[Peter finishes telling the story]
PeterThe end.
[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]
Peter
Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad.
Peter
Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter
I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter
Oh, yeah? All 42 of them?
[sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter
Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without a Paddle.
FUCK YOU, DAD! [storms off]
Peter
Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?
Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.
Peter
No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!
[cut to God standing on a cloud, looking down at him]
GGod
Don't mention it, Peter.
CChorus
[sing] God! He knows what turns you on!
GGod
[to the home audience] Have fun!
[at the end of the episode]
Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]
Peter
[to the home audience] We had the abortion.
Ahh, that was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.
Peter
Oh my God! [Carter and his whore gasp in shock] Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?! Ewww!
No, no, this is my sister!
Peter
Ewww!
Peter
Ewww!
I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself!
Peter
Ewww!
Peter
'Ewww!'
[Camera zooms through Peter's mouth to vocal cords, where a few employees suck up the word "EWWW" in a pipe.]
E1Employee 1
We need more e's and w's down here now!
E2Employee 2
We're trying, we're running out of letters!
E3Employee 3
Just turn the m's upside down and send 'em down here!
E2Employee 2
You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can--
E3Employee 3
I don't care, I'll take the heat. Just turn 'em over and send 'em down!
[Peter, Joe and Quagmire are all in a Japanese Zero with Quagmire flying it. Joe and Peter admire the view from above]
Whoa! Quahog looks beautiful from up here!
Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. [loses his smile] Feels like... something I was kinda meant to fly, y'know?
Peter
Hey, there's Quahog Harbor!
[Some naval vessels are shown]
Look at all those old naval vessels!
Yeah... look at them all... [suddenly, he starts taking the plane to fly downward]
Peter
Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doin'?
I dunno, Peter. It feels like... something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins... [lowers the lever to take the plane down faster, scaring the crap out of Joe and Peter]
[scared] QUAGMIRE, WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?
Peter
[also scared] WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS!?
Shut up, round eye! [makes the plane do barrel rolls]
Peter
OH MY GOD, STOP, QUAGMIRE, I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!
帝国空軍の誇りと名誉、俺の先祖のために俺は逝くぞ！万歳！！！ (I DO THIS FOR THE HONOR OF THE IMPERIAL AIR FORCE AND FOR MY HONORABLE ANCESTORS; BANZAI!)
Peter
OH GOD!!!
[The Japanese Zero is near a naval vessel's plane landing pad, getting ready to crash it. Peter and Joe scream in horror.]
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS IN MY COUNTRY!?
[Quagmire lifts the lever up and avoids hitting the ship. The trio continue their ride as they ride across the ocean. Peter and Joe are completely scared crapless out of what happened. They take deep breaths.]
Peter
What the hell was that!?
PRANK'S ON YOU, (censored)! I'm not Japanese!
Peter
You're not?
No! THAT WAS FOR MAKING ME HAVE SEX WITH JOE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!
Peter
[turns to Joe, surprised] You guys actually had sex?
Yeah, I kinda went rouge with that one.
[Peter, still on Red Bull, is on The Price is Right with Drew Carey; it is time for the Showcase Showdown]
DDrew
Everybody, welcome back to The Price is Right. Time to spin the wheel. The top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter. Close as you can to a dollar without going over.
[Peter spins the Big Wheel rapidly]
DDrew
Alright. While we're waitin' for the wheel to spin, wanna say hi to anybody?
Peter
Oh, yeah, Drew! I wanna say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-Up Deaf Guy!
DDrew
[laughs] Okay. Sure they're happy to hear that.
[the wheel suddenly goes out of control and rolls out of position and runs over a few audience members as the rest exit screaming; the wheel crashes through the wall]
Peter
Whoa! Paramedics, come on down!
