Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

Hey, you guys.

Chris

Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.

Lois

What?

Chris

What?

Lois

So, Meg, any luck finding another job?

Meg

No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.

Meg

What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and we could watch House?

Peter

All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]

Bonnie

Oh my God, that was so much fun!

Lois

You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot!

Joe

Peter? Peter?

Peter

Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.

Quagmire

It's the best show you're not watching!

Cleveland

I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Lois

Look, Why don't you just talk to him? Ya might find out he's not so bad.

Peter

Alright, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me. And right now, it's telling me I have...

INDIGESTION!

Peter

But, I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got...

DIARRHEA!

Lois

I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

Peter

You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.

Lois

What?

Peter

What?

Lois

Chris, honey, what's wrong?

Chris

Anna took a dump on me.

Lois

What?!

Chris

Yeah, she broke up with me.

Lois

Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.

Chris

What's the difference?

Lois

Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.

Lois

Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?

Peter

Lois, I've got something better! Do you know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?

Lois

[gasps, touched] Oh, my God!

Peter

That's right, I've bought a horse!

Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world!

That's all I ever wanted people to know.

Lois

Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.

You've got a deal!

[as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved.

[angrily] I don't need you anymore!

Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.

Lois

Oh, that's terrible.

I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.

Peter

Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.

Allahu Akbar! [crashes]

Lois

Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.

Peter

Join me for what?

Lois

No, PETA, the organization.

Peter

What organization?

Lois

PETA.

Peter

What?!

Lois

PETA is an acronym, Peter.

Peter

No, I'm not. I'm Catholic!

Stewie

Are we doing this?

Lois

No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.

Peter

Someone is having a rally for me now?

Lois

No, for PETA.

Peter

That's me! I'm Peter!

Lois

I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA.

Peter

Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!

Chris

I think Betty White is in PETA.

Peter

That doesn't even make any sense!

Peter

Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.

Lois

Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.

Peter

You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.

Chris

Yay!

Lois

Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.

Meg

Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!

Stewie

That's your sense of humor?!

Meg

I was just kidding! God!

Lois

Meg, that's awful!

Chris

Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?

That's messed up, Meg.

Meg

I was just trying to be funny.

Lois

That wasn't funny, that was just dark.

Stewie

Yeah, that's your father!

Chris

[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!

Peter

Heh, heh, heh.

Lois

Meg! You look so different!

Chris

How was prison?

Meg

First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house?

Peter

Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction-

Meg

My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?

Peter

[lifting his hand up] I know my way around a joke- [Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]

Chris

For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life!

Meg

There better be beer in the fridge. [Meg leaves the room]

Chris

Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website.

I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.

I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor.

We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?

Lois

Meg, honey? I did all your laundry.

Lois

Oh, my God, what is that smell?

Meg

It's my poop bucket.

Lois

What the hell!?

Meg

I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room.

Lois

That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!

Meg

No.

Lois

Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it?

Meg

I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips.

Lois

[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket] Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper?

Meg

Yeah, and I think I might need some right now!

Meg

Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden!

Lois

Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.

Meg

I don't wanna talk to you. Get out!

Lois

Look, I understand that you're upset.

Meg

You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that?

Lois

I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you.

Meg

Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.

Lois

Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him.

Meg

You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. [She rips a tooth out]

Lois

Oh, my God!

Meg

He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!

Lois

Well, when you're ready to talk...

Lois

Peter, this is Naomi.

Peter

Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?

Lois

Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.

Peter

No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!

Don't mention it, Peter.

[sing] God! He knows what turns you on!

[to the home audience] Have fun!