I've got something to do. Can you two get along for 20 minutes? If not, I can fire you.
[Dan runs up to pick up the bag from the present while the Mall Santa gets his sandwich out]
Hey Stinky, you're not on break.
He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!
It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?
[Dan is digging a pile of snow and sees everyone at the mall, while a dart shoots at the tree as Elise would be shocked wondering who's inside the snowman outfit, Elise would throw the shuriken to the snowglobe as Chris screams, then she vanishes]
Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.
Who is in the snowman costume?! Tell me!
I don't know, okay? It's just some guy. Some guy I don't know.
[laughs] Oh, it's gonna be awesome. See, the Mall Santa
I don't care. Never mind.
[the lights turn off as the mall closes]
Okay, closing time! Good merriness today, people! Except for you, Snowman. You were phoning it in. Get out of my snow globe.
[gets out of his snowman outfit] Oh thank goodness. It smells like feet in there.
Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.
I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.
Oh, come on. Hey, want to see something cool?
Check out the gingerbread house.
No, no. Look closer. Go on. There's eggnog over there.
Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.
Why? Is something wrong with it?
No! Wait! [she steps on Dan's trap as candy canes would attaack her]
[Chris and Dan are driving home from work]
I can't believe I got fired! What happened to "Peace on Earth and good will towards- Whatever.
You almost killed our boss.
Since when is that grounds for dismissal?! And I think "killed" is an overstatement. The odds of one of those candy cane spikes penetrating deep enough to hit a vital organ is like a million to one.
Yeah, she really overreacted.
All I wanted to do was buy a present for Mr. Mumbles. That's all. And maybe give the Mall Santa blood poisoning stemming from extreme peppermint exposure. Is that so wrong?
The first part sounded okay. Look, Dan, I think we can get your job back. But you need to decide what's more important: buying a present for Mr. Mumbles, who loves you unconditionally, or exacting petty revenge on the Mall Santa.
Mmm, I'm leaning "Mall Santa."
There's the Christmas spirit!
Let me help you with that.
JJennifer
That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa. I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.
[opens the door as he whispers] Chris! Chris! Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!
JJason
Not officially, no. Hi, there! I'm-
[Dan closes the door in front of him]
Well, good luck living next to Dan. And I really mean that.
[Dan opens the door and drags Chris inside his apartment]
What do you think you were doing?
I think I was meeting your neighbors, who seem very nice.
You know I really enjoy these little talks of ours, Dan.
Can't you see they're up to something?
Up to something? B-Because-
They're always smiling. And, they insist on saying "Hello" every single time I see them!
Well, I hope you've notified the police.
[angry and flustered] I'll notify them that missing person when your body turns up in-
Let's go. The movie starts soon.
Okay, the coast is clear. Now here's how we roll: Head down, eyes front. Make a beeline for the car. Go! Go! Go! Ahh!
JJason
[opens the door] Dan, right? You play basketball? I was thinking about-
Basketball is for communists.
JJennifer
We baked this pie for you. It's banana cream.
JJason
You know, Jennifer also makes the world's best meat pie, if you're interested.
JJennifer
It helps that Jason's a butcher.
[Dan throws the pie away]
What? It slipped. Besides, I can't eat dairy.
JJennifer
Oh. Ok. Well. I guess we'll see you soon neighbor.
My car! Look at what they did!
Dan, you were the one who-
[Dan opens the door and sees Jason, he tries to close the door but Jason puts his shoe blocking the door]
You leave me alone! I spent all day rolling around in noxious chemicals, so I'd taste terrible!
JJason
Uh. Okay. I came over here because my wife saw a prowler outside the window today.
So? What makes you think I had anything to do with that? You can't come over here and accuse me, I have lawyers!
JJason
I was actually letting you know that we're having security bars installed on our windows.
JJason
They're running a 2-for-1 special at the security store, so we'll be having them installed on our windows, too! [Dan slams the door and hears him from outside] No thanks necessary!
[answering machine] I'm not in right now, so leave a message.
Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of Pay Cable Prison Drama! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! 'Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here, Mr. Mumbles. I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives, HIS HOUSE. [sees Crunch dancing outside of the apartment] What are you doing here, you moron?
CCrunch
One man flash mob, bra.
[walks up to him] A mob implies a group. You are but along dumdum. [Crunch goes up on Dan's car] Hey! Get off my car! You'd better run!
CCrunch
[runs off] Alright!
What is going on with all this dancing malarky? [drives to Chris and Elise's house and sees them dancing from their window] Chris too? [opens the door] What are you doing?
Dancing! [Dan breaks the vase] Dan!
We're practicing for Swing til the Spring, an endurance spring dance contest. You are not invited. Get out of our house.