[he laughs uncontrollably]
Peter
Yeah, that's what YOU say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. [20th Century Fox logo plays] Alright. Let's see what you got, Fox. [map pops out from under the water on the screen] Oh, I bet that's a sea monster. [revealed to be logo for Underwater Map Productions] Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I've heard of them. [Once Upon a Time... shows up on screen] Here we go. Movie! ["STUDIOS" shows up from under the caption] Well, now that seems intentionally misleading. [airplane comes up on screen] Alright, someone's coming to town! [revealed to be logo for Arriving Flight Productions] Oh, for crying out loud! [image of India shown with the caption "India, 1853"] Alright, a period movie. [zooms out to show that it's the logo for Country-and-Date Productions] Oh, not a period movie. [guy on screen runs into a house in a thunderstorm] Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. [flashes and tints into black and white on-screen to show that it's the logo for Panting Man's Wounded Shoulder Films] OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
This man wants to testify!
Peter
Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness!
This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences. But after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say, "Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart". But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?
He doesn't even like Cher!
[after Mr. Washee Washee bans the entire Griffin family from his store at dinner when Peter again accuses him for stealing his shirt]
Great, Peter! Nice going! This dinner was a disaster!
Peter
Eh, Clash of the Titans owl was worse.
[cutaway to Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie sitting at the Griffins' dinner table, with Bubo the mechanical owl at the head of the table]
So you're from Greece. Oh, I've always wanted to go there! What's it like?
[Bubo makes incomprehensible mechanical whistling noises]
Yeah, I can't… I can't understand a word he's saying.
Peter
Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're goin' to invite the owl, you got to invite Harry Hamlin.
[teeth clenched, sternly] I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house!
Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.
Peter
You're tellin' me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead, I got a broster.
[flashback to a young Peter playing until his "broster" comes in his room]
BBroster
Hey, Peter, you wanna see my vegenis?
Peter
Uh... Uh-- I-- Uh, I-I don't know.
[After Peter finishes the story, the power comes back on]
Peter
The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
Peter
I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.
Uh, Dad, one question: What do you got against Seth Green?
Peter
I j… I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that?
Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me? I think Seth MacFarlane's a douche.
Peter
What's that now?
Yeah, I don't like him either.
Well, wait a second, I hear he's a pretty nice guy.
Yeah, good looking guy. Talented, young…
Talented?! He ripped off The Simpsons!
Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it!
And he only puts out like ten new episodes a year.
And then he splits those up into five DVD sets.
Peter
He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.
But he still takes the money every week, how noble.
And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?
Peter
Well, I wouldn’t know about that, but I… I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.
[The Griffins stay silent for a moment before the credits roll]
Peter
Lois, I need 28 thousand dollars.
Peter
I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant.
What do you know about sushi?
Peter
I don't care about the sushi. I just wanna yell at customers when they walk in the door.
[cut to that]
Peter
IRASSHAIMASE! HAJIMEMASHITE! HERECOMESABLACKGUY!
The national weather service has issued a severe hurricane advisory and it’s everyone to stay indoors for at least the next thirty-six hours. [TV is cut]
Peter
Aw, what happened!?
Peter, the wind must’ve knocked the satellite dish loose.
Peter
Oh crap, I was gonna watch GI Jóse.
K1Kid #1
Agh! [gets hit by a ball]
K2Kid #2
Oh No! You cut your forehead! What’ll we do?
GJGI Jóse
Hey, kids. If you have an open woom, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding, then get some sleep to wait for the body to heel itself.
GJGI Jóse
And like I always say, remember, you know enough.
Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard. He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too. God, I wish she'd never met Jeffery Fecalman.
Peter
You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?
Peter
That's his name?
Peter
Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?
Boy, that'd be satisfying.
Peter
What do you mean?
The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill the bastard.
Woah, woah, Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that.
Peter
You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.
[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]
MMan
I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.
RRooster
You're about to have a neat day.
[back to the scene]
Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder.
No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change! Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them!
It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [hears Brenda screaming in fear, the three look out the window].
WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I WAS GOING TO GET A BEER?!
BBrenda
Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey. I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.
WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU BITCH!
HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams as Jeff hits her].
[to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?
Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?
Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook!
[cut to an office with the Cookie Man and a man behind a desk]
Peter
What is this?
Family Guy · 775 quotes
