[at the end of the episode]
LoisWell, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]
[to the home audience] We had the abortion.
DSDiane Simmons
Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois. But look on the bright side, you'll be a story on the 6 o'clock news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny.
Lois
Diane, please, please don’t do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God!
DSDiane Simmons
That's right, you won't. Goodbye, Lois.
[Diane is then sniped from behind and she falls off a cliff to her death, screaming.]
Lois
Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you.
[As Lois walks away, Stewie is revealed to be the shooter.]
If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.
Lois
Look, Brian, all I'm saying is it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.
Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean, you...you're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.
Lois
You want to know what I think is happening here?
Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.
Lois
I think you just got to be in the "out" group. Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.
Oh, please, you could not be more off base.
Lois
Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic?
Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made.
Lois
Mm-hm, what about Slumdog Millionaire?
Overrated. Just a terrible movie.
Lois
Cocktail.
Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.
Lois
You make me sick, Brian.
[after Mr. Washee Washee bans the entire Griffin family from his store at dinner when Peter again accuses him for stealing his shirt]
Lois
Great, Peter! Nice going! This dinner was a disaster!
Eh, Clash of the Titans owl was worse.
[cutaway to Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie sitting at the Griffins' dinner table, with Bubo the mechanical owl at the head of the table]
Lois
So you're from Greece. Oh, I've always wanted to go there! What's it like?
[Bubo makes incomprehensible mechanical whistling noises]
Lois
Yeah, I can't… I can't understand a word he's saying.
Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're goin' to invite the owl, you got to invite Harry Hamlin.
Lois
[teeth clenched, sternly] I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house!
[After Peter finishes the story, the power comes back on]
The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.
Uh, Dad, one question: What do you got against Seth Green?
I j… I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that?
Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me? I think Seth MacFarlane's a douche.
Lois
Yeah, I don't like him either.
Well, wait a second, I hear he's a pretty nice guy.
Yeah, good looking guy. Talented, young…
Talented?! He ripped off The Simpsons!
Lois
Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it!
And he only puts out like ten new episodes a year.
And then he splits those up into five DVD sets.
He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.
But he still takes the money every week, how noble.
Lois
And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?
Well, I wouldn’t know about that, but I… I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.
[The Griffins stay silent for a moment before the credits roll]
Lois, I need 28 thousand dollars.
Lois
For what?
I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant.
Lois
What do you know about sushi?
I don't care about the sushi. I just wanna yell at customers when they walk in the door.
[cut to that]
IRASSHAIMASE! HAJIMEMASHITE! HERECOMESABLACKGUY!
[Lois, Donna and Bonnie lie on the couch, intoxicated.]
Lois
[drunk] He-he-ey-hey! I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny! [whispers to Bonnie and Donna] Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. [Bonnie leaves] Brian! Brian, come out here! [Brian enters the living room, reading a book]
Lois
[giggles] What...what...whatta you reading?
Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. Y'know, I'll admit, it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying -
Lois
Grab him!
[The wives jump on top of a struggling Brian.]
What? Hey-hey?! What are you doing?! Hey!
Lois
Get his paw! Hold still!
Lois
Push him down onto all fours!
No! What are you do-?! I don't wanna do this!
Lois
If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!
[The wives release Brian; he is dressed as a bee and trying to get the costume off.]
DDonna
Calm down! Calm down!
[She whacks Brian on the head with the book. He runs into the stereo and the three women break down laughing hysterically.]
Lois
Now, Stewie!
[walks in carrying a pistol] Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
Meg, get in the car! We're going home!
I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!
Meg, I'm only gonna say this once! You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say and GET IN THE DAMN CAR!
Yes, Daddy. [walks away sadly with Peter following behind her, Lois walks up to Quagmire]
Lois
If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian!
Lois
And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month! Do you understand me?
Lois
Peter, I got us the cabin!
Lois
[Back to Quagmire] I don't ever want to see you on our doorstep for at least a month!
Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?
Lois
[sighs angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.
Lois is sitting on the couch, watching TV]
TTV
We now return to True Blood.
BCBill Compton
Hi, I'm a nude vampire.
JMJoe Manganiello
Hi, I'm a nude werewolf.
SSSookie Stackhouse
And that's the show!
Lois
Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on.
[offscreen] Coming! [He sneaks to the top of the stairs. He takes a piece of sandpaper from his pocket and sands the soles of his shoes. He then attempts to extremely slowly descend down the stairs, but slips on the first step while screaming and grunting] FUCK! FUCK! GODDAMN IT! FUCKIN' COCKSUCKIN' COCK! FUCK! DAMN IT!
Lois
Oh, my God, Peter! Are you okay?
NO, I AM NOT OKAY! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OKAY!
Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm I'm at the various checkpoints.
Lois
Huh, okay. [speaks into walkie-talkie] Peter up on a telephone pole?
[spying from a telephone pole, lower binnoculars] Check.
Lois
Peter cutting the wires to the alarm?
Lois
Sexy Peter distracting the guards?
[dressed as a prostitute] Check. [to the guards] Hello, boys! Come out and have sex with me sometime!
Lois
Van full of Peters with stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist?
[shows a vanful of stern-faced Peters] Check.
Lois
Upside-down Peter who isn't revealed to upside-down until the camera spins around and shows that he is?
[appears right-side up until the camera spins around to show he's upside-down] Check.
Lois
Peter in an open airplane door, slapping Peters on the back as they parachute out?
[slapping other Peters as they parachute out] Go! Go-go-go-go-go! [into walkie-talkie] Check!
Lois
Super gymnastic Asian Peter, contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house?
APAsian Peter
[shows Peter rolling in a crate and x-rays to reveal Asian Peter inside] Hai!
Lois
Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong? [shows the walkie-talkie on the floor] Peter? Peter, are you there? [zooms out to reveal Peter lying dead with his throat slit as blood pools around him]
I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]
Lois
Go on then. We're both men.
BBilly
There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th - WOAH! Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it! [laughs again]
What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?
BBilly
I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?
[Peter replaces a family portrait with a portrait of Laser Tag Times newspaper article reading "Peter Griffin Eliminates Enemies. DESTROYS WORLD!"]
I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
Lois
You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.
Come on, Lois. I think you're over reacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?
Lois
Buddies? You're one of his buddies?
Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.
Lois
Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.
[Lois covers her ears in bed. Zooms out to Peter hold a gigantic plume feather in the form of a quill pen, and begins to write]
"Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your grey lung." [*dips his quill] Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip. "Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt marsh cutworms." Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip.
Lois
[sits up] Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning; come to bed.
[writes further] "Marital concerns continue to bedevil me."
[Lois leaves the en-suite, then stops. Zoom out and Peter is on his twin bed next to Quagmire]
Lois
Peter, what's going on?
Quagmire's havin' a sleepover with me.
Lois
[giggly] You can't be serious.
[deeply concerned] Look, Lois, I told ya that I need to have somebody sleepin' next to me. Alright now, if that's not gonna be you–
Lois
Fine, do what you want, I don't care, but I think it's very strange.
Okay, that's the one thing that's not.
Lois
I already told you, I don't care. [switches lamp off and lies down]
[to Peter] It's not strange.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