[Dan grabs the statue and breaks it]
What exactly do you mean by the "epicenter of fight dancing"?
[while explaining the backstory of Pembroke] Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town call Pembroke. This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town. It became an immediate international hub for the evolution of dance. In fact, they called it 'the home of the dance'. They even had a sign made. But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone. And with it, went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually... went feral. The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as 'fight dancing'. After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad.
And you sure you send Dan there?
I'm sure he'll fit right in.
Promise me you won't make a scene. [Dan yells and hits himself to the bank window] Did your head make that sound?
[Dan hits himself and makes a crack to the bank window]
LLady
That's supposed to be bulletproof.
[as the security guard is grabbing him] Let me go!
[another security guard grabs Chris and the 2 security guards angrily throw Dan and Chris out of the bank]
Wait, why did they throw me out?
[angrily] I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!
Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!
Oh, you have a better idea?
How about NOT eating their children!
You have no vision. That vexes me! But not as much as being out 50 cents. OH! We're gonna rob the bank.
That... is one of the worst ideas you've ever had, and you've had some doozies!
Name one! And don't say the jetpack, because that's gonna be awesome. [goes inside the car]
You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?
Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and ROB the place!
Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you!
Don't be so stubborn! Hey, what kind of mask do you wanna wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.
I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--
Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.
Chris! Quit acting suspicious!
I'm not! And quit using my name!
I think we should leave now.
We steal their pens. I sell them for 50 cents, and everything's as it should be.
But nothing! Be cool. Ready?
Dan, wait. That pen has a-
Now! Run for it! [he runs off but his pants rip off of him]
Hey! Where are my pants?! Oof! Get off me! [the security guard catches him]
Oh no. [the security guard catches him]
I think that went pretty well.
I do not appreciate being used as a human shield!
But you were born for it. You're so meaty!
I have been against this plan from day 1!
Don't be one of those sad clowns, Chris. Nobody likes those guys. Be a fun clown!
What are we going to do? I don't want to go to prison!
Well, you should have thought of that before breaking into a bank.
Let's not go blaming others- [Chris tackles him and he laughs] Your nose just- [Chris punches him] Ow! You know something? You're not invited on my next bank heist!
Now help me think of some demands to keep the cops busy. [picks up the phone] Hello, police? It's me. First off, I would like a baby tiger, some chestnuts, a rocket launcher.
[wakes up while he's sleeping as he hears a loud noise] Huh? Wha? Was that you, Mr. Mumbles? I need to stop feeding you tacos before bed. [Mr. Mumbles meows] Yes, I know you like them, but [raises a candy cane and hits it to the wall] KEEP IT DOWN, YOU JERKS! [feels something under his bed] Whoa! What was that? IS MY BED ON FIRE?! [sees something evil under his bed] Huh. Hey! I was going to eat that! Ah! Mr. Mumbles, we have a problem. Evacuation plan 14! Not 12! 14! [Mr. Mumbles hops over to Dan Good kitty. Now for my clothes. [a monster takes Dan's clothes away from him] Clothing's overrated anyway. Vamonos! [leaves his apartment] Hey! Whuuh!!! [gets scared by the monster and runs away]
LGLittle Girl
Mommy, there's a naked man outside!
Again! Call the police, there's a monster under my bed!
LGLittle Girl
[teases Dan] Baby. [giggles]
[screams outside as Elise and Chris hear him from outside] Whoa! Hey! Was that trap meant for me!? Elise, how could you? I almost- [screams again when he gets caught in a mousetrap] stupid, no good, reckless, trap setting!
[finds Dan outside] Hey, Dan What's new? Chris! How do I get out of this thing?
How do I get out of this thing?
You could try gnawing your own leg off.
You think this is funny?!
Elise calls it her "DAN TRAP.
Just get me out of here! And when's the last time someone mowed your grass? This is just slovenly.
You took our lawnmower apart to build a jet pack, remember?
And, It would have worked if you didn't have such a crappy lawnmower. Come with me.
Do you know what time it is?
I don't care what time it is! I need help. There is a monster under my bed! I know how it sounds! Do you? Because you said it anyway. Listen to me very carefully: I hate you. Also, THERE IS A MONSTER UNDER MY BED!
I promised Elise we'd have a Spa Week. Sort of a "stay-cation.
First off, that's not a real thing. Second, there's no time for your foolishness. I have just been ejected from my own domicile!
By a monster. Under your bed.
After you ruined our last vacation by getting us deported-
There's nothing to see in Rome!
I owe Elise a real, "Dan free" week of relaxation and fun. For once.
Then we had better settle this whole "monster" thing as quickly as possible, hadn't we?
[sighs] I'll get my keys.
Wait! Bring me some pants.
