Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

I tried to imagine doin' the things that Greg talked about with my father, like bringin' him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.

Julius

Are you crazy? Well you better get me some bacon!

Narrator

I thought about takin' my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.

Julius

We're payin' $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?

Stay away from my granddaughter, you cockeyed hooligan!

Narrator

Turns out older women didn't like me, either.

Drew

So, do you miss Keisha?

Narrator

You mean, do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated?

Chris

Yeah, sort of.

Narrator

Keisha was the first girl I ever really cared about. Even though she never really cared about me, when I found out her family was moving, I was sad to see her go.

Chris

Hey. Where y'all movin' to?

We're going to this place in California. It's supposed to be really, really nice. Palm trees and lawns, no violence, and no crime.

Chris

Well, what's it called?

Compton.

Narrator

I always wondered how that worked out for them.

[off-screen] Bust a cap in 'em! [the Ridenhours' rear window shatters, implying someone shot through it]

Get down, Keisha! Get down, girl, get down!

Narrator

My father hated seeming weak. He wouldn't admit to have a headache if he had a hatchet in his head.

Rochelle

Julius, you are not fine, OK? You're sick.

Julius

I'm fine.

Rochelle

No you're not. You're sick.

Julius

I'm good.

Rochelle

No you're not.

Julius

I'm OK.

Rochelle

No, you're trying to die.

Julius

I'm good, OK? Everything, good.

Rochelle

OK, Mr. "I'm Good."

Caruso

Upside the head! [smacks Chris in the head]

Narrator

The next politician to use that phrase was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

You keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter. That's how I'm doing.

Narrator

That look means all seven of the words you can't say on television.

Narrator

The only time my dad ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.

Rochelle

I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?

Julius

A loom.

Rochelle

What is that?

Julius

A stove.

Rochelle

If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?

Julius

A rickshaw. That's Rick.

Doc

They... they let you out?

Malvo

Yeah. I got time off for good behavior.

Narrator

That's like letting the Devil outta Hell.

Narrator

[Julius is getting ready to sit down to a bowl of popcorn, a few cases of beer, and to watch "The Young & The Restless".] While I was hoping I'd never see Malvo again, my father couldn't wait to see "The Young & The Restless" again.

Julius

Here we go. [He hits the play button on the remote to the Betamax.]

Stay tuned for "The Young & The Restless."

Julius

[He picks up a beer, but before he can drink his beer, he ends up seeing a cartoon, with which Tonya has erased "The Young & The Restless". He puts his beer down.] [to the camera; raising his voice] What the... ? Cartoons?!?!? Who recording cartoons over my "Young & The Restless"?!?!?

Principal Edwards

Now remember, the only way you're going to get along with Caruso is to understand why he hates you. He needs your help.

Chris

But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?

Principal Edwards

You're helping yourself.

Narrator

Spoken like a true white man.

Narrator

My father could've spanked Tonya or grounded her until she was grown, but he said something that made her feel worse than all of that.

Julius

I'm really disappointed in you.

Tonya

Father, I have brought disgrace to myself and to our family. [gets out a belt]

Julius

Tonya, no!

Tonya

Leave me now, Father. I must whup myself until you can find it in your heart to forgive me. [whips herself repeatedly]

Rochelle

Here's how this works, Tonya. You could keep lyin' or you could tell me you took my earrings. You decide.

Tonya

You promise you won't yell?

Rochelle

I won't yell.

Tonya

I took your earrings, and I lost one.

Rochelle

DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY EARRINGS?!

Tonya

You promised you wouldn't yell!

Narrator

I've been fallin' for that one for years.

Rochelle

Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya? Huh?

Narrator

Whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us, she'd always count down from 5.

Rochelle

5... 4... 3... 2... 1. Imma let you're father handle this.

Julius

You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.

Narrator

My father never rewarded good behavior.

Chris

Dad, I cleaned the tub.

Julius

You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.

Tonya

Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.

Julius

You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.

Drew

Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

Julius

You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.

Narrator

Listening to Patti LaBelle could make my mother feel good, no matter what.

Rochelle

Come on, Pepito! I told you, man, I didn't do it!

¿Cuál es tu última voluntad? (What is your last wish?)

Rochelle

Can you play "New Attitude?"