Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!

Peter

So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show...you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

Have you made a reservation, Peter?

Peter

Uh... yeah! I did it before her!

Who did you talk to?

Peter

Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio?

Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years!

Peter

Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times.

You saw Cops and Robbersons?

And My Stepmother Is an Alien?

Peter

Almost all of them.

Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.

Lois

Oh, that's terrible.

I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.

Peter

Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.

Allahu Akbar! [crashes]

Peter

Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby.

Giggity?

Quagmire

Oooh, I say that...

Joe

[shows off a parrot] I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful?

Peter

[to the parrot] Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple!

Cripple!

Joe

DAMN IT!

Lois

Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.

Peter

Join me for what?

Lois

No, PETA, the organization.

Peter

What organization?

Lois

PETA.

Peter

What?!

Lois

PETA is an acronym, Peter.

Peter

No, I'm not. I'm Catholic!

Stewie

Are we doing this?

Lois

No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.

Peter

Someone is having a rally for me now?

Lois

No, for PETA.

Peter

That's me! I'm Peter!

Lois

I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA.

Peter

Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!

Chris

I think Betty White is in PETA.

Peter

That doesn't even make any sense!

Peter

Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. [flips page] The African-American heart monitor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [monitor stops] Aw, he dead.

Peter

Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever!

Carter

Why would you do that?

Peter

'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper.

Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family?

Peter

Sure!

Okay, then let's...

Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better!

Peter

Oh, really?

You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese?

Peter

What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing.

[shouting angrily] No! It won't be the same!

[to Peter] Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him.

Peter

Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing.

I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food.

Peter

Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on.

[skipping merrily away] Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay!

Peter

[to Hamburger Helper] I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.

Chris

Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son.

Peter

Never seen you before in my life.

Chris

Really? Then I must be invisible! [takes off his clothes and runs outside] Hey, everybody! I'm invisible!

Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!

Peter

Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.

Lois

Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.

Peter

You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.

Chris

Yay!

Lois

Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.

Meg

Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!

Stewie

That's your sense of humor?!

Meg

I was just kidding! God!

Lois

Meg, that's awful!

Chris

Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?

That's messed up, Meg.

Meg

I was just trying to be funny.

Lois

That wasn't funny, that was just dark.

Stewie

Yeah, that's your father!

Chris

[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!

Peter

Heh, heh, heh.

Lois

Meg! You look so different!

Chris

How was prison?

Meg

First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house?

Peter

Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction-

Meg

My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?

Peter

[lifting his hand up] I know my way around a joke- [Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]

Chris

For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life!

Meg

There better be beer in the fridge. [Meg leaves the room]

Chris

Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website.

I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.

I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor.

We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?

Peter

So you gonna introduce me to your little friends?

Stewie

That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear.

Peter

You having a tea party?

Stewie

No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

Quagmire

What the hell was that about, who were those guys!?

Joe

I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend.

Peter

You think they were following us?

Joe

Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.

Quagmire

Aw, Joe, that's so dumb.

Peter

Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.

Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass.