TV show quotes
[after The Boss was defeated] Quitting time. [he and Chris leave the workplace] On the bright side, looks like we can sleep in tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for not sacrificing me to your demon overlord.
No problem, buddy. I just wonder how I'm going to make rent this month.
You know, Dan, I think I can spot you. It's the least I can do.
It really is. [he and Chris drive home while the workplace is caught on fire as the episode ends]
Whoa, that's bad.
[yelling] YOU DID THIS, YOU SWINDLER!!
I was trying to tell you something like this could happen. Now if we can calm down and discuss this like rational adults.
[yelling] I WILL DROWN YOU IN BARBECUE SAUCE AND HAVE CHRIS EAT YOUR BODY!!
You shouldn't just automatically assume I'd be up for that!
You are so selfish! There's no "I" in "friend," Chris.
Hey, you want me to fix your car or what?
Absolutely not! Since it appears my friend has developed a sudden aversion to cannibalism...
It's not "sudden"!
Then I will simply have to take my business elsewhere!
You know anyone else will charge you twice what I do.
[yells] BLOCKED AT EVERY TURN!
Maybe we can take it to the dealer?
The closest one's in Manila.
And it closed twelve years ago.
Oh. Can you even fix this?
Sure, but it's not going to be cheap. The thromdibulator's shot, and I can see from here it took the Oscillation Overthruster with it. You see?
Well, sure. Any child could see it's the thromdibulator.
[opens the garage] What are you guys doing in my shop?
When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear?
Hey, where's my dog?
Don't you play the victim with me! We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free!
You did what?!
But I know you've been replacing my engine with junk!
You got me. All right, Dan. After this weekend, I'll fix your car up the right way.
[furious] You fix it now!
I can't order the parts until some money comes in. Which happens this weekend. Now please leave me alone.
[picks up cake mixer out of the inside hood of the car] I'm taking this cake mixer.
If you find your dog, I would like my wallet back.
[Dan kicks the door open to the locker room]
There you are! [to Chris] Chris, prepare your jaws of death!
For the last time, I'm not eating anyone, because it's gross!
[crying] Oh. Hey, guys.
All right! Wait, are you crying?
Yeah.
Uh... Okay look, I'm here to pummel you, and for some reason I feel weird about doing that while you're crying, so could you stop?
Oh, sure. I'm-I'm sorry about that.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, maybe if you could just put Dan's car back together, we could all forget this awkwardness.
I'd be willing to accept that.
I can't. I don't own my garage anymore. Or I won't as of Monday morning.
You know, Dan, you put up your car, you won the fight. Technically you could have owned this shop.
Keep it. What would I do with a mechanical shop? Besides, crushing Elise was reward enough.
You got lucky! You littl-!
Whoa, whoa! All's well that ends well, right?
And trust me, better to get out before you get hooked. Thank you, Dan. You saved my business.
You don't have to thank me, Mechanic Mike. But you DO have to fix my car whenever it breaks, and never charge me a penny.
[Chris, Elise, and Mechanic Mike walk away after Dan drives off]
Huh. Guess I forgot to- [Dan's car explodes] Yeah, that's the thromdibulator.
[yelling] MECHANIC!
[Mechanic Mike throws the thromdibular to the ground as he, Elise, and Chris walk away while Dan's car is caught on fire as the episode ends]
[singing] Hail hail the mighty owls... standing loyal and true. Rah rah. Whoo whoo whoo! [takes out the old jersey out of his box] My old jersey! [puts on jersey]
[entering] Chris, good, you're home. Take this. I need your fingerprints on it. [puts the bag in bowling ball]
What? Why?
That's between me and the Department of Agriculture. [Chris ignores Dan and walks off] Is that your high school jersey?
Yeah, I think it shrunk while it was in storage.
What is this junk? A year book, stack of report cards? Are you planning a bonfire?
Just taking a little stroll down memory lane. Tonight's the class reunion.
And you intend to go?
Of course. There's going to be a big party in the school gymnasium. Elise is eager to meet my old pals.
[takes the "Go Owls" flag away from him] Chris, reunions are for ex-prom queens and aging muscle-heads who want to wallow in their past glories. Not for normal people like us who hated high school.
That might've been your experience Dan, but I loved it. I was involved in so many activities... I earned dozens of participation ribbons.
Delude yourself if you must, but I endured the same four years you did, and I wouldn't be caught dead commemorating them at some vapid social. [notices that he was not invited] Hey, wait a minute. I was in your high school class. No one sent me an invitation.
Really? Hmm.
I guess they didn't want me there. B-but why?
I'm sure it was an oversight.
Oh, don't sugar coat it, Martha Sunshine! I know when I've been snubbed! [yelling] HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!!
I spent my teenage years constantly ridiculed. Then I'd get to school and it was even worse.
Dan! How did you get here?
If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.
What?
That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.
Only because I love you.
Ew cooties. Break it up. I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside. Chris, do that stupid fight song. You know "rah rah, whoo whoo". The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.
I thought it was peppy.
Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag. But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater. [sees his friends walk by] It's Perry and Rajneesh. From the A.V. club. Hey guys! [runs over to them]
Come in, Dan. No one's looking.
[comes in from the window] I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and--- [Elise grabs him and puts him inside the locker] Ow!
Chris is going to make new friends tonight. Friends who call before they come over. Who returns the things they barrow. Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol. [punches the locker and walks away]
[inside the locker] Trapped in a locker? This is just like high school!
[Dan traps Chris in a gym bag dragging him outside]
[muffling] Oh, I get it. I get it. Is that you, Rajneesh? Are we re-enacting the A.V. Club initiation? Well, bring on the pudding! [Dan takes off Gym Bag] Oh...
I decided to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.
Dan, for the last time... [Dan opens his car trunk and reveals the owl suit] Ah! It's the owl suit! The one I would've worn if I was elected mascot. Wait a minute. How did you get this?
Dressing up as a mascot is an embarrassment! I was saving you from yourself!
You're the one who stole it?
I didn't plan to keep this long. But it's surprisingly difficult to unload an owl suit.
How could you do that to me? You knew that was my dream!
[gets the Owl Mask] If you help me, you get to wear it. In all its feathery glory.
No, I can't use the mascot in service of evil?
You sure?
[yelling, running away] NOOOO!!!
[puts on the mask] Sheesh. Some people are so dramatic.
Well, you're sick.
Guess you were right. I'll have to buy you a drink at Bingo.
Dan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a pretty bad case of the common cold. A cold is a viral infection in the upper respiratory tract.
Are you telling me you've never had a cold before?
I happen to lead a very healthy lifestyle. [sneezes]
Dan, if you want to get over this thing, you must avoid physical exertion.
No problem, I've been avoiding it my whole life.
That means no bingo.
No bingo?! COMMON COLLLLLLLLD!!!! [he coughs]
Well, sorry, there's no cure for the common cold. [walks away]
Told ya.
What are you talking about?! If modern science can cure a ham, you can cure a common cold.
With all of the life threatening diseases that are yet to be cured, there's isn't the manpower nor the resources to exhaust on such a mild virus.
Oh, I get it. You're lazy. [takes the stethoscope away from the doctor]
Hey! Where are you going with my stethoscope?
To do what you should have done a long time ago. I'm going to cure the common cold! [leaves]
[gives the doctor his money] For the stethoscope. [leaves]
Hey, what happened to Giselle?
Let's just say she's going to need another nose job.
Wow, that really- [sneezes]
Oh, no. Now you've got a- [sneezes]
[satisfied while Elise and Chris stare at him angrily] Don't look at me. I feel great.
[Dan gets pulled over when a police officer shows up]
Do you know why I pulled you over?
No, officer. I wasn't speeding and my hands never stayed from the 10 and 2 position. Not even when I sneezed.
Your plates have expired. License and registration.
[while looking for his license and registration] Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt. What's this? Hey, Ninja Dave's receipt.
How about we start with your license? [Dan gives his license to him] Bad hair day, huh?
I'm sorry, did I get pulled over by the fashion police?
This license is expired.
But my voter registration is completely up to date. Good citizen.
I'll have to write you a "fix-it" ticket. You'll need to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get this all sorted out.
This is an outrage! I demand you tear up that ticket at once!
Stay in your car, sir!
I will not! My friend Chris pays taxes and those taxes pay your salary! [the officer sprays pepper in his face] Pepper spray? Really? Do I look like a 5 year old?
Sir, if you don't calm down, I'll be happy to upgrade to my nightstick.
But I wasn't doing anything wrong!
Hey, I don't make the rules. Blame the DMV.
DMV!
Ooh, and I am going to have cite you for noise violation. [gives Dan another ticket for noise violation and drives away]
I need to renew my license.
Wow. That's a bad hair day.
I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento. It was a bad day all around.
I'll need to see some I.D. This is expired.
Hence, the need to renew it.
I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.
Hey, I've got something. [gives Hence a picture of Dan]
Why do you have my mug shot?
This one looks so adorable I, just had to keep it.
[hands Dan a pile of papers] Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation. Thank you!
There's nothing like a great ski trip! Just you, me, the snow and-
Can we get some heat back here?
And Dan.
If I get frost bite, you're buying me new toes.
Well it was either bring him along or risk him sabotaging the trip.
Obviously. Do you know how it feels to be left behind? And besides, why wouldn't you bring me? I love skiing. [sees a lot of people skiing] Wait...what are these people doing?
Uh, they're skiing.
THIS is skiing? What's the one where you shoot clay discs with a rifle?
You mean skeet shooting?
Yeah! That's the one I like! I despise skiing.
Have you ever tried it?
You know how I feel about trying things.
Well, I guess we should have known better. Shall we pack it up and go?
Hold on. It's just a one night trip. Dan, you can survive one night. And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.
If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- [cut to him, Chris, and Elise at the ski lift] --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.
Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot. [he and Elise leave to ski]
How do you stop this thing? Hurling myself down a mountain at terminal velocity goes against every natural instinct in my body. And that guy's.
It's easy. If you want to go forward, just make your skis look like french fries. See? And if you want to stop, you just make your skis look like pizza.
Is there anything that doesn't remind you of food?
Speaking of which, I've already worked up a bit of an appetite. I wonder if you can tell if the snack bar is open from up here.
Uh, Chris? Chris? [goes down skiing]
Yeah?
Where's the emergency brake on this thing?
Mommy, mommy take my picture! Take my-- [gets caught with Dan] Mommy!!!
Man, this place is a death tra-AAH! SKIIII TRRRIIIPPP!!! [falls down and lands in the snow] Ow ow ow!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
