Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

My father and Michael didn't get along because whatever my father said, my uncle said the opposite.

Julius

I like the Ford.

I like the Chevy.

Julius

I wanna look at Picasso.

I wanna look at Matisse.

Julius

Hmm, tastes great!

Less filling.

Narrator

After talking to Greg, I imagined what my father would say to me.

Julius

So you just gonna quit, huh? All these people who made it possible for you to become the first black class president, and now you just gonna quit?

Yeah. And what if we quit? Black people would never have become pilots.

If I had quit, pancakes would taste like crap.

If I had quit, Cream of Wheat would've been called "Cream of White!"

If I had quit, it would take hours to cook rice.

Narrator

Back at school, I stopped making promises and started making demands.

Chris

I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made into movies.

Are you high? I'm asking, not judging.

Chris

No, I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.

Mrs. Milone

Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?

Chris

A TV in the library, more field trips, instituting recess, and no more detention.

Chris, how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention?

Narrator

To win my office, I told them everything they wanted to hear. There was only one problem: they listened.

You promised to take us to a Knicks game!

You promised I'd get a new locker!

You promised I'd get a raise!

You promise I get a shave!

You promised we'd get some real meat!

Drew

Hey, Dad. Can we take a break?

Julius

Did Martin Luther King, Jr. take a break? Did Moses take a break? Did Gandhi take a break?

Narrator

He took a break from eatin'!

Rochelle

(After Julius looks at the burnt Mac and Cheese) That's your mother's recipe?

Julius

How come you didn't wake me up?

Rochelle

Because you woke me up at 5:00 in the morning. What are you going to do with this Mac and Cheese?

Julius

I sent Chris down to get some more.

Rochelle

You sent Chris down to look for Macaroni and Cheese on Thanksgiving? That's like trying to find candles on Hanukkah.

Julius

Well, don't worry about it. Look, I'll start on the turkey and finish the cobbler.

Rochelle

Well, where are you going to cook the Mac and Cheese?

Julius

In the oven.

Rochelle

When?

Julius

What are you talking about?

Rochelle

The turkey's gonna take five hours at 300 degrees, the mac and cheese is gonna take two hours at 320 degrees, then the cobbler's gonna take 45 minutes at 425 degrees. You've already lost two hours' worth of Three Mile Island here, so I'd say we'll be eating dinner around about 1:30 in the morning. That's if nothing goes wrong.

Narrator

My mother was bad at math, except when it came to multiplying my father's headaches.

Kill Moves

Is that burnt mac 'n cheese?

Julius

Yeah. Why?

Kill Moves

It's just the way I like it!

Narrator

He wants that blackaroni, 'cause he's on that crackaroni.

Narrator

As a kid, I wasn't superstitous but; everybody in my family was. If my mother spilled salt, she would always tossed it over her shoulder for good luck.

Julius

Nooooooo! (Jumps in front of the salt for his popcorn and crashes)

Narrator

That's 9 cent worth of salt.

Narrator

Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.

Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Drew

If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.

Narrator

Tonya would believe that if she stepped on a crack, she would break my mother's back.

Tonya

(Tonya steps on a crack and screams) NOOOOOOOOO!

Rochelle

(Moans after her back is broken in pain while eating her chocolate turtles)

Julius

So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?

A Malibu Barbie with the pink remote-controlled Corvette, the Barbie townhouse and the Barbie swimming pool.

Julius

Ooh. Do you know how much all that stuff costs?

No.

Julius

Well, Santa's gonna tell you. It costs $137.16. Do you have that kind of money?

No.

Julius

Well, neither does Santa.

Narrator

Welcome to my world, kid.

Julius

You're firing me at Christmastime?

Narrator

That's the only time you can fire Santa.

Julius, we've got a problem.

Narrator

You mean besides the fact that you've got a black Santa workin' at a white department store called Goldstein's?

Julius

What's wrong?

You're not presenting the image of Christmas that we want to promote, here at Goldstein's.

Julius

Image? What kinda image?

You're Santa Claus. You're not supposed to make the children cry.

Julius

But they need to learn the truth about life!

Greg

Am I going to have to call Child Protective Services on you?

Narrator

At least I didn't dangle my egg over a balcony like Michael Jackson!

Narrator

Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle

Boy, is that a baby?

Drew

No, that's a football.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Tonya

No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Chris

No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator

I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.

You're overbearing and clingy, and if you keep it up, you're gonna be a single father, too!

Narrator

20 years later, that's what Greg's mail-order bride said.

Narrator

It seemed like everyone had advice for raising a baby.

Kill Moves

You need to teach this boy how to protect himself. Now, I suggest the Brazilian two-finger neck snap! Want me to show you how it works?

Mr. Omar

Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father, and if the father should meet a tragic death, the baby shouldn't be upset if the mother makes friends with a nice man.

[off-screen] Omar, I need more bubbles!

Mr. Omar

Gotta go.

Risky

Teach this baby the difference between the knock-offs and the real thing. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.