Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

Hey, kid. Cm'ere. I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth.

Stewie

Why don't you go and hump a pile of garbage?

Lois

Stewie, Rise and Shine, Good morning, Stewie.

Stewie

Fuck you.

Lois

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie. I've put Stewie in the oven a bunch of times. As long as you come to your senses in 15 minutes, everything's fine.

Peter

Lois, can I go slip N slide in the yard?

Lois

Has it been half an hour since you've eaten?

Peter

Yes, almost.

Lois

Okay, I just wanna be sure you don't get a cramp.

Peter

Yay, poor people water fun!

We've had this conversation. Do yourself a favor and move on.

Stewie

Oh, that's interesting, Brian, because l found this [takes out his trashed play] buried in the backyard next to your soup bone!

(gasps) Stewie, l...

Stewie

You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like l knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".

Peter

I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.

Lois

No, Peter.

Peter

"Little" means mouse?

Lois

No, Peter.

Peter

I feel so old and in the way.

It's still a good play!

Stewie

It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld.

(panicking) I never saw that episode!

Stewie

I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!

(distraught) SHUT UP!

Stewie

May every person who laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity, and pierce your heart like a knife.

(angry) Get in here, you bastard! [chases the squirrel after he has it pinned on the grass] You stink and your play stinks!

This ain't about me, is it?

[breaks down crying] No... and l'm sorry.

Do whatever you have to do Brian, but never let him know he's got talent.

Yeah, you're right. It won't be so hard.After all I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's "I can't believe it's not butter!" With real butter.

Peter

wh-wha? [stuttering] I can't.... I CAN'T BELIEVE... [stuttering]

Lois

I don't know doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter.

Your husband murdered 3 children.

Lois

Hello?

Peter

Is dinner almost ready?

Lois

Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you.

Peter

Pull back my chair ever so slightly.

Peter

Ahh, Daddy's home.

Lois

Peter, how long do we have to sit here?

Peter

Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bitches!

Hello, neighbors!

Peter

Joe, you can walk!

How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in.

Oh, I'm so glad everyone could make it.

[entering the room] Stan, I need $50. They’re selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on Ebay.

Peter

The hell kind of dog is that?

[points to Meg] I was gonna ask the same thing.

Oh, uh, that's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know! And don't tell anybody about our attic.

Peter

Hello. Oh, hey, Quagmire! Hey, you're not gonna believe this, I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien…

AAAAAAH!

Lois

Peter, wake up! You're having a nightmare.

Peter

[waking up] Oh! Oh, Lois! Thank God it was just a dream.

[exiting the bathroom] Hey! Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?!

[sigh] Dammit! I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

Lois

[to Peter] I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

Stewie

Is that my ass?

Meg

You guys. I think this is a meth lab.

Lois

Oh my god. Do you mean like as in D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L?

Stewie

What's going on? What are you guys talking about?

Lois

Uh-oh, someone's getting cranky. [picks up Stewie] I think he needs an N-A-P.

Stewie

What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

Lois

Alright, that's it, Peter, we've gotta do something about that awful breath. I'm making an appointment and you are going to the dentist.

Peter

Jeesh, you are not gonna let this go, are ya. You're as stubborn as a four-hour erection.

Well, she's long gone. [lifts his sheet to talk to his erection] So, uh, you can go, too.

Oh no. You got me for another three-and-a-half hours, pal. Go ahead, seek medical attention. I'm not going anywhere.

You can't stay! I'm chaperoning my daughter's Girl Scout dinner in 45 minutes!

Well, tuck me into your waistband and try not to pee up your shirt.

Lois

Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.

Peter

Hey, Lois.

Lois

So, what happened? Did you find your treasure?

Peter

No, I realized something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

Peter

Hey, I'm home! I got groceries.

Lois

You What?

Peter

Yeah, I was driving past there and we were out of some stuff, so I- [Gets tackled by Lois]

Lois

You listen to me you son of a bitch! I've got one thing in this lifetime... ONE THING! [Punches Peter]

Peter

You always say I never do anything around here!!

Lois

YEAH, I LIKE SAYING THAT MORE THAN I LIKE YOU DOING THINGS...

Chris

Dad, I got the rest from a car. Where-

Peter

CHRIS, RUN! YOU ARE RIGHT, SHE DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT!

Chris

Oh crap! [runs off but Lois throws a can out of the house and it hits him off-screen.] OW!

Lois

That's Right... I DO GROCERIES.

Lois

Last night was the best sex I ever had.

Peter

Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people.

Lois

What are you talking about?

Stewie

[sees a car speeding straight for Brian] Brian, look out! [the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net in the process] Aah, Brian! [runs to him]

Lois

[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt] Oh, my God! [runs to him] Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!

Peter

Holy crap! What the hell happened?!

[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits] That guy sucked! [runs away, cuts to Quahog Vet]

Meg

Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?

Lois

I don’t know, Meg. But this is the best veterinary in Quahog. Brian’s getting the fine care there is.

Stewie

You have to share an ambulance with a chicken.

Peter

[to Chicken] Hey, Um, aren't you supposed to be running around?

[to Peter] Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.

Lois

Doctor, how is Brian? Is he gonna be okay?

[sadly] I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him. I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your good-byes. [The Griffin family are shocked in horror to the Veterinarian, they walk to Brian’s deathbed]

Lois

[tearfully] Oh, my God! Brian, no!

Peter

[tearfully] I can't believe it. Y-You're really...

Stewie

[tearfully] Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together. We were gonna become windsurfers. I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! [Brian wakes up; groans softly]

Lois

You guys, I think, I think Brian's trying to say something!

You... you've given me a wonderful life. I love you all. [smiles before finally passing away, to the family's horror. The veterinarian checks his heartbeat. Nothing.]

[sadly] I'm sorry. He's gone.

Chris

[tearfully] Oh, my god... He's...

Lois

[tearfully] Yes, Chris. I'm afraid... I'm afraid our Brian is dead!