Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Drew

I was watching that!

Julius

I've seen it. Rosebud's his sled.

I was listening to that!

Julius

I heard it. The baby ain't his.

Narrator

Got that right!

Jerome

[about Chris' egg] I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.

Narrator

That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.

They're all the same on the inside.

Narrator

Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.

Narrator

Later, I was thinking about Greg, and I wondered how my heroes would handle bein' a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.

Chris

[as Mr. T] I pity the fool who ain't got no hall pass.

Narrator

I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.

Chris

[as Dirty Harry] Well, I know what you're thinking. Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?

Narrator

I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.

Chris

[as the Terminator] No citation? I'll be black.

To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.

Chris

They've always hated me.

True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.

Narrator

And because I'm black.

Narrator

Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.

Rochelle

So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her!

Narrator

At the fire station, it was Betty.

Rochelle

That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch! I shoulda turned the hose on her!

Narrator

And at NASA, it was Belinda.

Rochelle

Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we woulda got stuck in the ionosphere, she woulda been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" [to her family] More Tang?

Narrator

And at the office, it was Charmaine.

Rochelle

And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes.

Narrator

[My dad] didn't hear a word she said.

Narrator

After spending a whole day with Principal Edwards, I no longer felt like an outsider. I had a new friend.

Principal Edwards

[puts a tardy slip on Chris] You're late.

Chris

What? A tardy slip? But what about yesterday?

Principal Edwards

That was in the past. We're in the now, Chris, and now you're late.

Principal Edwards

As long as you're you, there'll always be a Caruso.

Narrator

I thought about living in Japan.

Caruso

Arigato, Slappy.

Narrator

In London...

Caruso

Cheerio, Nipsy.

Narrator

Morocco...

Caruso

Asalamalakem, Flip.

It's algebra, the math of the unknown.

Chris

Then I must be doing great, 'cause I don't know it.

Narrator

Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know, and everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language.

Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered.

Chris

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, catch a tiger by the toe.

Narrator

He taught me history.

The Vitruvian Man.

Chris

The Hangman. Pick a letter.

Narrator

He taught me science.

Your turn.

Chris

Got anything bigger?

Narrator

Please don't kill me in the name of science, ribbit!

Starting tomorrow, we're going to put some brains inside that head of yours.

Narrator

And I'm gonna put a brick upside that head of yours!

Narrator

With Ms. Morello gone, we had every kind of substitute imaginable. We had out-of-work actors.

To be or not to be? That is the question.

Narrator

We had out-of-work dancers.

Can one of you kids get that bucket of water and throw it on me?

Narrator

And sometimes we had out-of-work teachers.

Enjoy this while you still can, 'cause believe me, it's all downhill from here.

Narrator

We'd had just about every type of sub we could think of, except one: a black sub.

Greg

[about Ms. Morello] She went on a trip to Africa to help fight off an outbreak of yellow fever.

Narrator

It was more like she went to Harlem to fight off an outbreak of jungle fever.

Chris

Are you serious?

As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.

Narrator

Quit showin' off, just say "heart attack!"

It's a B minus, all right?

Chris

No, sir!

Do you wanna learn?

Chris

Yes, sir!

Do you wanna quit?

Chris

No, sir!

Do you wanna go to another school?

Chris

No, sir!

Why?

Chris

'Cause I have no other place to go!

Then you better answer my question: What's A squared plus B squared?

Chris

C squared!

I can't hear you!

Chris

C squared! It's C squared!

That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Narrator

That was the worst wet T-shirt contest ever.

Rochelle

I'm raisin' men in this house, and men do not hit women.

Narrator

That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.

Rochelle

You better not hit that girl!