Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Peter

Don't worry about it, guys. I read nowhere that Southern sheriffs really wanna be talked down to by big-shot Northerners.

Afternoon.

Peter

[in a snooty voice] Officer, hwhat is it? We are in a tremendous urban rush.

You fellas ain't from around here, are ya?

Peter

[normal voice] Hey, Sheriff. I'm tryin' to learn Southern. Is this sayin' anything? Adoi-doi-doi-doi-doi!!

Quagmire

So, where is the birthday girl?

Meg

Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

Quagmire

Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's - I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here! There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]

Peter

Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.

Peter, that skank is your daughter.

Peter

Oh my God, You're right!

Quagmire

Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.

Stewie

Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!

Peter

Meg, get in the car! We're going home!

Meg

I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!

Peter

Meg, I'm only gonna say this once! You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say and GET IN THE DAMN CAR!

Meg

Yes, Daddy. [walks away sadly with Peter following behind her, Lois walks up to Quagmire]

Lois

If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian!

Quagmire

Okay.

Lois

And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month! Do you understand me?

Quagmire

Yes, ma'am.

Lois

Peter, I got us the cabin!

Peter

Yay!

Lois

[Back to Quagmire] I don't ever want to see you on our doorstep for at least a month!

Quagmire

Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?

Lois

[sighs angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

We now return to True Blood.

Hi, I'm a nude vampire.

Hi, I'm a nude werewolf.

And that's the show!

Lois

Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on.

Peter

[offscreen] Coming! [He sneaks to the top of the stairs. He takes a piece of sandpaper from his pocket and sands the soles of his shoes. He then attempts to extremely slowly descend down the stairs, but slips on the first step while screaming and grunting] FUCK! FUCK! GODDAMN IT! FUCKIN' COCKSUCKIN' COCK! FUCK! DAMN IT!

Lois

Oh, my God, Peter! Are you okay?

Peter

NO, I AM NOT OKAY! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OKAY!

Peter

Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm I'm at the various checkpoints.

Lois

Huh, okay. [speaks into walkie-talkie] Peter up on a telephone pole?

Peter

[spying from a telephone pole, lower binnoculars] Check.

Lois

Peter cutting the wires to the alarm?

Peter

[cuts the wire] Check.

Lois

Sexy Peter distracting the guards?

Peter

[dressed as a prostitute] Check. [to the guards] Hello, boys! Come out and have sex with me sometime!

Lois

Van full of Peters with stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist?

Peter

[shows a vanful of stern-faced Peters] Check.

Lois

Upside-down Peter who isn't revealed to upside-down until the camera spins around and shows that he is?

Peter

[appears right-side up until the camera spins around to show he's upside-down] Check.

Lois

Peter in an open airplane door, slapping Peters on the back as they parachute out?

Peter

[slapping other Peters as they parachute out] Go! Go-go-go-go-go! [into walkie-talkie] Check!

Lois

Super gymnastic Asian Peter, contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house?

[shows Peter rolling in a crate and x-rays to reveal Asian Peter inside] Hai!

Lois

Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong? [shows the walkie-talkie on the floor] Peter? Peter, are you there? [zooms out to reveal Peter lying dead with his throat slit as blood pools around him]

Don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?

Peter

Yes.

Where... where is it?

Peter

It's in there.

Are you sure, so it's like Snuffleupagus down there, is it?

Peter

Oh, to hell with this... Lois, get the ruler. We're measuring again, and this time, I decide where the base is.

Peter

I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]

Lois

Go on then. We're both men.

Peter

Well... alright I guess.

There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th - WOAH! Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it! [laughs again]

Peter

What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?

I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?

Quagmire

I don't like this, you guys – uh, this is bad... Joe's gonna find out, I just know it!

Peter

Geez, Quagmire. You need to relax – and I know how to help. Calgon, take him away.

Quagmire

THIS IS WORSE, PETER!

Peter

Relax! This is supposed to be your time! This is the right way to deal with your problems.

Peter

Chris, you're four hot dogs behind! Come on!

Chris

Ohh... I can't eat anymore!

Peter

Remember what I told you...

Peter

I get this weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get it checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me.

Chris

He's right. I can do it! [he starts eating up all the hot dogs, then Yamamoto does the same]

We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated!

Peter

[picks up Chris] Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies!

Chris

They're shiny.

Peter

Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.

Stewie

What's going on here?

Peter

I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.

Lois

You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.

Come on, Lois. I think you're over reacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?

Lois

Buddies? You're one of his buddies?

Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.

Lois

Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

Peter

"Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your grey lung." [*dips his quill] Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip. "Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt marsh cutworms." Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip.

Lois

[sits up] Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning; come to bed.

Peter

[writes further] "Marital concerns continue to bedevil me."

Lois

Peter, what's going on?

Peter

Quagmire's havin' a sleepover with me.

Lois

[giggly] You can't be serious.

Peter

[deeply concerned] Look, Lois, I told ya that I need to have somebody sleepin' next to me. Alright now, if that's not gonna be you–

Lois

Fine, do what you want, I don't care, but I think it's very strange.

Peter

Okay, that's the one thing that's not.

Quagmire

Yeah, it's not strange.

Lois

I already told you, I don't care. [switches lamp off and lies down]

Quagmire

[to Peter] It's not strange.

Peter

I know.

Peter

[on the phone] I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you. But what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wrist-watch. You can have one of them.

Drakkar Noir

Peter

These guys are serious. [to Lois] Lois, Meg's dead!

Quagmire

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?

Peter

Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down!

Peter

Shirts off! I want to see who's got bigger pecs. [Tears off his shirt]

Peter!

Peter

Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Chris, pass that salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. [squirts whatever is left onto his body] Eh, it's all out. [to Chris] There's dressing on that salad! Gimme that salad! [puts some salad onto his body] Yeah, who's the better man now, Ross?!