lois

No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.

Peter

Someone is having a rally for me now?

Lois

No, for PETA.

Peter

That's me! I'm Peter!

Lois

I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA.

Peter

Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!

Chris

I think Betty White is in PETA.

Peter

That doesn't even make any sense!

Peter

Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.

Lois

Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.

Peter

You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.

Chris

Yay!

Lois

Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.

Meg

Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!

Stewie

That's your sense of humor?!

Meg

I was just kidding! God!

Lois

Meg, that's awful!

Chris

Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?

That's messed up, Meg.

Meg

I was just trying to be funny.

Lois

That wasn't funny, that was just dark.

Stewie

Yeah, that's your father!

Chris

[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!

Peter

Heh, heh, heh.

Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse!

(to Stewie) It's okay. Randall's just getting into character.

Stewie

Is he playing a dick?

Stewie

Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler after he wrote Mein Kampf.

Well, we read it and we don't like it...

[dejected] Oh.

We love it!

You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg!

Peter

So you gonna introduce me to your little friends?

Stewie

That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear.

Peter

You having a tea party?

Stewie

No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

Stewie

[On a cellphone] Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

Give me the damn phone!

Stewie

Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. [whispered] I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. [Brian snatches a cellphone] Hey!

Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?!

Stewie

A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. [Brian angrily slaps him on a face] Ow.

You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!

Stewie

[begins tearing] That really hurt.

Go away! I can't even look at you!

You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot!

Stewie

Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite.

All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please?

Stewie

All right.

Can you give me a caramel one?

Stewie

No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt.

I don't like strawberry yogurt.

Stewie

Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night.

Okay, I get it.

Stewie

A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room.

Shut up.

Stewie

Forgets four seconds later that he ate it.

Shut up!

Stewie

Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint.

Stewie

What? What the hell? What's wrong with you?

I HAD SEX WITH HER!

Stewie

WHAT!?

I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!

Stewie

[screams] WHY?!

I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER!

Stewie

OH, MY GOD!

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!

Stewie

He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!

[greets each resident as they enter the mansion] Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.

Stewie

[to Brian] She doesn't know what "mister" means.

Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West Mister.

Stewie

Oh, my God, seriously.

West

I know what you're all thinking but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.

Take a letter, hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.